Chapter 31
Unholy
"Everything is not easy and will not be easy." Sabi ko.
I wasted all the chances I had when I'm tying to win her back... That time, naduwag na naman ako. Ngayon, ang kapal ng mukha ko para bumalik pa. Para ayain siyang bumalik sa akin.
"Yes, it's better than to regret diba. I mean, kung mahal mo, ipursue mo. Or better, tell her honestly about what you feel right now sinced wala kayong closure noon. She needs explanation din." Pagkwento niya.
Si Deborah ba talaga 'to?
Bakit parang may point siya ngayon? Nasanay ako na walang sense ang mga sinasabi niya sa tuwing love na ang pinag-uusapan.
Instead, I sighed heavily and layed my head in the recliner chair. Hindi ko sinagot ang sinabi niya... Ayaw ko basta-basta magsalita about love. About her. About Hope.
"Yan ka na naman, what if hanapan nalang kita ng lalake?" Sabay ngiti na parang demonyo. "Para makamove on?"
"Naka-moveon na nga," sabi ko. Umayos ako ng upo. "I don't want to ruin her life again. Ayaw kong manggulo. What I did to her back then was already enough." Ayaw kong dumagdag.
"Hay naku," inis na inis siyang umirap.
My ex-girlfriend is now a nun.
Fuck this. I'm a still inlove with her? I think I am.
Kung saan sana ay kaya ko na siyang ipaglaban... Saka pa siya naging madre. But I don't care! Gagawin ko ang lahat para mapasakin ulit siya... Damn her, I missed her so much.
"Seryoso na tayo, ano ba talaga si Hope sa'yo?" Here we go again.
"She's like a sunlight." Tipid kong sagot.
"Just like in love. If you love the person, will you still stay eventhough it hurts? Will you stay, knowing that it will only cause burning?" Seryoso niyang tanong. Invest na invest talaga siya sa lovelife ko.
In my dark days, she was the one who gave me light. A touch of her lightened up my world, I found my way again. She really did save me from darkness. I'm happy. . . But what if that sunlight was gone? That sunlight was hurting me? What happen when the Sunlight Hurts? Will I be ready to face the dark again if I'll lost her? Because the answer will be definitely no.
"Tama na, huwag na muna nating pag-usapan ang love na yan." Sabi ko.
Right now, I'm spending my day with Ej and Hope. We did all the things that will the kid happy. Hindi ko alam kung masaya din ba si Hope o napipilitan lang... Pero sana oo, masaya siya. Ayaw ko talaga na napipilitan lang siyang pakisamahan ako.
Hindi ko pa nasasabi kay Ej ang patungkol sa pag-aampon ko sa kaniya. I wanted it to be a surprise. Having a kid will be hard but it will be fun, I guess.
"Mukhang close na close na kayo ni Ej, that's good. Thank you for taking good care of him..." I started to have a conversation with Hope.
Ayaw ko ng awkwardness sa tuwing tahimik kami sa isa't-isa.
"I like kids. I am having fun taking care of kids especially Ej." She said in a most genuine way.
"I like it when you're happy like that." Wala sa sarili kong naiusal. Narinig niya pero hindi ko naman pinagsisisihan ang sinabi ko.
She didn't uttered a word. She only smiled at me.
Hope is really... Genuine and pure. Ang bait niya. Narealized ko na hindi ko talaga deserve ang babaeng katulad niya.
No one really deserves her... Mabuti nga naging madre siya!
Ayaw ko talagang aminin na I don't want to see her with somebody else!
"Yes, I'm happy." Tumingin siya sa akin. Nagtama ang mga mata namin. Mariin akong napalunok pero hindi ko pinahalata.
"Are you happy too?" She asked me the same question.
"Oo kasi nandito ka. Masaya ako dahil kasama kita, Hope." Eto lang naman ang mga salita na gustong-gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya.
But instead, eto ang sinabi ko. "I can say that I am already successful in life. Why couldn't I be happy?"
Yes, successful. Contented naman ako... Pero ayaw ko lang talagang sabihin kay Hope na pinipilit ko nalang ang sarili ko na makuntento kasi ayaw kong aminin na may kulang sa akin. At siya 'yon.
Ang kapal naman ng mukha kong sabihin na gustong-gusto ko siyang bumalik sa akin knowing that already hurt her several times.
"I'm happy that you're contented. Sana ako rin, malaman ko din kung paano makuntento." At pagkatapos ay natawa siya. I know that she's just laughing it off. Pero narinig ko parin ang huli niyang sinabi.
"Aren't you? You can tell me. I'm willing to listen."
Tumingin siya sa akin, sa mga mata ko to be exact.
"Yes, I love my life. I love everything that I have right now but it felt there is really something that-" pakiramdam ko ay hindi niya kayang isambit ang gusto niyang sabihin.
Are we feeling the same?
"Parang may kulang..." Ako nalang ang tumapos.
"Tell me." Utos ko.
"But admitting that I still love you is so unholy, Alessandra." She uttered.
BINABASA MO ANG
The Heart's Refugee (Completed)
Fiction généraleWhen her first and greatest love disappeared, she promised herself not to fall inlove with someone else. That's why she chose the path of being a nun... in the peak of her career being a nun, she found herself chased by the girl who left her... givi...
