smile ; ch

fifty one

calum

i wipe my face with the towel, panting and sweating.
"it's good to have you back in here." luke says, setting down his last weight.
"i forgot how hard it is." we laugh.
"only way to fix that is to keep going." luke encourages.

although i'm hot and sweaty and my muscles ache like a burning fire, it does feel good. i've missed coming to the gym with the guys and us motivating each other until we're shaking.

"how's things, mate?"
"since i saw you last night?" i laugh, "fine, dude."
"you know what i mean." he picks up the next weight with a grunt.
"what do you want me to say?" i stretch out my shoulder. "shits hard."
"evie, or the detox?"
"i'm not going through detox, luke." i chuckle again at his lack of knowledge on the matter, but appreciating the effort.
"fuck, cal," he smiles, "you know what i'm trying to say."
"yeah, yeah, i do. it's hard, man. everything's hard without them."

luke nods in response, curling his bicep and his fingers turning white from the grip.
"have you thought about going back to your groups?"
"yeah, i have, but it doesn't help too much."
"what's stopping you from just going back to the drugs?"
"evie, this contract, tour, the album. everything. everything would fall apart if i went back to them."
"suppose that's motivating enough, hey?" luke drops the weight and leans back into the seat.

i sit down on the gym mat, my legs crossing and held up by my elbows.
"you'd like to think so." i admit.
"what, you still want to use?"
"every minute of every day, luke."
"how'd this even start?" luke shakes his head, "i feel responsible, cal. i feel like we all started this."
"no, no mate. it's no one's fault."
"so tell me, what made it change to just being something we did on a night out?"

i sigh and scratch my jaw, the feeling of discomfort flooding through me like a tidal wave, i hate talking about this.

"some guy offered me percocet one night and...and it just made me feel better than i ever have. nothing was wrong, nothing was my fault on them."
"percocet? jesus christ, cal."
"you asked the question."
"i know, i know. i'm not judging you, i just want to kill the guy that gave it to you."
i laugh, "yeah, 'spose sometimes i want to as well. or i just wish i had said no."
"yeah, that too."
"it doesn't matter, i'll be okay."

luke gives me a sympathetic smile, not being able to hold the eye contact just like i can't either.
"what are you gonna do for the rest of the day now?"
"meet up with evie. she had breakfast with ash down the road."
"oh?"
"yeah."
"he's been a bit off lately." luke stands and grabs his towel.
"what do you mean?"
"it's probably nothing, but he's just been worried about you two."
"why?"
"why do you think?"
"none of his business, really."
"oh cal, don't be so cruel." luke chuckles and starts to walk towards the exit, gesturing me to follow.
"what?"
"you know he cares about you two."
"you don't think it's too much sometimes?"

luke scrunches up his face in a shrug, holding onto his gym bag on his shoulder and sighing.
"i don't know man."

i stay silent, following him out the door and to our separate cars.

"see you tonight." he says as he gets into his car.
"huh?" i call out, but he's already moving away.

/

whatever evie had said brought ashton hysterics, almost doubling over and tears coming out of his eyes. evie laughs too, but not as hard.

i shift in my seat, putting my phone down and trying to return my attention to the two of them.

"god, i forgot i said that to her." ashton says.
"poor girl, just needed a date to the formal."
"the what?" i say.
"high school formal? you don't remember?" ashton responds.
"oh right. i'm so used to hearing it as prom here."
"that's fair." evie nods, holding my thigh under the table.
"do you remember our formal, cal?" ashton asks.
"no, not really. i remember evie's, though." i chuckle.

we showed up in her dads old holden ute, it was loud and obnoxious but jesus did we have fun. i remember us being inseparable all night, earning unfavourable stares from teachers about the age gap, my tattoos, my broken but medically untreated knuckle from a fight with my dad earlier in the day.

and the sex, god, the sex.

"what a night that was." evie's face blushes pink, and i chuckle.

"alright, well i think i better head off guys. i've got a few things to do before our big night tonight."
"huh?" i say.
"do you really not check the group chat or emails?"
"i haven't gotten anything."
"we've got some interview, i can't remember who with specifically but it's with MTV."
"fuck, really?"
"yeah, dude, press is gonna be amping up for the album."
"shit." i sigh, knowing that all i need to get through this is drugs.

/

"i don't even know what the fucking dress code is." i yell out to evie, who sits on my bedroom floor trying to piece her camera back together after she dropped it downstairs five minutes ago while i was in the shower.
"can you call feldy?" she asks, her voice not as harsh as mine.
she offers a logical solution, but it's not the point.
"he hasn't called me back since the last six times i've tried."

i pull my shorts on and walk out of the bathroom and see she's actually a complete wreck. legs splayed out, the camera in between them, and the more i look at the scene the quicker i realise that's the camera i had bought her when we were teenagers. her first camera.

"oh, no, eves." i say, crouching down beside her and taking the camera.
"careful." she hisses, trying to get it back.
"i can't break it any more than it already is."
"yes, you can. look how you're holding it!" she cries.
"calm down-"
"please give it back." she snatches, like a child, crying harder.
"let me try to fix it, please."
"you can't! you can't fix it, cal. just let me do it, please." she sniffles.

i lean back until im on the floor, realising this isn't just about the camera, she's broken something that's tied us together for such a long time. well, ive broken us.

she looks helpless, trying to fit the cracked lense into its port with the grooves smashed in.
"how did it even break?"
"i dropped it...i dropped it." her voice is shaky, "i can't believe i dropped it."
"it's okay, evie, it's just a camera."
"no it's not, cal. it's not just a camera to me."
"i'll get it fixed, i'll take it somewhere."
she shakes her head and puts the camera on the carpeted ground.
"they can't fix this."
"you gotta let them try."
"just-just call feldy, worry about yourself right now."
"come here." i pull her into a hug.
"please, please just get yourself figured out. i'll deal with this."
"are you gonna come to the thing?"
"do i need to?" her voice muffled into my shoulder.
"no...no you don't need to."
"no, like do i need to for the contract?" she pulls away and wipes her eyes.

i stay silent, holding her shoulders, she does need to come and i fucking hate this whole thing for that.