Wanting Approval

Chapter Four

Lewis is sitting on his living room floor playing Sorry! with Gwen and her friend Belle because his parents decided to make tonight their date night and asked Lewis to babysit his sister and her friend. He doesn't really think Gwen needs a babysitter but she does need to be constantly entertained and that can basically be the same thing. Then of course there is Lewis's little brother Nate, he definitely needed a babysitter because without Lewis he would be sitting in front of the TV twenty-four hours a day to play his video games. Which is exactly what he is doing right now because he has another half an hour till he has to start getting ready for bed.

"Lewis, no don't do that. I was so close" Gwen says while he moves one of her pons back home because he landed on that spot. Lewis just laughed at her before Belle popped the dice for her turn.

"Yes! I win" Belle screams because she just moved her last pon into the safe zone.

"No, no! See Lewis this is your fault" Gwen says while gathering up the pons in a plastic baggy.

"What? How? That doesn't make sense" Lewis says just sitting there because how in the world was this his fault when he had no way of stopping Belle.

"I don't know it just is because you are you" Gwen says putting the board in the box and walking away to put it back in the closet. Lewis just stays seated and flips her off.

Later when everyone is in bed Lewis is on facetime with his group chat talking about to no surprise the new kid. He is trying his best to be excited about this but it just isn't working. He just hopes the rest of his friends (other than Callie and Dylan who already know his feelings) can't tell how he isn't really on board with this attack plan. The game plan is to just text the group the exact location if anyone happens to see someone they don't recognize at any moment because they still don't when this person is going to come to the school.

Lewis spends about an hour thinking about all the different and equally horrible possibilities that this new student brings with them. They could be super self absorbed and want nothing to do with him. They could be overly nice to the point where it is definitely fake. Or they could turn out to be a brutal bully that just so happens to be homophobic. Oh god, what if he turns his friends against him because of this.

He rips out of bed before he can spiral even more and leaves his room to say goodnight to Gwen and Nate instead. 

Friday night is exactly like this one, except Lewis is watching TV in the living room instead of staying in his room because this mindless background comedy is offering a very nice distraction to his impending doom. He can't stop thinking about how the new kid has occupied his thoughts for almost a whole week and isn't even here yet. What if they are really hot and Lewis is too nervous to ever do anything about it? Who is he kidding? He will never be the first move maker no matter what the other person looks like. What if they make fun of him for being nervous, or having anxiety? He knows that mental health problems are more talked about but that doesn't mean everyone will be judgment free about it. They could end up making fun of him for never having been in a relationship, unless you could the girl he kissed in fourth grade because he thought that's what he was supposed to do, but he didn't like it and she cried. What if by some miracle this person does like him but he has to let them down easy, he has never had to do that. He will have to talk to Callie about what to do in this situation. Maybe they will be a straight girl and he will have to tell them he is gay and break the news that way. What if he's friends like them better? They mostly likely will then he will be all alone, except Callie and Dylan hopefully because they have been pretty consistent for him. 

By the time Lewis is done with all of these thoughts he is not taking in any air while trying to breathe. His mind is still repeating all these horrible scenarios back to him at a louder volume. He tries to focus on even just one thing that he can see but his vision is blurry from maybe lack of oxygen or tears he can't tell anymore. His hands are shaking as they try to grab onto his own chest to relieve some of the pain he is feeling. Nothing is helping and he is starting to see dots and he is curling in on himself. Lewis sits with his back against the couch and his knees pulled up close to his chest so he can squeeze them. He is trying to push himself into the couch while also holding himself together by wrapping his arms around his legs to make himself as small as possible. He is getting less and less air and might be starting to get light headed.

The next thing Lewis knows is that his mom is rubbing his back while he is waking up.

"Hey sweetie, how was tonight?" His mom asks because he has a suspicion from his position on the couch that he did not end up here voluntarily.

"Um ... it was okay for the most part. Nate was really annoyed when I didn't let him finish his round and Gwen couldn't figure a math problem ... um ... and I had another attack. This one was bad I couldn't stop it and I guess I passed out here" Lewis says while looking at his lap because he can't look into her eyes right now and he feels very pathetic.

"Oh sweetie, it's okay. Why didn't you call me as soon as you felt it getting bad?" She asked because they have discussed that no matter what he is always allowed to call her during an attack.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice it was happening until it was too late and I couldn't see anything or focus because it hurt so bad" Lewis says feeling like he is disappointing her because she has told him so many times that he should never let himself be alone during an attack like that.

"No no don't apologize for this. This is not your fault. What do you think triggered this?" His mom asks because he hasn't a non-triggered attack in a very long time. So, it is safe to assume there is something they need to talk about. 

"Um ... there is a new student starting at my school soon and my friends want to have them join our group but I just kept thinking of all the bad outcomes of them joining, like me being replaced. Mom, what if they like this person better than me?" Lewis asks, feeling himself getting worked up again because he doesn't know how to deal with this. There are just so many possibilities.

"Sweets, they aren't going to replace that easily. As long as you continue keeping up your image and being pleasant to everyone you will be perfectly fine" His mom says trying to reassure her son that he will be just fine.

Lewis knows that his mom is trying to make him feel better but everything is always about status for her. She insists that her children will always put the best of themselves into everything so she would be very disappointed in him if she knew he barely says anything to any of the people in his friend group.

She leads him up to his room with a hand on his back in the way only a mom can be comforting by just a simple touch like this. Lewis gets into bed feeling absolutely exhausted from this week.