Just a Pain Reliever (Pinili Series #1)

Chapter 28

Colors

I look back at those days, when my eyes were wandering across the sky of silhouettes. And I regret none of it. Not wrath, jealousy, envy, hunger, and melancholy. I've learned to love them all. Because I found him. I learned to love the growl of my foresight to see such care. I learned to adore even the ugliness in me. And because I have learned, I will keep on learning, so as to feel everything.

It is not a weakness to lean. It is not an act of validation. Or so I thought. Was I validating my existence with the amount of love I received from others?

Perhaps I latched myself onto him first, and then I came to like him. Perhaps we were lost souls. But then, perhaps, we were strangers who were meant to cross again. And perhaps, as I have gradually adored him, my unknown self has become certain. As I grew my thorns in his, I became significant. I existed.

As I looked at those visions of his, I began to learn a secret language that only we would know how to speak. And by the time of my fright, I found myself taciturn. I could not speak the language I learned from him. Perhaps it was because of my yesterday's nightmares, where I was left by everyone I had come to love. But perhaps there was something inside me that feared being abandoned before I could set my feet to move on. And because it was more than love that I had come to learn from him, I began to chicken out. Because it was love, a little chaos flew before my eyes. It was not unusual for people to feel such an ache after tangling their roots with their lover. And it was not indifferent to witness people recovering from such a disaster. However, it is also not unusual to see people pretending that they are fine. Because love... is love. And sometimes, people may be caged in it. Few come back, while most are unable to set their hearts free.

I know how to betray myself. I know how to lie. But if there was a truth in me, that would be my adoration for him. The truth lies in his eyes. 

"Nababaliw na ba ako?" usal ko habang pinagmamasdan ang aking unan. Hinila ko ang malambot kong kumot at pinilit ang aking sariling bumangon. 

Kinusot ko ang aking mga mata. Marahan kong sinuklay ang kulot kong buhok gamit ang aking mga daliri. Tumayo na ako at bahagyang pinagmasdan ang aking higaan. Suminghap ako at inayos na ito. 

I went to my table and picked up my sketchpad that was lying on it. With the silence in my room, I became deaf as I began to move my fingers. My hand touched the skin of the pencil. It was somewhat dull and light. It moved according to the shape I wanted to draw. The lead began to whine on the paper. The texture was quite rough, so every smooth detail of my movement was engraved. I tried to speak and smile. Yet I was in a daydream. My mind bestowed me with such ethereal eyes. I could draw it. I could feel the rhythm of my hand, the scream of the paper. I could feel everything. The eyes that I once dreamt of flared before me. I drew it. I drew, thinking that I could show how dazzling they were. Yet, as always, the outcome was mediocre. The lighting, the forms, and the shades were all over the place. It was not fine as he was. It was not beautiful. I stared at the lifeless eye that I drew. I sighed and caressed it softly. If only I could boost this ordinary talent. People tend to appreciate things that are not ordinary, which is why I wanted to improve my skills. However, despite practicing, I am still on the verge of mediocrity.

"Gusto ko talagang iguhit ang kanyang mukha," wika ko habang inaalala ang mukha ni Dos na binabalot ng matamis na ngiti.

Then came the morning light. I remembered his smile and how mellow and genuine it was. The purity of soul took me back from exhilaration. I never knew how long the movement of time was until this day. I could tell the sun how immense my longing was. While I drew his eyes once more, I drowned myself in dreams. As I always do.