13th Doctor x Reader: Lost

Chapter 9: I Care

A/n: Part of this chapter resolves a lot around an eating disorder, the heaviest part is marked with *

*

After your safely in your room your breathing speeds up. You knew she would find out, but did it have to be so soon? You had anorexia... you have since your brother began to... well... yeah. It was the one thing you felt like you could control in your life, but then you saw the effects it had on your body, and soon it became an obsession of 'how far can I go?' You hadn't eaten anything in 48 hours, so close to breaking your 2 1/2 day record.

You knew your heart was struggling, and with this much physical activity it was extremely dangerous. You were glad you had a hoodie and sweatpants to cover your very fragile frame, but you were worried the Doctor noticed when she grabbed you.

You let out a sigh and go to the bathroom to shower. You undress and stare at yourself, and a tiny part of your brain cried out, while the rest of you was hoping the end was near.

*

You dress in a baggy black shirt and sweatpants and sit on your bed, doing as many sit-ups as you can, then falling asleep.

You wake up to a knocking at your door.

"Y/n?" You hear the Doctor call.

"What?" You let out an annoyed sigh.

"Are you alright?" She asks.

"Mhm." You sigh.

"Well... we're all watching a movie, want to join us?" You hear her ask.

"Not really."

"I'm worried about you!"

"Why should you care? You have the whole universe at your fingertips and you say you care so much about one human!" You shout a little louder than you intend to.

"Y/n... can I please come in?" She asks in a very worried voice.

"No." You say, turning away from the door in your pillow and closing your eyes. You hear her footsteps leave after a few moments before you go to sleep again.

"Your worthless! No one will ever love you!" Your brother shouts as he walks towards you.

"No!" You hear Izzy shout from behind him. You see him turn around, an evil grin on his face as he grins at you.

"Izzy!" You shout, seeing her hurt face before you left her that night, before you met the Doctor.

"Y/n!" You hear a woman call. You wake up sweating, your heart beating faster than it should. "Your okay, you just had a nightmare." You roll over and see the Doctor kneeling next to your bed.

"What are you doing here?" You sigh, hoping she couldn't see the tears forming in your eyes.

"You were screaming in your sleep, I wanted to make sure you were okay." You hear the concern in her voice.

"Why do you care so much?" You start crying. No one had cared remotely this much since your mum passed. Your sister had always been there, but it just wasn't the same as having an adult with you.

"Because, y/n, there's always someone out there who cares, and I care." She looks at you with her eyes so full of love. You barely hold back the tears as you glance to the side, looking at the wall across from your bed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." You speak sternly. However, there was that little part of you that did, you just push it to the side and roll over.

"Y/n..." She sighs gently, your mind still blank. "It might help."

"Go away." You cry, your voice breaking as the tears fall. You hear her sigh, this time full of worry. She gets up, and halfway to the door you stand up. "I'm sorry." You blurt out. She turns around, confused.

"For what?" She asks curiously.

"Yelling. Please don't hurt me." You sit up, looking down, bracing yourself. She walks over to you and reaches one hand. Just to comfort you, the rational part of your brain says.

"I'm not going to hurt you." She states, pulling back.

"Okay." You mumble.

"Do you want to talk about your dream?"

"No." You mumble as you shake your head, again, surprised she heard you.

"It's okay." She crouches down to make eye level with you. "If you want, I can give you some nice dreams, but I'll have to go in your mind."

"No!" You shuffle back.

"I won't do it without your consent." She stands up, putting her hands in the air. "You'll be okay?"

"Yes!" You exclaim, circling around your room. She gives you one last glance before leaving the room.

You weren't going to sleep again, instead you start wandering down the corridors, looking for something to do. A certain room catches your eye, as you wander towards it.

A beautiful piano stands in the center with a few more instruments. You sit at the piano and begin to play.

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting
I didn't know if you cared if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't know quite what to say
But I'm here in your doorway
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

You begin to sing, trying your best to distract yourself from your thoughts. You close your eyes and put everything you have into it, really trying to pull away from your emotions.

Eventually, you give up, still seeing the image of Izzy laying on the bed, all beaten up. You can still see her torn face when you left her. You wish you could see her, but the Doctor wouldn't leave you home at such a vulnerable state.

You reluctantly get up, going to your room with your head full of guilt.

Song: this is me trying by Taylor Swift