It's been a year since it all started. Someone asked me how I'm not over it yet. Grief and loss doesnt have a timeline that you can easily manage. There is no roadmap to get through it faster. It hurts. Sometimes you think you're at the finish line and then everything comes back. I'm grieving the person I was before you. I cry in pain at the loss I feel whenever I look at myself in the mirror. You took parts of me I'm afraid will never return. How many scars did i have to justify to myself and to people around me, just because I loved the person holding the knife?
I ended up leaving because I finally realised after you left me for dead and I woke up alone in an empty ER room with bruises all over my body after being unconscious for 14 hours that I deserved better. A year later and my heart still breaks whenever I think about why you couldn't be better for me if you loved me as much as you claimed. I'm afraid that tiny part of me will love part of you forever and we will never be in the same room again.
The part of you that made me a mother again. The part of you that showed me kindness and fun when I needed it. The part of you that helped me get away from a chokehold of someone else I couldn't seem to escape. There's a quote someone once said that goes "If one day, you have a change of heart and you no longer love my daughter anymore, please don't hurt her. Just bring her back to me, please bring her back to me" and I wish you had of let me go when you decided you didn't want me anymore. I wish you didn't hurt me.
