Ignorance and Foolishness
Ignorance is bliss; if I had been a fool, I would not have seen my own tragedy.
Inside my heart, although I was pampered with love and care by my friends and grandmother, there was still a hint of void and longing that I could sense. I would watch the birds up high, and I would dream of flying above the horizon. I would look at the waves and wish I was a fish, calmly feeling the gentle blow of water. I was not fully content. There was still an emptiness. A siren of wishful thinking? A serene melancholy. These hopes I have beneath my soul may bring cataclysm, but I could not care less. I was indeed greedy. I wanted more love.
I hugged my body against the arms of the bed. I looked at the ceiling, watching how my life would slowly turn grey. I was discovering the mystery of love, whether it was self-love, family love, or romantic love. I was clueless about the word itself. Was loving someone meant to leave? It was only a memory, and a memory that I could not burn. I wish my parents were here.
After all, ignorance is a joy unknown to most. I must say that I'd rather be a fool than know the truth behind these tragedies. My existence was a lifetime of suffering. Oh, to find love with blind eyes.
"Stephie, ayos ka lang ba?"
Narinig kong bumukas ang pinto kaya napalingon ako roon. Nakita ko na lamang si lola na may dalang meryenda. Saglit akong ngumiti at bumangon na. Kauuwi ko lamang galing sa paaralan.
"Okay lang po ako, momma."
Umirap siya at huminga nang malalim. Inilapag niya ang isang baso ng gatas at biscuit sa mesa. Lumapit siya sa akin nang mailapag na niya ang meryenda.
"Oh sweetie, sabihin mo lang kung anong problema mo," she softly whispered. She caressed my cheeks .
I could remember her by her touch, her smile that grows from ear-to-ear and the gaze she always gives me whenever our eyes meet. She was an angel.
I wanted to caress her with my hands, yet I restrained myself from doing so. I do not deserve her warm skin. I am a liar. I cheated on my test. I do not deserve such praise from her pure lips. I do not deserve her at all. The goodness and gentleness of her voice would only offend my ears.
"Hindi po ako nakapasa," I uttered lifelessly.
I could have lied, yet I did not. I could have caged myself in my own grief, yet I did not. I opened the door of my sorrows to her. There was a part of me wishing that she would reach the roots of my woes and untangle them in my heart. I was waiting for her words. I was waiting to be loved.
She did not speak. Our ears were kissed by silence. I was deeply ashamed of myself. I suppose she was disappointed. I wish I had lived as an eternal fool.
"Hindi po ako matalino at hindi po ako karapat-dapat sa iyong mga papuri," I added.
I waited, but she said nothing more. She only studied my face, deeply watching the regrets in my eyes.
Do not deny your discomfort.
I could not do it, Dos. I could not. I could only deny this ache. I could not truly admit to myself that I was not fine. I could feel the coldness of the gloomy walls, the evil chortle of the fan, and the loneliness of the curtain. I felt alone. After all, the world was too bright and perfect, unknowingly reflecting how dark I was. Even if I acknowledge my discomfort, what good will it do? Nothing. Admitting that I was in pain would do nothing at all. I could disregard the disdained stares, yet I could not ignore my self-pity. What makes it even funnier is giving up while holding onto the glass of hope. It was an irony. No one would adore a failure. I am not a black sheep, yet I was seen as one.
BINABASA MO ANG
Just a Pain Reliever (Pinili Series #1)
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