My Way Home Is Through You (Frerard)

Chapter 10

"Who's Jamia?" Kyle asked when he walked up to me outside of Starbucks. I had never mentioned Jamia to him, never said her name, never told him where I was going when I went to see her most weekends, just that I was going for a walk. Glued to the ground, I just froze, I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. What surprised and shocked me most about it was that I had never mentioned her, ever Gerard had never said anything - not that I was aware of - and the only other people who really knew about her and how close I was to her, were Hannah, Lindsey and Vic.

What also freaked me out about it, was that not even half an hour before, I had been talking about Jamia to Gerard. Weirder, I wasn't just talking about her, but about whether I would ever tell knyle and if I did what I would say. It was, even now ten years after she had gone, a hard thing for me to talk about, but it would be particularly weirs to talk to Kyle about. Admittedly it wasn't quite as bad as talking about Katie, but one day I really wthat. have to explain that to him, but jamia, in the nicest possible way she really did have nothing to do with Kyle.

I guess it was just something that would happen when it happened, I suppose I couldn't just go on forever disappearing for an hour or two on a Saturday afternoon to talk to her without question. One day Kyle would realize I wasn't just going for a walk, or he would ask to come with me, I couldn't lie. Talking about Jamia probably was the single hardest thing for me to talk about, I just didn't want it to happen, he ran probably wouldn't even understand, not yet.

Actually I don't think I properly understood, I certainly didn't understood how I felt about her, it was weirs for me. If I sit back and think about it, from an outsiders view, you really would think I was in love with her, that she was my one true love and Kyle couldn't think that. It wasn't the case, I loved her, there was no denying that she was my best friend, no she was better she was like the sister I never had, but I wasn't in love with her. I was in love with Gerard.

My love life was already fucked up from Kyle's point of view anyway I'm sure, he didn't need that confusion too. For an eight year old, trying to understand that your Dad married a woman because he was depressed and pregnant with his son, but that woman loved him was hard enough, then add him being gay and marrying your step-dad to that, that was a lot. Honestly if I was Kyle I think I would be put off from falling in love just from that, not throwing more on. What would Kyle think if he thought I was in live with a dead girl, he would think I was a lying, fucked up, fickle fucknugget.

Valid reason to leave Jamia out of the equation for the time being? I think so. Honestly my life was harder to figure out than some mathematical equation. Try working out y=2x-7a+2z, hard? Now try to work out the shit in my life and my head? Harder.

"Uh Frankie." Gerard nudged me knocking me back into reality, "w-what do you want me to say?" He asked knowing how much I was struggling with the answer and clearly trying to help.

"A friend." A said simply hastily thanking Alex's is mom before taking gerard and Kyle's hands walking away trying to get to the car quickly.

"Can I mee-"

"No." I virtually snapped, I didn't want to upset kyle but I really didn't want to have this conversation either.

It was certainly safe to say it killed me to think about the fact that I would never see her again, but for kyle to want to meet her just brought it to light that I really never would see her again. I would love to see her again, I really did I wanted to see her again, to hug her, to hear her, but I couldn't. Seeing her and hearing her and touching her were all impossible, impossible for me, impossible for her friends, impossible for Kyle and impossible to anyone. And it hurt for Kyle to want to meet her, it would make me so happy for him to meet her, to know her, to see how amazing she was, I wanted him to so badly and I wanted Gerard too but neither could.