My Way Home Is Through You (Frerard)

Chapter 34

Tears rolling down my face and on to his pale as paper skin, I kept gently wiping my thumb across his face to rid them of my tears, it looked like he was crying actually where my tears wer landing. The doctors and nurses seemed unable to do much at all, not because I was there, just in general, they allowed me to stay just where I was, Frank in my arms, still alive, still just breathing. His hate rate was still gradually dropping, the beeps getting slower and louder as his heart rate decreased. When it got owrryingly low, low to the extent of fatal, it began to make an alarm sound, nurses putting pads on his wrists and seeming to shock him. Much to my surprise this seemed to work a little, his heart rate going up again, before staying even for a while.

Just after I managed to regain my calm, ease when I heard his heart rate was even, feeling his breath fan across my hand everytime I wiped tears from his face, it fell again. As it slowly began to fall, the nurse attatched more wire pads to his wrists and two to his chest, I would have moved for them, but Ray told me that at this point I needed to stay where I was. Doing everything I could to stay calm, I just started quietly singing to myself but more to him, the same song again while the nurses adjusted the other equipment around him.

Stroking his cheeks, I kept his hair behind his ear so I could see him, smile down at his face, knowing this was probably the last time I would see it alive. Only when that thought ran through my brain did I realize what was happening, Frank was dying, the only person I had ever truly been in love with, was dying. There wasn't a single positive thing about it, the best I could come up with was that he had been happy, he had died in my arms, I had kissed him goodnight and I had sang him to skeep, but even knowing that didn't reassure me. He was still dying.

I wasn't even sure whether he was concious or not, if he was dying asleep or dying unconcious, whichever it was seemed not to matter anymore, the fact of the matter was the same, he wasn't going much further. What should have relieved me, was Ray stood by my side, telling me he was 99% sure Frank would make it, but it was 99% not 100%, how could that relieve me, even when the heart monitor evened out to a steady heart rate, I still feared Frank was dying, especially as it was so slow, fatally slow.

The nurses around me seemed to relax, while I just cried silently, quietly singing still and carassing Frank's cheek with my hand, his skin cold, pale and dry, his lips pale and dry too and his eyes closed. Everything about him said cancer, I wanted to turn away from looking, get him a drink because of his chapped and faded lips, but I just couldn't as much as it pushed me away it also drew me closer. It made me realize these were my last moments with Frank, this was all I had left, all I had to tell him, how much I loved him, how much he meant to me, just how much of a better person he had made me, how happy I was with him, how pretty I thought he was, beautiful in fact and that I thought he was perfect.

To me he was. To me he was beautiful. To me he was perfect. To me he was the definition of happiness. To me he was everything. He was the only person I was, ever had been or ever would be in love with. He was the one person I could truly say meant the world to me from the moment we touched. He was the only person who made me better as myself. And he was the only person who could truly make me happy. No-one could ever be as good as Frank, not to me.

Turning to me and talking quietly, Ray spoke, "He's concious, he's alive c-can you conjour a memory, it could help, it could keep him alive, something he will remember and be happy about." He smiled resting a hand on my arm for a moment, before backing away a little. I racked my head for something to say, something to talk to him about, to remind him of, then it came to me, the hollisters and the car drives with my singing, and then the song...the song I had written him all those years ago, this position ten years ago, he had told me time and time again he liked that song more than any other.