My Way Home Is Through You (Frerard)

Chapter 18

If I said I wasn't still scared, I would be lying, I was still lacking the trust I needed to have in Gerard, the thought that just maybe he would do it again was swamping my brain. Together didn't quite feel the same, not for the first part anyway, I think we were both a little too cautious now, he feared that anything he did could make me leave and I feared that maybe he would do something and not tell me. One thing I knew for certain is that the biggest fear for us both, was upsetting Kyle, hurting him or making his life hard, I certainly didn't want to do that. Kyle had been through more than enough already, I really didn't need to make that harder by taking Gerard away from him.

Losing your Mom and four, then almost being shot, after being kidnapped, was something very traumatising for any human being, but for a four year old, that really was something I didn't want to make worse. Our problems had to stay far far out of Kyle's knowledge, the moment he knew something was up he would worry and I knew it. I knew my son and I knew he was just like me, not only would he worry, but he wouldn't tell a soul, he'd just worry and worry until it finally tore him apart. I couldn't let that happen. Teaching him that he must tell people his problems, that he must let people help and that we were here for him, was a hard thing to do, but I always tried and always would. But keeping mine a Gerard's problems out of his way made his life easier.

Of course it also helped us resolve it, which at first thought you'd think was really weird, but actually it made a lot of sense, it worked. Kyle needed us, we needed to be there for Kyle and we couldn't if we were too busy over reacting about our own things. The last thing I needed was Kyle lacking attention, children need attention, they need twenty-four hour care and they need support, when I'm busy crying myself to sleep - or more keeping myself awake - and worrying about what to do, I'm not giving him that.

Therefore Kyle brought us together, which was a lot easier for him to do when he was oblivious, for us too. If Kyle had no clue we were even fighting, he made us act normal, he made us see what we originally saw in each other, he made us feel the need to talk it out. We had to work things out for him, we had to know what was going on for him and that meant we sorted it out, thanks to Kyle. Even when he had no idea the whole entire time.

It was best kept that way, I certainly didn't want Kyle to know about the sudden tension between Gerard and I, the way our relationship seemed to have just changed a tiny bit. Actually I didn't want to know about that, I didn't want the tension to be there, I wanted everything to go back to how it was, I thought it would. Why would anyone expect the slight awkwardness we were experiencing, you wouldn't, especially not between us. I could so easily aruge for hours, that Gerard and I were the most immautre and childish couple...ever, sort of like really immature teenage relationships only more sex, and we were adults.

A week since we had gotten back together, awkwardness was still in the air and it was hanging tightly there too, it wasn't in the mood to leave. It was almost certainly fear, Gerard and I both feared what came next, but maybe he didn't know I knew he was feeling it too and that was why it was just an awkwardness clinging to the air. Niether of us had the guts to talk about it, so it just existing making everything a little awkward.

It was nothing to the extremity of the awkward silence we shared in the staffroom the day Kyle was in a fight, nor was it even to the extremity of the average awkward silence, but I could sense it and I could feel it. In fact I highly doubt anyone would notice at all, it wasn't an obvious thing, just a slight reluctance for either of us to do anything in the possible case that we got on each others tits. Strangely enough, it wasn't even sexual tension, or anything on that wavelenght, no it was just that we seemed to be treading on thin ice around each other, in general actually.

"Frankie." Hannah nudged me gently knocking me out of my trans, I seemed to have zoned out after my Dad had arrived to wish Hannah a happy birthday, social situations were never my forte, hence me zoning out. It may be a bad habit actually always zoning out, but it didn't do me any harm. "Why don't you come make coffee with me." She smiled grabbing my hand and pulling me up from the couch, clearly she wanted me in there for some reason.