smile ; ch

twenty

evie

i watch as his hands shake, already taking the keys from him and opening the door myself. he gives me a small, quiet thank you and scratches the back of his neck.
"what's on your mind, honey?" i ask him.
"nothin, all good."
i push open his front door and he walks in after me.
"are you sure?"
"yeah." he sighs.

i raise a brow but don't push it, i gently place the keys on the table and watch as he strides past me into the kitchen.
he must know that i know, that i got rid of all the drugs he'd hidden away.
"do you want some food?"
"no, thanks." i reply.
"i'm gonna make some pop tarts or something."
"i haven't tried those before, any good?"
"not too bad." he says as he rips open a packet.

i watch as he shoves the pastry into the toaster and leans against the counter, not taking his eyes away from the tiled floor.
"you played really well tonight, cal." i say, moving closer to him.
"thanks." he says, quieter.
"are you sure there's nothing you wanna talk about?"
"i-i don't know." he scratches his neck again.

i approach him, taking slow steps and breathing as calm as i could.
"cal?" tell me, it won't be bad if you just tell me
"don't worry about it, okay?" he sighs, turning from leaning against the bench and walking to the fridge.
my heart starts to race, "have i done something?"

he stays silent.

"calum? answer me." i plead, moving closer to him now.
"no, no. no, okay?" he says, attitude in his tone.
i watch as he shakily tried to pour a juice, the liquid spilling outside of the cup. "for fucks sake." he groans.
"here, i'll do it."
"no! fuck, it's fine. i can do it." he snaps, slamming the juice down.

i'm bewildered by his tone.
"bub-"
"don't bub me, please. i really need you to just give me some space right now." he drops his head in between his shoulders, and presses his hands harder into the kitchen bench.

i take a step back, watching him breathe shakily. is it the drugs? or is it us?
"i don't want to leave you right now, what's going on? what's changed for you in the past hour?"
"evie, please-"
"paddy told us to express and im not judging-"
"fuck paddy. and fuck this whole thing." he says sharply.
"what?" my jaw drops.
"evie-"
"fuck this whole thing? huh?" i sass, the shock of his words hitting to my core. "how could i have possibly disappointed you this time?"
"i just can't do this right now, i need-i just need some space." he says quickly, turning away from the bench and going to move upstairs to his bedroom.
anger and rage fills my veins and i follow him, knowing exactly what he's going to get.
"you need your fucking pills? seriously? you've had the greatest fucking night - you made it on jimmy fallon's show and all you want is your pills?!" i yell, chasing him into his room like a lost puppy.
"just go, evie." he says, kneeling on his bedroom floor and searching for the baggie that i already found and flushed down the toilet 2 days ago.

i stood in the doorway, watching him scramble under his bed trying to find them.
"where the fuck are they, evie?" he yells.
i remain quiet, tears brimming at my eyes.
"you're sick, calum. you need help." i shake my head, and he climbs out from the bed and looks at me.
"what have you done?" he asks, anger evident in his tone.
"blame me. blame me like you always do, go on." yes i realise i'm gaslighting him.
"evie, what the fuck have you done?"
"this is pathetic, calum. you're wasting this-" i use my hands to gesture to us, "you're wasting what we've built for the past 2 weeks on what, a bag of temporary happiness? that shit isn't going to fix you, calum!"

he takes a strong stride forward, "and what?! you're going to fix me?" he seethes.
"i've been trying to for years." i look up at him, searching for something in his eyes. anything, anything other than this.

he doesn't say anything, but he breathes heavier, i can see his mind racing. desperate for the loss of control, desperate to not feel.
"make a decision right now, calum, and i mean it. for the last time. make a decision. i can stay here, i can look after you while you go through this. or i can go, i can tell you where they are but if you do that, you're losing me. forever. i will fucking rip the contract and hate you forever, this is the last time i do this." i shake my head, tears rolling down my face. his hands tremble.

he looks at me dead in the eyes and pauses, don't fuck this up, calum.
"where. are. my. pills?" he says, enunciating every word.

i hang my head, crying harder, knowing this man is sick and i will never be good enough.
i finally muster up the courage to look up at him,

"down the toilet, dissolved into LA's sewers."