Wanting Approval

Chapter Twenty Six

Lewis had been sent home on Saturday afternoon, he had been given the all clear since he was eating his meals consistently. His family and the doctors have discussed that it would be best if Lewis had monitored meals at school as well. This just meant that someone was supposed to be there and make sure that he was able to finish his allotted food. Blake instantly offered to be his support since they always eat together anyways, but his parents decided they wanted some authority with this as well so a teacher will need to be present. Lewis was very thankful when the librarian offered because she could always see the two boys eating lunch at the tables anyways, now she would just pay a little more attention. Lewis was feeling very supported yet overwhelmed with everyone offering to help him so willingly.

Lewis has always felt like he had to earn people's attention, like if he underperformed then they wouldn't pay him any attention. It was pretty clear to him that this stems from the pressure his mom put on him for soccer and his schooling. But as soon as Lewis started having serious friends she started putting that pressure on his relationships too. Now Lewis can't differentiate between his own feelings of need for validation and what his mom has told him will happen if he doesn't please other people.

Another step in Lewis's recovery is his therapy sessions, these have helped him come to these realisations. While in the hospital he had a 30 minute session every day to discuss his habits, feelings and goals. Now that he is out he will have two, hour long sessions each week. Lewis rather likes his therapist Dr. Ashley. She has been very gentle and focuses on exactly what Lewis wants from each session. For example, their last appointment Lewis really didn't feel like talking about food because that's all his mind has been for the past couple of days and she changes the topic to his feelings about school instead. Still not a pleasant topic but still an improvement from food.

It is now Monday morning and Lewis is sitting at the kitchen island finishing up his breakfast, aka the first of many struggles of the day. His mom is sitting on her phone with him because his siblings have both already gone upstairs to finish getting ready. Once Lewis finishes his food, he and his mom go over what he has packed himself for lunch. Lewis is supposed to take responsibility for his own nourishment so having him pick which foods, while also aligning with health requirements gives him a bit of the control he needs. 

Right as Lewis is finishing packing all his homework back in his bag there is a short knock on his door. It has to be Blake because almost nobody else comes to their house, let alone at eight in the morning. Blake made a promise to himself to help Lewis with every single thing he needs. Lewis may not want the help sometimes, or maybe will just feel pressured because of his poor mental health, but Blake is going to be there to support him anyways. Blake is unfortunately well aware of how Lewis's stress can manifest into anger towards people, even when Lewis doesn't mean for it. He is going through a major adjustment and Blake will never hold that against him. Plus, Blake knows that Lewis doesn't really mean any of the things he says to Blake in those heated moments.

Like, during the second last day of Lewis's hospital stay, he didn't particularly feel like eating with Blake there and couldn't think of a way to tell him without hurting his feelings. So, he just took it, and then his mom had brought his siblings who were being too loud for him to concentrate on his school work. Lastly, while the nurse was going over his recent blood work with him and his mom, Blake was typing on his computer just a bit too noisy, this was the final straw for Lewis's sanity that day.

"BABE! Please, for the love of all things sane, I need you to stop making noise" Lewis says quite angrily towards Blake. The nurse glanced over to them but kept speaking to Lewis's mom and Blake's typing sounds stopped right away.

"Oh um... M'sorry, I have to finish this though so I'll go. Sorry again" Blake says, feebly. He grabs his computer off his lap and his bag from the ground beside him and makes a swift exit. This was the first time he had ever seen Lewis look anything but anxious or calm. Lewis had never been a confrontational person, this was actually a quality that surprised Blake about Lewis. If his sisters and him had Lewis and Gwen's relationship then he would have had many more screaming matches. Blake sat on one of the chairs outside in the hall just to finish this document then he was going to make his way back in.

Back inside Lewis's hospital room he was once again on the verge of tears. He hadn't meant to snap like that at Blake. It was just the stress of having to think about his own health and eating and school and soccer and many other things that had finally got to him. Blake was being the most supportive boyfriend to ever exist and Lewis couldn't be more thankful. But now he had fucked it up, he had sent Blake running. Realistically, Lewis knew that this one comment had not made Blake decide to break up, but his brain was not thinking realistically anymore so now here he was crying. Lewis had long ago stopped paying attention to what the doctor was explaining to his mom about his blood work. It wasn't as though he really cared at the moment. He had been cooped up in this hospital for too long now and was starting to lose it. He could think of nothing better than going for a cleansing run, or maybe just curling up in his comfortable bed with Blake. But now Blake was mad at him for sure. Just as he was ready to fully cry again, the door opened and Blake came back in with his bag over one shoulder and no computer in hand. Lewis immediately thought this was going to be Blake's goodbye. Lewis was preparing himself for the worst, silent tears still falling from his eyes.

"Oh baby, why are you crying?" Blake says, dropping his bag on the ground and rushing over to gather Lewis in his arms. He was confused, he had only stepped out for a couple minutes to finish school work. What could have gotten to his baby in that time?

"Y-y-you l-left, thought-t-t you w-w-wer-were l-lea..." Lewis stutters out before being interrupted. Face buried in Blake's shoulder, arms wrapped securely around his shoulders. 

"No, no, you hear me, no! I am not going anywhere Lewis. As long as you want me, I'm staying right here" Blake says, squeezing his arms tighter around Lewis's waist. Blake can now see that Lewis thought that because he voiced that he needed more quiet, that Blake was going to leave him. He realises that Lewis is going through so much right now and has so far been coping rather well, so this is just his emotions finally getting the better of him. Blake is more than willing to go through an emotional roller coaster with Lewis if it means he gets to see Lewis's eye crinkling smile.

"Okay" Lewis says, fisting the back of Blake's shirt. Lewis knows he can't rely on Blake too much, but right now this is just for emotional support and comfort. Something Lewis learned in therapy is that he has to want to get better for himself, and he does. But he also wants to get better for Blake so that they can have a normal relationship and move past this.