I'm beginning to understand that the art of letting go isn't linear. It doesn't happen in a straight line. It doesn't happen quickly. It doesn't happen easily.
I think a lot of growth has to happen with letting go. You always brought me so much anxiety. Every time you were with someone else. Every time you spoke to another girl. Every time you hung out with one. Every time you came home late or sometimes not at all.
All these things made me want to die in a sense. The anxiety with it, it was so bad i could feel my heart breaking. all I could think about all the time was how you consistently chose someone else over me.
We got to a point of having the same argument over and over, every single time I tried to tell you how it was making me feel you shut me down and made me feel like I was the one to blame. I ended up apologising to you.
I couldn't live like this. I couldn't live in constant fear that you not being around was going to be permanent. I got help. I started a medication for my anxiety, it was my last resort...but i had to resort to it.
I'm on day 5 of this and you know what? I can see the change. You're still doing the same things you were, except instead of my stomach doing back flips and tying itself In knots, instead of being so angry all I can do is scream, instead of sweating and crying and heart palpitations, instead of throwing up my dinner and asking the universe why I wasn't good enough, instead of feeling abandoned and rejected, instead of all of that, I feel nothing. You talk to her and I don't care. You go out for the night and don't come home and I get cozy on the couch with a cup of tea and the dogs snuggled into me.
To me that's growth. Even if I needed help to get there. I will no longer give you the power to make me feel that way. I chose you, and you pushed me away. There will come a time where you will wonder if that was the right call, if choosing her was the best decision you could have made, and I will be living my life, free of your manipulation.
