Daydream

Chapter Thirty-Five-Ethan

⚠⚠⚠This chapter contains self harm, TW⚠⚠⚠

After watching the Joker with everyone, me and Kasey decided we were going to sleep. Since there were two queen-sized beds in our room, Erin and Riley took the left and we took the right, right in front of the TV.

Riley was snoring softly, and I was ready to fall asleep when all the lights were off and the clock read 12:46. I had been lying awake for about 30 minutes, waiting for sleep to come.

I was about to drift off when I heard a small noise beside me. I brushed it off and pushed it to the back of my mind. I'd probably imagined it; I was half asleep. 

Then I heard it again. A sob? 

I turned my head, keeping my eyes half closed so that Kasey would think I was still sleeping. There she was, her face in her hands sitting on the edge of the bed. Sobbing. 

I silently got up to sit next to her and put my arm on her shoulder. The small window in the wall gave us an ambient light from the moon. 

"I didn't think you were awake," Kasey tried to stop her crying and gasped between breaths. 

"I was," I answered. "What's wrong?"

She started crying again. 

"Kasey," I lifted her chin with my hand and kissed her softly. Once. 

My girfriend wiped away the tears from her eye and hugged me fervently. She was still gasping, the kind of breaths after you're crying where you can't control the adrenaline. Kinda like hiccups but... sad. 

"What the fuck is wrong?" I asked her kindly, if there even was a kind way to say that. "Whoever is causing this, I can beat them up."

Kasey shook her head and began crying again. "Don't beat me up," she whispered into my shoulder. 

I waited for her to calm down, then murmured to her. "I love you. Whatever's bothering you, just say. I love you no matter what."

"I-" she let out her breath while shaking her head. "No. You won't understand what I'm feeling, you won't know how to deal with it-" She looked up into my eyes, the tears glazing over her eyes glistening. "You won't love me anymore."

I was surprised. "What thing in this world could make me dislike you in any way?"

She started to sob again, so I hugged her. "Me." She said quietly. Almost inaudibly. 

"Kasey, baby, tell me what's wrong. I'll be fine with it."

Kasey let one more sob out then picked up a pair of scissors I hadn't noticed were on her desk. Then snip by snip her long, wavy acorn-colored hair fell to the ground in pieces. 

I took in her new appearance with a smile. "Was that it? Because no, you look great." 

Kasey's hopeful, watery smile turned into a frown. "No, Ethan. You don't get it." She opened the scissors all the way and cut them across her skin. I noticed the other cuts she usually hid under her sleeve. Along her ankles and wrists and legs and arms. Then she threw the scissors on the nightstand by the bed, making a loud clattering sound and ran to the bathroom. 

I followed her. 

In the bathroom, she turned the shower faucet on. The mirror began to fog up. 

In the sink she turned the water on and began washing it over her face, still crying. I came up behind her and leaned on the counter. 

"Please, Kasey. What's wrong?"

Her hair was now as short as her ears, and cut raggedly. "There's nothing wrong." She shut off the water and began to undress. I, of course, tried not to stare but failed. 

"There is. There's always something wrong. So tell me." I pressed. 

Kasey put one foot in the shower with a sigh. Then she started to cry again, so I almost came to hug her again but she pushed me away. "FUCK YOU." She stepped fully into the shower and I heard her sobs as I watched her wash her body through the clear shower curtain. I sighed and closed the door, leaving her in peace. 

I don't know how long I was laying in bed, eyes bloodshot, until Kasey came out of the shower in a towel and kissed me, naked. She dropped her towel and grabbed my face harder. 

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

I pulled away. "There's nothing to be sorry about," I said. "Really."

"There is, though." I could tell she was holding back tears. She turned around and began to dress in her pajamas again, her hair now looking clean-cut. 

"Tell me, then. I promise, I'll still love you."

Kasey threw her pants on the floor in rage. "Fine!" She cried. "Fine, Ethan! I'm not a girl!" She crumpled into a heap on the floor, sobbing again. 

My ears rang from what I'd just heard. "Are-are you a boy?" I asked shakily, coming up behind her. 

"No! I told you that you wouldn't understand." The hiccup-thing started again as tears streamed down her face. 

I pulled her onto my lap, making sure to touch her chest, a cradled her in my arms. "I don't. You'll have to explain a little more now that I know half the truth."

"I wanna be called Skyler now, okay?" She stopped crying and looked me dead in the eye. "And I go by they/them pronouns."