Daydream

Chapter Forty-One

•••RILEY•••

I sat down in the car and started the engine.

I'm on my way, I texted Erin and began the drive.

My girlfriend sat down beside me and gave me a kiss. She had her jeans on and so did Skyler and Ethan in the back. I grinned.

"This is our last day together," Erin said to me. She gave me a grim smile. Skyler tapped her on the shoulder.

"Thank you," she said. "For letting Riley stay with us I mean."

Erin flicked Riley's shoulder. "It wasn't my choice," she joked. "She would have convinced me any way." She was acting cheerful but I knew on the inside she was sad.

I continued on the interstate and listened to Skyler and Ethan chatter in the back about dogs or giraffes; I couldn't care less. My heart was pounding with excitement. This would be a great experience for everyone. Especially Erin, who hadn't experienced it before.

•••ERIN•••

As Riley turned the wheel into a long rock path that eventually led to a park, I felt confused. It looked like a park and a sand arena. I saw a couple other cars and a trailer. It reminded me of our camping trip.
Riley turned off the car and got out, so I did too. She set a pair of brown rubber boots in front of each of us.
"Put those on," she instructed. Skyler was the first to slip off their sneakers and slide on the boots.
Ethan and me tentatively did the same. Why was she making us put boots on?
A woman came out of the trailer and said "Hi, Riley." She looked us over. "Which one of you is Skyler?"
Skyler nodded. "Me," they said.
"If I ever use the wrong pronouns for you, tell me." She smiled. "I hope you guys have fun today. My name is Kallie."
Skyler laughed. "That's my sister's name."
Riley nodded to us. "I'm gonna help Erin in the arena for a while and then we can go on the trail."
I felt lost. Skyler seemed excited, so she probably knew what was going on. Ethan looked anticipating, like he had a suspicion. But here I was unknowing of any hints that could stand out to me.
Kallie grinned at all of us. "Riley will show you what to do," she nodded to my girlfriend and opened the back of the trailer, revealing brushes and horse tack.
I absolutely died. Well, not really, but I died of excitement. As Kallie drove off in her car, I realized she trusted Riley. So I could too.
Riley took a rope with some metal and straps on it and led one of the horses out of the trailer into the grass. "This is Rhythm," she said, patting the back of the white-and-brown spotted horse. "She's pretty young, so I'll be riding her, but I wanna show you guys how to tack up a horse."
"I already know," Skyler injected but Riley ignored them.
I watched intently while Riley put bridle and the saddle on Rhythm.
Riley led out another horse, which was dusty brown this time. "This is a red horse, the one I usually ride, and his name is Stretch." She smiled at me. "Stretch is great for beginners, so he will be good for you, Erin." She handed me the rope that was connected to the horse and I froze, unable to do anything.
She laughed. "You can pet him," she said. "Then lead him over to the side where the clip is."
I brushed my hand over his nose and then walked over to the clip and clipped him to the side.
We put on his bridle and saddle, Riley trying not to help me much.
After setting up Bling for Skyler and Quinn for Ethan we led the horses to the arena.
"Do you remember how to ride, Ethan?" Skyler was already circling the arena when Riley nodded to Ethan.
"Um... I think so." He grabbed the reins and snapped them.
Riley laughed and got off Rhythm to help him. I was left standing next to Stretch awkwardly.
Riley came back to me and told me to put my foot in the stirrup and use the horn to pull myself up.
Once we were on the horses, she began to give me lessons. I enjoyed every minute of it.

•••SKYLER•••

I pulled my left hand back to make Bling go to the left and kicked my right foot.
"Okay. Ride around the arena." I heard Riley order Erin. Louder, she yelled to us as she pulled Rhythm into a line behind us. "Bring them up to a trot!"
Erin kicked Stretch but he stayed walking. Rhythm trotted up beside him, letting Riley slap him on the bum.
I laughed and put Bling in a lope. "Are we ready to go?"
Riley nodded, slowing her horse and telling Erin and Ethan to as well. "Let's go. But first, let me set out some rules." She smiled. "Keep your horses away from any other horse's back end. We can walk in a horizontal line across the trail. If you're hungry we can stop and eat, I brought snacks, and if you need to stop then tell us. If someone's horse gets spooked..."
I drowned out her words looking at Ethan. He hadn't changed at all. I had changed. I had made everyone move around for me. I ruined everything anyways.
"K. Let's go!" Riley started Rhythm to move and walked up to a trailhead. The trail itself was large and wide for our horses.
I pulled up next to Ethan with Riley to the left of me. Of course Erin was next to Riley.
We rode in a straight line, no obstacles or rivers or whatever you hear in books and stuff for about 15 minutes. We talked about politics.
I'm kidding. We talked about nothing. Everything. We couldn't stay on the same boring subject for more than 2 minutes.
We had been riding for 15 when we came across a river. It wasn't very wide but I wasn't sure the horses would like cold water splashing up on their hooves.
Erin was looking nervously around for a place to cross. "There's no bridge," she said.
Riley grinned and looked at the rest of us. "We'll jump." She held the reins tight in her hand and in a moment Rhythm was on the other side of the stream.
"How'd you do that?" I cried. I didn't want to try and spook the other horses, so I actually waited for her to explain.
She rolled her eyes. "Bling'll jump on her own. Just move her forward."
There was a lurch as I was airborne for less than a second. On the other side of the river, I beamed. "That was fun! Ethan, try it!"
Rhythm walked in front of Ethan's horse. "Woah." She glanced at him. "Quinn might not jump... so jump be careful."
I watched tensely as Ethan instructed the brown horse to trot.
Quinn jumped over the stream and Ethan was on the same side of me, happy.
It was Erin's turn. She looked nervous again, but she kicked Stretch and he went forward.
There was a splash as the red horse waded through the stream.
Riley laughed and slapped him on the butt when he came closer. "You stubborn little-" she smiled at Erin. "He doesn't like to jump, especially for beginners. Basically he is the boss of you." She snickered again and turned Rhythm around to start walking the trail again.
Bling was a delightfully outgoing horse. She was beautiful too; a white mane and tan skin. She was definitely not stubborn, but she was funny.
Inside, my feelings were welling up. I knew that I had forced everyone to use they/them pronouns for me... but it would be so much easier if I told them they could use she/her too. Maybe that's what I would do. I was fine with being a girl, right?
No.
But for my friends...
No.
My life was falling apart.

