My Way Home Is Through You (Frerard)

Chapter 16

"Okay, it's 4:30, I have to get up in an hour and a half and clearly neither of us are getting any sleep," Hannah started coming into the living room from the kitchen, two steaming coffees in her hands, I chuckled smiling at her, "Now, I want to know what the beef is."

"Beef?" I laughed, she was ridiculous, I couldn't work out whether she was taking the piss or trying to lighten my mood, but she seemed to have made me laugh, I still hoped she was taking the piss. "Hannah, 'beef' died years ago." She shrugged smirking as she took a sip of her coffee. "But even so, it's not 'beef' it's the death of a relationship." I sighed staring into my coffee cup and swallowing my tears, I wasn't crying anymore.

"What?! Y-you're actually done, Frank you have to think about this." She exclaimed looking absolutely gobsmacked, I had told her I had left Gerard and needed to stay for a few nights, but I guess she didn't believe me, to be fair I hadn't told her exactly what happened. "Come on Frank, think this through, you adore e-"

"Y'know what he did?" I asked, meaning it as a rhetorical question, which she clearly understood, as she said nothing, just waited looking at me expectantly. "He keeps hiding things from me, lying to me." I bit my lip breathing slow and heavy, "He was married to someone else, while I was in New York, the same guy he cheated on to be screwing me in school." She gasped looking shocked, it was a little unconvincing, but it wasn't quite the reaction I expected. "Who abused him while he was with me in New York, but he hid that from me too, he only told me he was married, last night."

"And you don't think you're over reacting?" She asked, maybe it was different from her view, but he lied and he hid things, three fucking times, I couldn't trust him if he was doing it that often. "I mean Frankie, I see how much you adore each other, maybe he just wanted to forget it."

"He should've just told me! It wouldn't have changed anything, I would still love him the same, th-"

"If you still love him why can't you see that he loves you too Frank, he made a mistake Frankie." She sighed putting her mug down on the coffee table, she shuffled closer to me taking both of my hands in hers, before turning and pointing to the door, "Frank if he didn't love you, he wouldn't have spent an hour outside in the rain trying to apologize and singing for you. He made one mistake, once."

"No, three times, he did the same thing three fucking times, Hannah." She looked shocked and a little annoyed for a moment, clearly not realizing quite the extent of his lies. "I'm not risking it, I can't trust him." I to think of it for more than a second, I couldn't help but think that maybe she was right, but I couldn't think that, I didn't want to think that.

Honestly I just needed to be told I was right, either that or be slapped in the face and have everyone tell me I was wrong. Really, I just seriously struggled to see how anyone could see it differently, he had lied, he had hidden things, how could I forgive it. For me, it was just impossible to get my head around why he wouldn't tell me, why he wouldn't just be honest, if he regretted it, he only had to say. Simple really, he says 'Look, I married Bert, but it was meaningless, I was depressed and drunk, I want to forget it.' Of course I would say that was fine, I wanted honesty that's all I had to say, but still he didn't tell me.

My mind only came up with one reason as to why he wouldn't tell me; because he had reason to need or want to hide it. The best thing I could come up with was, him not wanting me to know because something had gone wrong, or more it hadn't. It was obvious, so so obvious that all he had to say was 'I regret it, let's forget it', if he could say that, maybe he didn't regret it. Just the thought that that could be the case made me sick to the stomach, but it really wasn't hard to believe when I thought about it, in fact it was easy to believe.

The three biggest fights we ever had, all the things that stayed in the back of my mind and I wished had never happened, they were all virtually the same thing. And they all revolved around Bert. One, fucking Bert behind my back, or more fucking me behind Bert's back and not bothering to tell me. Two, having Bert fuck him while he was in a relationship with me, instead of telling me, asking me to help him out of things he didn't like, he hid it. Third, he is married to me, three fucking years, without telling me he was married to the same guy all the other issues had involved, the guy who kidnapped my fucking kid. What did every problem have in common? Bert, Gerard, sex and Gerard hiding it from me.