My Way Home Is Through You (Frerard)

Chapter 7

Shit. I looked like it, I felt like it, I was scared as it and I'm felt like I was it.

- Scared shitless, check.

- Look like shit, check.

- Feel like shit, check.

- Frank you are shit, yes.

Question to self: why? Because of Gerard.

Blaming other people for my misfortunes, my problems or my mistakes was not something I was big on, it's not nice, it's not fair and it's not right. This however was Gerard's fault. Not his fault knowingly, it wasn't like he sat down at his desk this morning, an evil grin on his face and said 'I'm going to make Frank, look and feel like shit' no. It was more of a case of, shit happens, mine involved Gerard, it was worrying me and I didn't stop thinking about it so I felt like shit.

In actual fact it wasn't really Gerard's fault at all, but it was because of him, the drama in my head was all revolving around Gerard. The blame, well the blame was souly mine, or possibly even Kyle. No, no it was all me. Nothing to do with Kyle, he was perfectly innocent and Gerard certainly wasn't to blame, he was just stuck in the middle. Having said that, Kyle I suppose could be blamed, but obliviously, he was unaware of how he had become involved, or how his actions would involve him. Making sense? No, because none of it did make sense, not to me, not in my head and therefore how could it in yours.

Kyle had accidentally given me the impression he hated us being gay, not his fault, he had a stomach ache, but I had taken it the way it seemed as I'm sure anyone would. Therefore that could sort of make it his fault, maybe unintentionally, but still partially. However, if I had have just stayed relaxed about it and talked to him, all would have been well. If I had have just explained the problem to Gerard we wouldn't be in this fucked up mess, we could've talked about it, knowing him he would have talked some fucking sense into me and we would be fine. But me being drama queen Frank, I blew it out of proportion, let shit go mad and then I told Gerard to leave. Making all this my fault.

Innocent? Gerard still was not innocent, however he was nowhere near as guilty as me. I may have told him to leave, but he did still have the option of staying, but he chose not to, he chose to fucking walk out, making him partly to blame, right? He was definitely in for full blame as to why I was worrying about coffee. When I went to talk to him at break, he could've been nice or at least civil, he could have at least acted like he wasn't offended to see my face. Instead however, he was a pathetic childish little bitch, no he couldn't be nice, he couldn't even be mature about it, he was a fourteen year-old bitch about it. That made me feel like shit and that made me scared.

Scared; that he really hated me, like a switch had flipped in his head, I had gone from beloved husband, to most hated bastard on the planet. It made no sense, I knew that, it was my paranoia, I knew that too, but my head was telling me that it was the case. Likelihood was it was probably impossible for someone to go from loving you to literally hating you overnight, the only rational explanation would be that he's loved me less and less over the last three years, to the extent that the last few weeks were just a waiting game. Waiting for me to give him a reason to fight with me, give him a reason to walk out and a reason to hate me. That scared me. Hope was one thing I certainly lacked, that was what Gerard always did in our relationship, he showed me there was hope, but without that, I had no hope, he was the light blinking at the end of the tunnel but now he was gone.

All of that, made me feel like shit, because the fear of him not loving me and me having no hope, made me hopeless and if I'm hopeless, then my self esteem becomes non-existent. The thought that maybe he hadn't loved me for a long time, made me feel like a possession, like I wasn't even human to him, actually like a sex toy. That made complete sense if that were the case, if he didn't love me then he was using me, I was submissive, I loved him and he knew that. He knew if he wanted sex, I would happily oblige, he knew that I could give him all the love I had and he could use that as an advantage, because he could pretend to love me and it would fly straight past my oblivious eyes. I loved him so much and he knew that, he knew that he could kill someone and I would see straight through it for him, it just made it so easy for him to use me.