•••ETHAN•••

The dandelions looked more yellow and vibrant in this meadow than in any other place. Not how I remember dandelions back home. It was something about the place that seemed different, or special.

I looked over at Skyler to see what I thought was their hair flowing in the wind. But it was just my imagination, I had forgot they had cut it off.

Riley seemed really excited for this moment. She couldn't stop smiling.

I scoffed, "Are you okay?"

"I think you know me well enough to know that I'm NEVER okay."

"Touchè." I responded with a grin.

We got off our horses and Riley immediately retrieved the picnic kit and sprinted to the only open space in the meadow. It was odd how the grass just grew around a specific spot, just the perfect size for our blanket.

"Are you sure you got everything? Forks, spoons, kni-"

Riley cut Erin off before she could finish, "YES!!! I got everything! How many times do I have to say it?"

Skyler cut in, "Guys, you're teenagers, you aren't an old married couple yet." They rolled their eyes.

"Yet...." Riley replied with a wink.

It looked like she was going to say something else but before she could, Erin had grabbed her face and kissed her just to shut her up.

Riley kissed her back, and I took the moment to look suggestively at Skyler. 

They broke down in tears. 

"What is it?" Riley asked, setting out all of the food. 

"I- I forced all of you to try super hard to just say they instead of she." They wiped away their tears. "It's hard. You've all known me as a girl my entire life." Her voice was dry. "It's not right to force you to call me an enby. I love you all for trying... but I can see it in Ethan's eyes."

I was surprised but let her continue. 

"He still thinks of me as a girl. Maybe Riley was super supportive but she isn't perfect either. Erin, I can't read you. But you all bend around for me." A tear ran down their face as I scooted closer to kiss them. They pushed me away. "You guys can just use she/her pronouns for me." They shoved their face into a sweatshirt they had brought. 

"No... fuck that..." Riley said, pausing with setting out forks and knives. "And fuck your brain. It's not working right."

Skyler stared at their best friend, awaiting more words.

"If you feel like a girl, stop taking testosterone. If you feel like a girl, grow your hair out and stop cutting it every day. If you feel like a girl, BE ONE. We don't care if you're a girl or shit. We respect your pronouns and gender and sexuality and fucking EVERYTHING."

Erin was nodding. I realized that Riley did think of Skyler as a they. I was embarrassed. For my whole life, my enbyfriend had been a girlfriend. How was I supposed to get used to dating someone that I didn't understand? And... I wasn't straight if they were nonbinary. What had this come down to? 

"I'm really sorry, Skyler. I will use whatever name and pronouns you want. If you feel like a girl, great. If you feel like a boy-" I winced, "-then that's great. If you feel like both, fine. If you feel like none, I support you." I looked them in the eyes and kissed them, wrapping my arms around their shoulders and pressing my whole body against them. 

Skyler sighed. "Thanks, guys. I love you." They looked my way seductively. "I'm just going to try she/they pronouns for now. Use whichever makes you feel comfortable. I honestly don't know, so we should try everything." She smiled at me. 

"Wow, really? Because I care if you don't feel comfortable with she/her pronouns..." I anticipated her response. FUCK ME. In my mind I was already using she/her pronouns.

"Riley has a deep voice," Skyler said. "So can I. I have boobs. So yeah, I think I can try being a demigirl for a while." She smiled sadly. "Then we can try he/him pronouns."

I stuck out my tongue. "As long as you're comfortable, you little piece of shit." I hugged her. She laughed and kissed me back. 

After the picnic we got back on our horses, leaving the beautiful field behind. A pang in my stomach told me that we would be seeing Erin again soon. I knew that this friend group was to stay. And even if Riley was going to college next year, one year is all that matters. Me and Skyler- Kasey? I forgot to ask what her name was now. Anyways, me and her would be going off to college in two years. We would be able to live with each other again. College kids. 

I smiled. Maybe the end of the summer was rough, but in the end...

I think it was perfect.