Brutal (Sour Hour Series #5)

Prologue

Prologue

I get easily insecured to all of the people around me. I sometimes feel like I'm not belong to them, like I'm some other species because that's what they let me feel about myself.

Whenever I see a teenage girl who's happy with her family, I will always smile and think that… I hope I will be happy like her.

Everytime I get to see a happy family, this is what I always ask myself.

What does it feel to have a happy family?

What does it feel like to have a happy and a peaceful life?

What does it feel to not have some insecurities?

I have a lot of insecurities when it comes to studies, family, and all of me.

I'm not the typical student who is active in studies, especially when it comes to school activities. Because I hated myself. I'm so insecure to all of the people around me, even if they didn't do anything wrong.

I looked at myself in the mirror again. My mother always told me when I was a child that I'm beautiful. My skin color was so beautiful, my hair was so long, skinny and beautiful. I have beautiful legs that can be passed through a model agency. I have narrowed eyes and a pointed nose. I also have a not so pouty lips that everyone envies.

But even if I have all of these things, I get easily insecured to other people.

Kasi, mabuti pa sila. Masaya. Peaceful. May buong pamilya.

What about me?

I know that I'm not the only one who's experiencing this right now.

"Ang ganda ganda mo tapos may insecurities ka pa? Aba! Sinong maniniwala sa'yo?" some of my classmates said it to me before.

"Baka umaarte ka lang para mapansin namin. Nasa'yo na ang lahat, ano pa bang hihingin mo?"

"Papansin ampota,"

That's what I always heard from my classmates. Simula highschool ako, noong naging open ako sa iba sa kanila, ito ang sasabihin nila sa'kin kalaunan.

Why can't they understand that I have a lot of insecurities? Kahit na sabihin na nating nasa akin na nga ang lahat.

Yes, I have almost everything, except for this one.

A happiness. That's what I'm lacking. That's why I'm insecure about people who are happy and just enjoying their life.

They say, a teenage girl should have fun in their life. Ang taon kong ito, dapat ineenjoy ko na lang ang sarili ko. Dapat, nililibang ko na lang ang sarili ko at nagpapaka saya.

But I can't have it. No matter how many times I try to be happy, I will always end up crying alone in my room. While hearing my parents fighting again in their room.

Gusto ko lang namang maging masaya… pero pati iyon ay pinagkait sa akin.

"Ma, Pa, tama na! Tumigil na nga kayo!" narinig kong sigaw ng nakatatanda kong kapatid sa labas.

They're fighting again. Walang katapusang away na lang ang naririnig ko sa tuwing gabi kaya nahihirapan akong matulog.

"Lumayas ka dito, Alfred! Magsama nga kayo ng kabit mo!" sigaw ni Mama.

"Sinabi nang wala nga akong kabit, hindi ba? Bakit hindi mo iyan isaksak sa kukote mo, ha!? Kapag sinabi kong hindi, hindi! Tang ina naman, oh!"

Napapikit ako nang marinig ang sigaw ni Papa. Kahit nasa loob ako ng kwarto, rinig na rinig ko ang malakas nilang sigawan.