smile ; ch

thirty nine

evie

i knock softly on his door, my duffel bag hanging over my shoulder.
he opens the door quickly and swiftly, feeling like the breeze could knock me right over.
"hey." he says, stepping aside to let me in. his shirt is torn at the neck and he's holding a lemonade in his hand.
"is ashton still here?" i ask, looking back at him once we've passed the door.
"uh, no, he just left." he scratches his neck.
"oh." i nod, trying to force out a smile.

"do you want to come upstairs?" he asks.
"yeah, um, sure." i nod again, following him up his staircase and watching his back flex as he opens his bedroom door.

i drop my duffel bag on my side, the unspoken rule that it was already my side of the bed. i don't even know what to say to him, i feel embarrassed and sad and guilty but so angry all in one.

"look, evie, i don't wanna fight anymore." he sighs, sitting down on his bed. i stay standing.
"me neither." i almost whisper.
"i think we need to talk to john about the contract."
"yeah, i think so too."
"what do you wanna do?"
"i-i just...i don't know calum. i think we should probably talk about it some more."
"i-um, i don't know if moving in and everything was a good idea." he tells me, and i feel like the winds been knocked out of me.
"oh."
"i just think maybe it's best - for now - eves, maybe we do the contract as much as we can, i think you were right yesterday. push for a few more days, see if we can still work on us. i just maybe jumped the gun, do you think?"

i don't respond for a moment, really taking in what he's say. like the whole fight yesterday was for nothing.

"yeah, maybe you're right." i look down. i'd come back here wanting to fight the contract, throw it in the bin.
"what do you think?" i can feel his stare burn into me.
"yeah, i agree with you." i shrug, not wanting to fight about this.
he sighs, "i spoke-i spoke to ashton about it that's all, and he was kind of giving me a different perspective on everything i guess. i think i pushed you too quickly with moving in, and you're right about the money. i was just being selfish and wanting you all to my myself." i can see him through my eyelashes that he's dropped his head.

i want to scream at him and tell him that i'd stay here for no money at all, if it meant i could be with him. happy. normal. no drugs or cheating.

"the only things i want to argue in the contract are the days and the 'real romantic' thing." i say honestly. i let my weight fall to the ground, sitting with my legs crossed.
"yeah?"
"i don't want just one day, and i think it's pretty unrealistic to put such pressure on us about the relationship. we've known each other for so long, cal. there's history, anybody could look at us and say we're in a real relationship and call the whole thing off. does that make sense?"
"yeah, yeah i guess it does."
"when can we talk to feldy?"
"tomorrow, i already organised it."
"okay." i nod, feeling tears brim at my eyes.

"so, i guess this is our last night together." he says, and i look up, meeting his eye.
"i guess it is." i try to force a smile but i just end up crying, looking back down so he doesn't notice.
"do you want to stay?"

i nod in response, feeling like im going to burst at the seams if i speak. i'm so tired. i'm so tired of fighting.

"come here." he says, holding out a hand.

i reach forward and quickly wipe my eyes with my other hand. he pulls me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me firmly. i rest my cheek on his shoulder, my nose just being tickled by his hair.

"we'll get through this, eves. i know we will." he says, rubbing my back.
"yeah." i sigh, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"you know you've always got me, i'm always here."
"we can't engage outside of business hours." i chuckle lightly.
"i'll get us some burner phones then, how about that?"
"that's actually not a bad idea." i chuckle again, smelling the cologne on his skin. the same one he's always worn.
"i'll pick them up tomorrow, then."
"thank you."
"the meeting with feldy is at 11 tomorrow."
"okay."

we stay in this position for a few minutes, holding each other. he slowly rocks me back and forth like a child, moving his hand up to hold the back of my head. i try to focus my breathing, holding in all my tears.

"do you feel like going for a swim in the pool?" he asks, but i shake my head.
"no, i just want to stay here a bit longer."
"okay, baby. okay."

/

i light a cigarette and look over at him cooking steaks on the barbecue. shirtless, hair still wet and his body glistening.
i caved to the pool, tension in his bedroom was too much to bare. i had needed the open space, the wind, trees and sunlight.

"still like yours medium?" he asks, looking over his shoulder to meet my eye.
"yes, please." i smile, taking a drag and putting my feet up on the coffee table.

our music plays on the speakers, his windchimes adding to it.

"should we watch a movie after dinner?" he suggests.
"sure." i say, resisting the urge to cry and hold him. knowing this is the last night we'll be able to safely be together.

i look down at the cigarette in my fingertips, how i quit these a few months after we broke up. i needed it for a while, i needed to destroy myself more somehow. i just didn't care.

"do you want to go grab some things from inside so we can out here? or do you want to sit inside?" he calls over the music and the sizzling of the steak.
"let's eat out here, it's a nice night."

i grab the cutlery, sauce and salad he'd made earlier. salt and pepper and everything as if the kitchen table was made for outside.

"good set up, well done." he gives me a sheepish smile.
"thanks for cooking." he sets my steak on my plate, and we dig in.

i watch as he chews, almost avoiding eye contact and shovelling too much into his mouth as usual. always quick to finish a meal, ready to get into the next thing. i take my time, enjoying the seasoning and the effort he put into this.

"what movie should we watch?" he asks.
"not a horror, hey?"
"worked out well for us last time, didn't it?"
"i don't think so." i chuckle, chewing and trying not to open my mouth.
"this is fucking good steak, i missed my own cooking." he laughs.
"i missed it too, this tastes just like dads." i laugh with him, knowing that it was my own dad that taught him how to cook steak properly.

cal's dad cooked us t-bone steaks one night, it was charcoaled and dry. since then, he's refused to eat bad steak. it had to be cooked perfectly, only flipped three times and at perfect intervals. my dad taught him this, and he's never forgotten.

"do you remember the steaks we would have in colorado?" i ask.
"mmm, of course," he chews, "but never as good as your dads. that man cooks the best steak i've ever had."
"i really don't know what he does to it to make it so good."
"he's got a secret seasoning."
"what?"
"did he never tell you about that?" he raises his eyebrows.
"no." i smile.
"it's this seasoning." cal uses his knife to point to the meat.
"no way, really?" i smile more. cal returns the grin, nodding.
"yeah! he gave me the recipe years ago."
"that cheeky old bastard! he never gave it to me!"
"well, you've never been able to cook steak evie."
"it's not that fucking hard."
"ehhh." he laughs, "you've gotta get the timing right."
"i do get it right."
"baby, remember that one time i let you cook them in colorado? it was still bloody. i asked for it well done."
"i timed it though, i did everything you told me to."
"maybe you're just not cut out to be a steak connoisseur then."
"i guess not then." i shrug, still smiling.

we finish eating, cleaning, sitting outside and having one last cigarette until our mouths are dry and tasteless.

"i really need to stop these." i say, my feet resting in his lap.
"yeah, me too. maybe we can quit together, when the contracts over." he smirks.
"don't bring it up." i sigh, looking out at the pool.
"hey," he rubs my shin, "it's gonna be okay. i promise."
"i've quit smoking before, i know."
"no, no, idiot. i mean the contract. we'll work it out."

i take a drag of my smoke, and that's answer enough for him.
"alright, should we maybe have a shower and watch this movie?"
"sounds good." i agree.