Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

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"Dismiss..."

I don't know what to do. Naguguluhan ako sa nararamdaman ko. I wanted to get rid of this feeling but I have no idea how to. The whole class, I was just silent. I didn't even bother talking to anyone. Luckily, the professor never asked me the entire time. He's probably thinking that I'm listening.

Naramdaman kong may umupo sa tabi ko and even though I didn't glance at who it is, I already knew. He sighed heavily.

"Have I done... something bad?" I looked at him because of what he said. His eyes are filled with confusion. "I'm sorry. Can you tell me what I have done?"

"Nothing. I'm not just in the mood to talk at the moment." I ignored him. Again.

Nakapangalumbaba lang ako, katabi ko siya na nakatingin lang sa 'kin. Nilapag niya naman ang braso niya sa lamesa at dinukdok ang ulo doon, hindi pa rin inaalis ang tingin sa 'kin.

Nilibot ko ang paningin ko sa buong silid just to see that there is only the two of us inside the room. They're probably outside, having their lunch.

"Kumain ka na? Kumain ka na," I told him to break the silence.

"Wala akong gana," he said in a bored tone. I nodded.

Awkwardness immediately enveloped the space between us. I don't want to speak dahil baka mag-stutter lang ako sa harap niya. I chose not to mind the grey atmosphere and focus on my inner thoughts.

Baka nasanay lang ako sa presence niya kaya ako nagkakaganito?

Maybe I should look for a girl? What if manligaw ako? Baka nga masyado lang akong na-impress sa kaniya. Because this is the first time I have a guy friend. I used to be alone before and at school, I don't really talk with other guys.

I didn't even realized that the break time is already done. Nakatulog din si Dillion sa tabi ko kaya bago pa man dumating ang professor, ginising ko na siya.

The day didn't go as well as I expected. Masyadong malalim ang iniisip ko to the point that I didn't even realize I was already inside the jeep. Hanggang sa makarating ako sa bahay, gan'on pa rin. I refused to acknowledge my whole family's presence. Not that they will care.

I decided to just lay on my bed and skip tonight's bath. Tinatamad akong kumilos kaya tinulog ko na lang ang lahat ng iniisip ko.

The next day, medyo naging maayos na ang pakiramdam ko. But I still talk less when Dillion's around. Naisip ko kasi na kung hindi ko naman talaga siya kinausap, hindi naman ako magkakaganito.

"Mars, tara na. Callan, sasabay ka ba sa'min?" I looked at Kyla who's now pulling Carleen with her. Nakatayo na rin si Dillion na walang ekspresyon sa mukha.

"Ah..."

"Hayaan niyo na. Baka gusto pa ring mapag-isa." I frowned at Dillion's remark. He didn't even looked at me when he started walking away.

"Hmm, anyare r'on?" Kyla asked naively.

"Sundan mo nga 'yon, Kyla. Alamin mo kung anong nangyari." Carleen sat in front of me. Tumango naman si Kyla saka sinundan ang lalaki.

"Bakit hindi ka pa sumabay?" I sipped my drink, avoiding her eyes.

"Sabihin mo, talo ka 'no?" She smirked. I grimaced which made her laugh.

"What do you mean?" I asked her, acting like I didn't know what she was talking about.

"Ano nga bang ibig kong sabihin?" She chuckled. "Callan, I'm from a family of Psychologists. I know people's expressions and personalities," she said with a hint of sarcasm. That's true. She came from a family of Psychologists.

"And...?"

"You have feelings for him, right?" I am not shocked when she knew that. Carleen, she's the type of friend that is just so observant. Kaya siya rin ang unang pumasok sa isip ko nang mangailangan ako ng tulong. "And you're thinking that you're just confused because I know you, you don't have guy friends."

"Hmm, that's right. I am maybe just confused. That's why I am going to deal with other girls," I casually said.

"Maganda rin naman 'yang naisip mo, actually." She nodded her head. "But you'll seriously use someone to end your confusion?"

That hit me. Tama nga naman siya. I am selfish, I admit that. But not to the point that I will use someone for my own sake; it's too much.

"Ano bang gagawin ko?" I asked her.

"Simple lang. It's either aminin mo, or tigilan mo." She stated those words as if those were the easiest way.

"Feelings don't stop, Carleen."

"But feelings slowly fade when you accept that you had no chance." I narrowed my eyes on her.

"Do you like someone, Carleen?" She laughed at me. She nodded her head. "Can I know who he is?"

"Unluckily, it's not he. It's she." She laughed again. I nodded before sipping on my drinks again.

We're on the same page. We both like someone na kapareho namin ng kasarian. Is that really possible? That you will grow feelings for someone that had the same gender as yours?

"So... anong pinili mo sa dalawa?" I asked her. She looked at me and smiled sadly.

"Wala." Her chuckle is not genuine. "I didn't confess but I also didn't choose to forget." She looked away. "I just stayed, thinking that someday, she will notice me."

I remained quiet after what she said. She played her feet on the ground as she stared at nowhere. I heard her laugh again.

"Tara na."

Sabay na kaming tumayo. Isinukbit ko na lang ang bag ko sa balikat saka umalis kasama siya. Mabuti na lang at wala pa ang professor nang dumating kami. Dahil sa usapan namin ni Carleen, mas lalo akong na-pressure. Hindi ko pa rin alam ang gagawin ko. O kung may dapat nga akong gawin.

Tumabi ako kay Dillion na noon ay tahimik lang na nakamasid sa labas ng bintana. Hindi niya man lang ako pinansin. I licked my lips before sitting beside him. I pretended that I was doing things in my bag so I could lessen the awkwardness. In my peripheral vision, I know that he's watching me.

I busied myself when the teacher arrived. Buong araw lang akong nakinig sa teacher dahil wala naman akong ibang gagawin.

Madalas ko ring tinitingnan si Dillion pero nasa harap lang ang atensiyon niya. Napapabuntong-hininga na lang ako dahil sa isang iglap, nagkaganito na agad kami. I mean, we're already close to each other and in just a snap, everything went wrong.

I really have a great time ruining things.

"Sorry..."

Yumuko ako para pulutin 'yong gamit nang babaeng nabangga ko. She also kneeled to help me pick up her things. Ngumiti lang ako nang maibalik na 'to.

"You're a business student, right? So, you know Nash Dillion Lincoln?" My brows frowned when she mentioned the name of the man that has been occupying my mind. She's smiling at me now.

Matangkad siya, actually, hanggang leeg ko. Medyo singkit din ang mata niya. May bangs din siya at ang buhok ay hanggang baba ng dibdib. She's beautiful, I'd give that to her.

However, anong kailangan niya kay Dillion?

"Uhm, sorry, why?" I asked in a polite tone. She chuckled.

"I came here to visit him. My---oh, I saw him. Thank you and sorry." Napatingin siya sa likod ko saka lumiwanag ang mukha. Muli pa siyang tumango saka nilagpasan ako.

Kunot noo kong tiningnan kung saan siya pumunta and as expected, she went to Dillion. Dillion, on the other hand, stopped to acknowledge the girl. They both smiled at each other while talking about something. Sabay pa silang naglakad, taliwas sa direksyon kung nasaan ako.

Their smiles shattered something inside me. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang salitang 'yon pero 'yon ang naramdaman ko. Something painful throbbed in my heart.

I smiled sadly. I lost, okay.