smile ; ch

thirty eight

calum

i brush evie's hair from her face, watching her breathe in and out just to make sure it's still occurring. her cheeks are rosy and there's tears dried on them. her eyes are shut and she's asleep, exhausted from the asthma attack.

she looks so exhausted in this moment, her body slumped into the pillow and messy hair.
i release my hand from her skull, letting go and moving from the bed. i need a drink, or a line, just something to get rid of this ache in my chest.

"cal?" she whispers, reaching out to grab my hand and her eyes meeting mine.
"hey, eves." i say, looking down at her.
"can you-" she starts to softly cry immediately, "can you stay, please?"
"yeah, baby, i'll stay." i sigh, moving back to the bed and climbing in. i can sense she wants to touch, and i want to as well, just to hold her, but neither one of us dares to move.

"how are you feeling?" i ask, we face each other and i move down more, our foreheads aligned.
"fine." she sniffles.
"can i get you anything?"
evie's eyes scrunch shut, tears falling out of them. i sigh, reaching over and holding her cheek in my palm.
"it's okay, it's okay." i try to soothe, but she shakes her head.
"it's not, i'm so sorry, calum."
"i know you are, i am too."
"i can't believe i said those things." her breath shakes.
"i've said worse." i brush my thumb along her cheek bone, "and you called me what i am, evie. i am a drug addict."
"you're not anymore, i completely invalidated all the hard work you've done lately to stay clean."
"yeah, you did, but we all fuck up. i know you didn't mean it."
"i'm sorry."
"do you want some more of your inhaler?"
"no." she shakes her head, reaching up to hold my hand in hers.
"okay, water?"
"stop being so nice, please. i don't deserve it."
"we've fought worse." i remind her, smiling slightly and pulling the blanket down from her face. "plus, i can't have you dying here, would be bad press." i try to joke but she doesn't laugh.
"i feel like i want to, this is the closest i've felt to losing you again."
"i'm not going anywhere." i tell her, leaning forward to kiss her forehead.
"we are so fucked up." she says, finally opening her eyes.

they're bloodshot green, dark and glassy.
"i'm a shitty person." she states.
"you're far better than i could ever be."

comfort floods between us, knowing that we both envy certain qualities in one another. i've always envied her gentleness and kindness, something i was ridiculed for as a child. whereas my need for control and firmness, is something she was taught wasn't ladylike. a balance, in some ways or another.

"cal, do you think in another life...we work out perfectly? a house, kids, a dog? white picket fence and home made dinners every night?"
"yeah, baby. you're always my endgame." i move closer to her, studying the freckles on her nose. this makes her cry harder.
"i don't want to lose you again." she sniffles, "i don't think i can bare it." for the first time in months, i see the rawness in her. this is what she's been feeling, and putting off saying for so long. "cal, i don't know who i am without you."

"you're the girl that has an asthma attack in the middle of an argument just to win it." i tell her.
she chuckles finally, "yeah."
"evie, you're the best kind of person there is. there's no one else in the whole world like you...there's nobody that makes me feel the way i do-" i move her hand to touch my chest, my heart, "the way you make me feel in here, no one can do that."

she meets my eye again, "why did you have to fuck someone else, cal?" she sighs, and i do too, knowing that's a wound that'll take forever to heal. and i have to own it, i created it.
"it was the biggest mistake of my life, i am so sorry." i kiss her fingertips.
"i wish i stayed, i wish i just fell to my knees and let you get away with it, back then."
"you did the right thing, evie. really hear me when you say that."
"i know, i know. i just wished we could've talked, i wish we could go back and fix it before it even happened."
"i wish i married you when we were 18." i joke, but i do mean it.
"are you saying you wouldn't have fucked another girl if we were married?" she chuckles.
i do too, "i just mean i wish i could have legally trapped you for a while."
"that's way better." she's warm against me.

i bring her closer and closer, cradling her like a child.
"how do i fix this?" i ask.
"i don't know, cal. i just want you to love me, again. just me. i miss the guy that i met, the one before the drugs."
"i know, i miss him too."

/

ashton pats my shoulder, "you're lookin good, bro."
"cheers, mate." i smile at him as he sits down.
"how are you feeling?"
"uh, fine, i guess." i shrug, taking a sip of my water.

evie left last night, she kissed me on the cheek and said she'd be back today but i haven't heard from her. i don't want to bother her, but i just want to call her.

"how's evie?"
"we had a huge fight yesterday." i say honestly.
"another?"
"yeah, we got this new contract from feldy and we just had it out. she had an asthma attack and yeah, it was just bad."
"fuck, is she okay?"
"i think so, i haven't heard from her today."
"are you okay?"
"not really, mate." i tell him honestly.
"what's she want to do?"
"i don't know man, it's just hard because we do wanna work on us but it fully defeats the purpose of the contract."
"feldy's probably just looking at it like it's free money for her, do you think?"
"no, i don't think he believes that. i think higher ups think so."
"well, look, as much as i wanna help evie too, i think its probably for the best."
"man, the contract was such bullshit though. only allowed to see each other like one contracted day a week, can't see each other romantically, she has to come on tour."
"one day a week?"
"yep, every saturday."

ashton scoffs in response, shaking his head.
"yeah, that's fucked."

my phone buzzes on the table, i pick it up immediately.
evie: hey, im sorry. i just finished seeing june. do u want me to come over still?
me: of course i do, how's june?
evie: stable. a bit better i guess...when can i come?
me: now? ashton's just here
evie: no worries, ill see u soon

"hey ash," i clear my throat, "evie's coming over now."