To anyone who thinks you can live with your partner after you break up...you can't.
I thought I could do it. I thought I could put everything away from the relationship, I thought I could make it work. And for a while it seemed like it was. Or maybe it was just the beginning of the break up where you are both so desperately not trying to make it awkward because its easier to be civil and nice to each other than it is to admit that you don't want to be around them. I was fine, I was living my life I was doing what all 21 year old girls do when newly single. This didn't bode well for the ex. At the time it made her seem controlling and psychopathic. Like for fuck sake I wasn't allowed to have my phone off silent when I was in my own house. I wasn't allowed to leave the house after a certain time because she assumed I was fucking someone. Newsflash - I should have felt at peace in that house but instead, to find it, I had to leave it.
Part of me feels bad for how I began to treat you but honestly the more I think about it, the more I grew to hate you. The more I wished you weren't there. The more I wished I could leave. The more I just wanted to fucking run away. You became so fucking clingy it was ridiculous. How does one love you more after you break up rather than the whole relationship itself? Why is it any time she thought I was leaving is when she showed me the most love? I learnt that this was manipulation. It only happened time and time again. She only gave me when I wanted to see and hear after the threat of leaving was there.
Toward the end of us living together, neither of us wanted to be around the other. It was torture. We were so deeply poisonous for one another, all it took was one sly remark for one of us to be in a mood with the other. It's a hard thing you know...to be so in love with this person one day for you to simply feel exhausted being around them. I really tried to make it work, I thought I was doing the wrong things but because of lack of communication on both sides, it just wasn't. We had probably one of our biggest fights one night. One that left me scared for my safety and had me looking for houses the next day. I needed to leave.
It's a heart breaking thing. To think this was the girl I was going to marry. The girl I would eventually have a family with. The girl I would buy animals with. The girl I'd go to the ends of the earth for. To the girl that I barely even knew if we were friends. How can you love someone so much and be so present in their life for it to simply turn back into a blank map, trying to figure out the right turn to end up at your final destination. Were we friends? Strangers? Just simply 2 people trying to exist in the one home?
Moving out was the best thing I ever did. It absolutely broke my heart to leave, not only the nest we had created together, the nest that kept us both safe and sheltered, the nest that was once full of love but to leave her. 10 months of seeing her everyday to not seeing her was going to be a big transition. I don't think she quite understood how much it killed me. It may not have seemed like it, but it was something I had to do. I needed to leave. If I didn't, I never would have spoken to her again if I had to leave later down the line. We would have destroyed each other.
Sometimes I really miss her. I miss hearing her laugh or I go to do impressions I used to do to someone else and remember that it was an inside joke and probably not that funny. I miss always having a cuddle near by, even if we were shitty at each other. I miss the forehead kisses and the laughter from silly tik toks. I miss how much she appreciated the things I'd do for her. I miss just being lazy with her. I miss hearing her call me baby. God how I miss her calling me that. I miss her company. I think that's that's the biggest transition of all.
