smile ; ch

sixteen

evie
i lace my fingers through calum's, stepping into the elevator going up fourteen levels to the new psychologist. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't nervous.

"feldy told me we gotta post a bit today." he mumbled, and i nodded. the elevator door closes.
"come here." i bring him into a hug and grab my phone out, snapping a photo of us in the reflection.
"let me post it." he asks, "send me the photo."
"why?"
"more attention this way."

i do as he says, watching him take the photo to instagram and instead of putting it on his story he goes to post it. he stares at the caption part, "any ideas?"
"there doesn't need to be one?"
"you've always been in favour of captions."
"just put a love heart or something." i shrug, he does, going to the black heart emoji. it's always been his favourite.

"good?"
"sure."
"no, like are you good?" he asks, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
"yeah, fine. are you?"
"nervous." he mumbles.
"we're gonna be fine." i turn to him, reaching my palm up to his cheek.
"do i really deserve to have you love me again?" he stutters out, the elevator door opens.
"let's unpack that all in here."

/

calum and i sit down, leaving space between us on opposite ends of the couch.
we've had our introductions with patrick, who insists we call him paddy because it's more comfortable. he told us his pronouns are he/they, and we're free to express whatever emotion we want as long as we aren't violent to each other or ourselves. he's middle age, progressive, well groomed. he's attractive, and i can't completely gage if calum is comfortable enough. he's aware of the contract, sworn to secrecy, no one in the whole world other than the band and management knows we're here. everything's paid for.

"let's just start off by getting comfortable with each other, i'll have you know that i've been in this industry for nearly fifteen years now, my focus is on couple therapy and around 90% of my couples end up working through their issues and learning new communication skills to strengthen their marriage."
"we're not married." calum says.
"oh, my mistake. i thought it said on the papers you were at least engaged?"
"no, we never got to that part." i chuckle.
"a relationship is still a relationship no matter the label." paddy says warmly, making me smile comfortably.

calum spreads his legs dominantly, clenching his jaw nervously.
"is this your first time speaking to a psychologist?" paddy asks.
"his first, but no i saw someone when we were first having issues." i say.
"how did you find your previous experience?"
"very helpful, i learned a lot about myself and my worth."
"were you aware of these sessions, calum?"
"no, i wasn't."
"okay." paddy writes this down.

"obviously under patient confidentiality, the contract is completely private and the information divulged in this room doesn't leave this space." both calum and i nod.

"calum, how do you feel about being here today?" paddy directs.
"uh...nervous i guess. i've never done this before. i don't wanna fuck up or say the wrong thing."
"what does fucking up or saying the wrong thing look like to you?" he pushes.
"i don't know." calum responds nonchalantly.
"cal." i say, reaching over and holding his leg,
"let's do some digging, calum. push a bit further than 'i don't know'."

calum sighs, "i guess just making anything her fault. nothing was her fault, i was the wrong that fucked up. i don't wanna say anything that will make me look awful, i don't wanna be the bad guy forever."
"was there something that happened to stir up these feelings?"
"can you say, evie." calum looks at me, and i nod. "sorry mate, i just am not ready to break down. it's been five minutes." he chuckles nervously.
"it's very common to want your partner to explain, don't worry. evie, if you please."
"so it was around last year, calum had been growing very distant and he was partying heaps. he was making it really big on his tours and his music and i was starting to feel less and less like a priority to him. i came home one day to find him in bed with another girl, and i left him."
"fidelity is...it's a hard thing for humans. we are fallacious creatures. can you walk me through this day?" paddy says, and i let go of calums thigh.
"i'd gone shopping with his band mates, we'd planned a surprise party to say thank you to calum for being such...such a good person and so kind hearted to us all," i feel tears start to brim my eyes and paddy nudges the tissue box to me but i don't take one, "and i'd split up from the boys to buy some lingerie. i thought maybe if i looked a bit better, i would be able to at least connect sexually with him. i'd been eating good, going to the gym and when that didn't get his attention i thought sex would help but it didn't. i came home with all my things for the party and i walked upstairs, thinking he was out for lunch with his producers like the boys thought they set up. when i opened the bedroom door, i saw him having sex with a girl way prettier than me. i dropped all my bags and just watched for a second, it was like a car crash you couldn't look away from him. once calum noticed me standing there, he threw himself off her and started yelling at me like it was my fault i lived in his house. i packed a small bag while she sat on my bed in my sheets and left straight away."