13th Doctor x Reader: Lost

Chapter 59: Thoughts

A/n: Depressive state marked with [ text ].

You feel like you're going nowhere, all the air is gone from your lungs, the surface still out of sight. You've heard drowning is actually quite peaceful, once the pain stops. You decide it's pointless, you're a pretty weak swimmer as it is.

Instead, you let the water pressure force you down, letting your eyes close as you try to distract yourself from the sensation in your lungs. Everything you've seen, the emotions flooding back to you. It is true what they say, the moment before you die, your life flashes before your eyes.

Your mom and dad, taking you to the beach for the first time as a toddler.

Holding your little sister in the hospital.

Taking late-night drives in the countryside with the roof down.

The gunshots that took your parents.

Zack, changing from the sweet older brother to a monster.

Ellie, always there for you, never asking questions.

You haven't seen her in years...

The stars.

Riding a Pegasi with... something little kids only dream of.

The aurora...

Seeing an actual Merman.

You feel something wrap around your waist. At first, you panic, your mind immediately going to seaweed. Something you've seen enough of for a lifetime. That changes as it begins to pull you... up?

You open your eyes, seeing Missy pull you along. Ah, okay, the hallucinations have started. You're mind is just playing cruel tricks on you now. They left, probably on the TARDIS already.

But... looking up, a light comes in to view. You can't be hallucinating that? Supposedly, your mind only shows you the last thing you saw. Your questions are answered when you cough up all the water you've inhaled, sweet air taking its place.

She rubs your back as you get it all out, pulling you into her. She's so warm compared to the freezing water, your soaked clothes not helping.

"Tell me you weren't giving up." She whispers, holding you tightly.

"I tried." You whisper back.

"You nearly gave me a double heart-attack when I saw you were gone." She holds your chin up to look you in the eye, "I can't ever loose you. Don't ever, ever give up like that."

Nodding, you say "Thank you."

She leans in, your foreheads resting against each other. Just as your noses brush, the Doctor calls, "Anyone find her?"

Pulling back, her cheeks are slightly pink. "We should go back."

You nod, your thoughts feeling jumbled. She didn't just try to kiss you... you're probably still disoriented from the oxygen-shortage.

Missy gracefully wraps an arm around your waist, helping you swim back. The shoreline is just on the horizon, really not that far seeing how fast of a swimmer she is.

"Here!" She sings as your feet are able to barely touch. At that, she backs away to what would be considered a friendly distance, leaving you disappointed at the lack of warmth.

Jenny and Yaz are on the beach with a very upset looking Izzy, trying to verbally comfort her. The Doctor shortly follows, a look of relief and slight frustration on her face.

"Where'd you go? Do you have any idea how scared we were?" She scolds, though her tone isn't angry, more worried.

You nod, you were absolutely terrified. "That's the last time I leave any of you." That's a promise you aren't about to break anytime soon.

"How do I know that's the truth?" She asks, following you out of the water.

"I had to watch a merman die." You confess, head low. "While being completely lost in the endless seaweed."

"I'm so sorry. No one should ever have to witness something like that." Her voice softens.

Izzy looks up, her face red, but without tears.

"Don't do that again." Her voice is broken. "I just got you back."

You feel like a horrible person. You didn't even think about the consequences of just leaving. Everything that's already happened to her... you just nod, biting your lip in consequence. A part of you wants to make yourself feel her pain. It's your fault for letting her go, letting Zack get to her.

"Lets get you a towel." Jenny smiles, leading the group to the TARDIS. The Doctor picks up her coat on the beach, hanging it over her arm. The three of you are absolutely soaked.

Back on the TARDIS, the cold wind has completely gotten to you. You can't stop your teeth from chattering. But you don't care, a depressive cloud hanging overhead.

"I'm going to shower." You mumble, getting out of the room as quickly as possible.

"You alright?" Yaz calls.

"Mhm." Liar.

Once in your room, the tears start flowing. You can't do anything right. Eat to take care of yourself, keep your sister from getting hurt, swim decently. You can't even find the courage to tell a certain woman you love her. Because you're afraid of getting hurt again. You find every way to deny that's the reason, but it is. You just can't take a little rejection.

Slamming your arms in to your pillow, you just want to let go. [You get undressed, walking into the shower and putting on the coldest setting, and this being a very impressive ship, it's quite cold. Immediately, you're short of breath, your heart-rate immediately slowing. A small ache in your chest follows, until all your breaths become short and far between.

You don't care, grabbing some soap.

The TARDIS being a sentient ship, a very concerned humm echoes around the room.

"Don't." You mumble, half warning her to not tell anyone, the other half being so sick of nobody just letting you... end it.

A small dizziness hits you, and you stumble into the wall, falling onto the floor. It's like drowning all over again. Panic overwhelms you. Turning it off, you jump out and grab a towel.

Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you're entire face is a deep blue. In your closet, you grab a light short-sleeved nightgown, still angry with yourself.]

"Y/n?" A Scottish voice calls, knocking on your door. "TARDIS told me you weren't feeling well." No, she didn't... You throw the towel in the bathroom, grabbing a brush and sitting on the bed, back to the door.

"I'm fine." You say, barely making your voice sound normal. The sound of your door sliding open in response follows, heels clicking on the ground.

She sits next to you, placing a hand on your shoulder. You can't help but gasp at how warm it is.

"Why won't you look at me?" Her voice is firm, but still worried. "And why are your arms blue?"

Crap. Slightly trembling, you turn your head. Her eyes widen, and you just break down.

"I give up." You whisper, the adrenaline from earlier taking over. You don't even know what you're saying anymore. "I let Izzy get hurt b-by Zack... I-I didn't t-think about the consequences ofwanderingoff. I c-can't swim well." She places a hand on either arm, rubbing them to warm you back up.

"What did I tell you about giving up?" She asks, pausing to wipe a tear away.

"Don't."

"The Universe is a shitty place sometimes. We can't let it take us down." She stands up, pulling you with her. Halfway around the room, she pauses. "You said you forgave me, that it matters who I choose to be today. Take your own advice."

You shake your head, another tear sliding down your cheek. "I... I can't even say things right..." Her face turns to one of slight confusion.

"Well what do you want to say?"

"I love you."