My Way Home Is Through You (Frerard)

Chapter 25

Groaning loudly, I downed my coffee standing in the middle of the kitchen, just staring at the television, which was off, my motivation was falling with everyday, that one event seemed to send the world crashing down, like a fucking landslide. Gerard wasn't replying, everytime I rang him, attempted to skype him, texted him, I got no reply, he just ignored it, even when Kyle messaged him or tried to contact him he didn't reply. Needless to say, it was driving me insane, both through fear and through shear annoyance at him being such an asshole, it's not like I had done anything, nothing was even my fault. His behaviour in my opinion, was totally unfair, I couldn't control another beings life, yet he seemed to take it out on me, ignore me for absolutely no given reason.

It was rather rude to be honest, or so I thought anyway, he seemed to be causing me grief and upset for his pain, because something unavoidable happened. The doctors had even said it was just one of those things, there was nothing that could've been done to change the course of events and yet I was still getting the impression I was being blamed for this, or he was at least taking it out on me. It went without saying that I obviously understood how he felt, I shared the pain, I wanted to help him through the pain, but goddamn it he was being selfish, taking his upset out by refusing to talk to me. Had he forgotten that not only was I hurt and confused as to why he was ignoring me, not replying, refusing to talk to me, but I had also just been told my baby was dead, because it was mine too. Maybe that had bypassed his mind, but he wasn't the only one going through this, I was too and yet he didn't bother to let me support him and even support me too, no he just blocked me out.

What made me feel even worse about it was that he knew just how paranoid I got, all the bloody time, he spent his life calming me down, yet he still does a disappearing act, refusing to reply to my messages and calls. After hearing news, hearing me break down the phone and knowing it would make me constantly worry, he still decided it was a good idea to ignore me, and Kyle. If there was one thing I really wish he would think about, it wasn't me, I didn't care about that, no it was Kyle, just remembering one thing: Kyle had been walked out on before, we hadn't seen or spoken to Katie since. The moment Gerard stopped replying Kyle did a perfectly natural thing; assumed it had happened again, he would never forget the fact that his Mom walked out on him, it was one thing that would change everything, it made him think Gerard had done it too.

Kyle was clueless about what had happened, why we had been in hospital, in fact we hadn't even told him about it in the first place, but he certainly didn't take well to Gerard not talking to us. After the first day, he just sat with me on the couch, trying to convince me and himself that Gerard just had no connection or something, trying as hard as he could to make me happy and smile, as he was unaware of why Gerard was ignoring us. By the second night he seemed to be unable to even convince himself, just sitting quietly looking really upset and constantly asking me if Gerard had contacted me, his face loosing all hope everytime I said no. When it got to the third day I just got seriously pissed off with Gerard, Kyle was way past convincing us that Gerard was just busy, he was convincing me that Gerard was gone, telling me how he was never coming back and he hated Kyle, before he began getting particularly pissed off and calling Gerard many unpleasant things.

I couldn't say I would have done quite what Kyle did, but I sure understood his fustration, letting him blame Gerard, because in my opinion it was Gerard's fault. Really, I just wanted him to talk to me, I was past the point of being worried, about his safety, I knew full well he was alive and safe, he just didn't want to talk to me, that hurt me and it did scare me. As soon as we began to drift apart, as soon as he stopped talking to me properly, stopped telling me how he felt and letting me hold his hand as he sorted himself out, that's when the whole relationship came crashing down, that was one thing I couldn't afford to have happen, for so many reasons.