More than this
I do not want to think again. I don't want to be contradictory or shaken by such inadequacy. And I do not want anything related to Dos to stay as memories, only memories. And the moment I accepted my feelings for him, I realized I could be both weak and strong in his presence. The moment I understood everything, I began to wish to be more than what we are today; more than this; more than everything else. Young love or illusion? Name it. I wanted to be more than I could possibly be towards him.
And then, before I could speak, a question flew through my head: What am I to you?
"Huh? Bakit ang lapit nila sa isa't isa? Akala ko ay nobya ni Dos iyon." Umalingawngaw ang nakabibinging tanong ni Jane.
Almost a sigh, without an infinitesimal movement, I spoke. "Maraming nasasawi sa maling akala."
Ngumisi si Jane. Dahan-dahan siyang umiling. Dumako ang aking paningin sa kanyang kamay na ngayon ay tinatapik ang aking balikat.
"Alam ko. Bahala na nga. Abort mission!" aniya.
There was a long silence, yet I did not speak at all. Not even a single word tumbled out of my mouth. I spoke of nothingness.
I stood properly. I smiled and caressed her hair. Jane looked at me once more.
"Hindi na kita pipilitin," wika niya. Kumislap ang kanyang mga mata. Agad niya itong ibinaling sa aking mga kaibigan. "Una na ako," aniya at naglakad palayo sa aming kinaroroonan. Napabuntong-hininga na lamang ako.
"Aalis na rin ako." Muli akong huminga. Pinagmasdan ko ang aking mga kaibigan.
"Ingat!' wika ni Jedd. "Kuwentuhan mo kami bukas!"
Agad na umikot ang mata nang mamasdan ang kanyang pagkindat.
"Break a leg, girl!" sigaw ni Gwen. Napailing-iling na lamang ako.
Sa pagpihit ng segundong tila isang tigreng kumakaripas sa gubat ay agad kong iginalaw ang aking mga paa patungo sa samyong labis na hinahanap-hanap ng aking mga matang wari ko'y tuwiran nang nabulag ng pag-sinta. Tila ba sa bawat hakbang na iginughit ng aking mga paa sa konkretong daan ay unti-unting bumabagsak ang sinag ng araw sa aking paningin. At habang marahan akong lumalapit sa kanyang kinaroroona'y lalo lamang dumadagundong ang pintig ng aking makamandag na ligaya. Tila ba'y nadadarang ako. Tila ba'y nalalason ako.
"Hanapin mo na ang naliligaw mong puso!" Sa pagkakataong ito'y boses naman ni Alissa ang gumimbal sa aking pandinig. Muli ay umiling ako at binaybay ang daang binabalot ng maraming mag-aaral. Iba't-ibang tunog at klase ng tili ang humalik sa aking tainga. Iniangat ko ang aking paningin, at sa mga sandaling ang aking mga mata'y lumapat sa isang nilalang ay agad na umapoy ang ningas na aking ikinukubli.
To think that I had many desires was quite foolish of me. It took me a hundred days, or almost infinite seconds, to realize how simple my desire was. I desire him. I desire all of him. I swore in my eyes, the first time our hands burned into the deepest reaches of our skin, that if I had a hundred chances in life, I would always choose his fingertips to fill mine, and mine alone. And if we exist in a thousand different universes, I sincerely hope that my other half will find him as my whole. Because I cannot live as one if my other half is gone. And to realize that he is a part of me is truly jovial and frightening at some point. How will I unveil the garments of my naked desires? How will I have him?
BINABASA MO ANG
Just a Pain Reliever (Pinili Series #1)
Romance"Why does the candle lose its flame when the wind blows?" It was a question that neither Cupid nor the gods could answer. It was an abyss of bliss. A question that takes a lifetime to be answered. A question that only people who adore each other wo...
