Wanting Approval

Chapter Twenty 29

Blake and Lewis were dancing in Blake's kitchen. The boys had originally been planning to make themselves a snack when they got back from school after checking their report cards. But this changed when Blake saw his maths mark, it had been much higher than he expected. He had charged Lewis and spun them around in a big bear hug. Lewis just laughed confused why Blake was so happy about his grades till Blake kissed him. Blake thanked Lewis with the biggest grin on his face, Lewis had been a leading factor in Blake even passing that class. Lewis just poked Blake's dimples that were on full display and told him that it was all Blake, even if he knew that Blake was not always the most focused when it came to maths problems. They have had more than one argument about his lack of concentration.

This celebration turned into dancing to ABBA in the kitchen instead of getting food. Dancing Queen is playing and Blake gives Lewis a little tug, twirling him around. Then bringing him flush against his chest so they can dance together again.

"You did so well, I am proud of you. And I am sorry if I don't say that enough to you" Lewis says to Blake after the song has ended and Chiquitita starts playing in the background. Lewis has watched Blake struggle with questions and seen how much effort he has put into his own success. He also knows how it makes him feel when Blake expresses how much he cares about Lewis, so he does it more often now.

"God I love you" Blake mumbles while bringing Lewis into a sweet kiss. Blake moves his hand from Lewis's hand to cup his cheek. Lewis smiles into the kiss.

"I love you too, babe" Lewis says, pulling back just enough to catch Blake's eyes. The two take a moment to stare into each other's eyes then like teenage boys would, they start kissing again.

Lewis is standing in Blake's bathroom, he is in front of the mirror above the sink, shirtless and scared. Lewis has been afraid of his body changing throughout the whole recovery process. He has made a point of not looking at himself too often because it can be a trigger for him. But not Lewis is supposed to be changing into some extra pjs Blake had so they can get ready for bed. Lewis just stares at his torso, this was the original catalyst to his eating disorder, that and his anxiety. He knows that he is finally looking healthy again but his brain can still torment him with horrible ideas, no matter what those thoughts will most likely linger for a long time. All of a sudden there is a knock on the bathroom door, Lewis snaps his gaze back up to his face. Which he now realises has tears running down his cheeks.

"Baby, you okay? It's been a while since you made any noise in there" Blake says through the door after knocking. He sounds on the verge of worry, but Lewis can't seem to move or speak. Too many thoughts about Blake being disgusted by his changing body are running through his mind now.

"Lewis, can I come in please? You're starting to worry me" Blake says, knocking again, this time with more urgency. But still Lewis can not do anything but cry. He has now brought his hands up to his face to cover it while sobbing.

"Oh baby, I am coming in okay?" Blake says, a couple seconds later entering the bathroom. Blake had heard the noises of Lewis crying and got too worried to leave him be. Now he sees that Lewis was indeed struggling.

 Blake moves closer cautiously, he removes Lewis's hands from his face but still Lewis leaves his focus on the floor. Blake keeps a strong hold on Lewis's wrists while rubbing his thumbs on the insides. Lewis is not breathing heavy or wheezing so this Blake is going to take as a good sign, he is hoping that Lewis can tell him what's wrong. That is until he notices the way Lewis is looking anywhere but in front of them and that he looks to be previously directed at the mirror. Blake is no stranger to Lewis's body issues, they have had many conversations about them and he has noticed even more cover behaviours from Lewis.

Blake has seen Lewis change his shirt many times with the excuse of it 'not fitting right' which seems to be code for it felt too tight that day. Or when Lewis used to mention how he didn't think he would fit into Blake's clothes, even though Lewis has always been smaller than Blake.

Lewis is trying really hard not to shove Blake back because he is still shirtless and Blake is touching him. He wishes that this could be a moment where he would think about his beautiful, and hot boyfriend but now his brain can only produce thoughts about his torso. Blake shifts them so that he is standing directly behind Lewis with his chin resting on Lewis's shoulder and his arms wrapped around Lewis's stomach. He feels Lewis take in a sharp inhale, he holds his hands in the same position until Lewis gives in and breaths out.

"Lewis you're not going to believe this but the most beautiful boy is standing right in front of me, I can't believe I get to call him my boyfriend, love c'mon" Blake says, this wasn't his original plan but he is hoping that something this cheesy will work for Lewis. Lewis lets out a harsh noise that is supposed to be a laugh.

"Th-that was hor-r-rible" Lewis says, finally looking Blake in the eyes through the mirror. Lewis turns himself around in Blake's hold and pushes his face into Blake's neck. Snuggling close, Blake squeezes tighter and buries his face in Lewis's hair.

"Let's get the beautiful boyfriend to bed, and I know you loved it" Blake says, tugging Lewis by his hands towards his bedroom. Lewis just gives an exaggerated roll of his eyes and allows himself to be pulled along.

Now Blake, Callie, Dylan and Lewis all eat lunch together in the library, they have a good laugh everyday. Now matter if Blake is desperately trying to finish his maths homework that he was supposed to do the night before but instead he was distracted by chatting with Lewis on the phone, and Lewis helping finish because he loves the unfocused idiot. Or if Callie is telling them for what has to be the 100th time about this new girl she started talking to. Dylan being able to basically quote Callies stories about Talia word for word, and sometimes doing so making both Blake and Lewis burst out laughing. Earning himself a strong but friendly glare from Callie.

They are all there to support and love Lewis through everything and he is there to reciprocate.

Lewis and his mother had a long talk about her expectations for him. He had discussed this many times with his therapist and she encouraged him to take charge of his own feelings. After the discussion they had, Lewis's mom was able to support Lewis better rather than add to the pressure he puts on himself. Lewis never wants to disappoint his mom but he is glad that he can now breathe easier when she picks him up from soccer practice. He has learned that just being there and being himself is enough for her approval.