Record The Shot (SOON TO BE PUBLISHED UNDER IMMAC PPH)

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Peace

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I thought I wanted to die. I honestly thought I was losing my life when I learned that I let another man touched me aside from Leale, but then he came. My son came to give me purpose to live again. He gave me reasons to love myself again. To believe in myself again. My son... He looked at me with those admiring eyes of him. Like I'm the only person whom he will look up to. The reason why I decided to live with him while I still can.

"No, Maevhelle! There's no way I will let you have an abortion just because you don't know whose child he is!" My brother shouted at me out of anger through the other line.

"Hindi naman ikaw ang nahihirapan, Kuya! Hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap para sa 'kin 'to! Ayoko nito! This child is the proof of what I did, and it kills me! It kills me, Kuya!" I shouted back, crying out of frustration.

I don't know if it's my pregnancy or is it just because of me. After meeting my friends again and told them what really happened, something stroke me to feel... suffocating. Kinakahiya ko ang sarili ko. Ibang-iba sila sa 'kin. Nagagawa nila ang mga gusto nila. They work what they wanted. Ako na may pangarap kagaya nila, hindi.

Bakit nagagawa pa rin nilang magawa ang mga bagay na gusto nilang gawin kahit na may problema sila? Bakit ako, hindi?

"Iniwan mo na si LJ, 'di ba? Nasaktan ka na. Kapag ginawa mo 'yan, masasaktan ka na naman! Gusto mo bang patuloy na masaktan, Maevhelle?!"

"Kapag ginawa ko 'to, makakalaya ako!" Sigaw ko sa tunay na dahilan kung bakit ayoko ng ipanganak ang batang dala-dala ko. "Kasi... Kasi, Kuya, hindi ko na kaya. Ayoko na. Pagod na 'ko,"

"Anong kasalanan no'ng bata sa 'yo para idamay mo siya, Maevhelle?" Tanong ni Kuya, hindi na alam kung pa'no ako pipigilan. "Anak mo pa rin 'yan kahit na hindi mo alam kung sino ang ama n'yan. Ayaw mo bang bigyan siya ng tsansa na mahalin ka?"

"Pagod na 'ko..." sabi ko imbes na sagutin siya.

Narinig ko ang malalim na pag-buntong hininga ni Kuya nang marinig ang naging sagot ko sa kaniya. Base sa lalim no'n, alam kong alam na niyang hindi na talaga niya ako mapipigilan. That even if he forced me to not to, I will still do it no matter what.

It's unfair. It is so unfair how I'm the only one who's suffering while Jason is living his life. He's now a known soccer player on the same team as Leale and Toshi. He's living his life while I was here, suffering because of what we did. Bakit ako lang ang nag-durusa? Is it because I'm the one who was in a relationship when something happened to us? But he knows that I was drunk and in a relationship back then. Alam niyang wala ako sa katinuan ko ng mga oras na 'yon kaya bakit? Bakit ako lang?

I was losing hope. I was losing reasons to live because of how unfair our situation was. I was already at the edge of myself, slowly getting tired of living, wanting to die immediately. I was there. I was already there, standing in front of the place where they can help me get rid of the proof of my sin. I was already there. I was there when all of the sudden, I felt my knees weakened at the sight of the place itself.

I just found myself sitting on the ground in front of that place while tears were falling on my cheeks. I was crying because I know that despite how much I wanted to get rid of it, there's still a part of me that want him to live. I want my son to live because all the things that I did are never his fault. Wala siyang kasalanan. Wala siyang kinalaman sa mga ginawa ko. My child has nothing to do with my sins.