Maybe i'll see you another time. When i am better for you and when you are better for me. When our worlds are less complicated. Maybe i'll see you another time and we'll get a real good look at each other and melt back into each other, returning home. You can try and aggressively rip out the emptiness. I have tried creating explosions within me from a place of numb. How can you miss someone you never met? How can i feel so empty from where you once were when i didn't even know you were there?
I wonder what your name would have been. I wonder if you would have been born with hair. What colour eyes you would have been born with. If you would have looked like me or like him. I avoid looking at my baby photos, afraid that i'll see your reflection looking back at me. There is a deafening silence when i think back on what could have been. What your life would have looked like. How we would have coped with you in our lives. How your first birthday would have gone, with all the people we love surrounding you. There are endless thoughts of your life. You have no idea of the amazing things you were made to do. Endless possibilities, if only i had what it took to keep you safe.
But instead, I gave birth to a blood filled toilet bowl. The pain that escaped me was unbearable. The pain once we realised what had happened was indescribable. I still didn't know it was you. I am haunted by that small little bathroom. The small white bin in the corner that held you, on tampons and pads, thrown away like trash. I didn't know you were there. I didn't know. It was 3 days after the initial passing that we knew you were there. I cried harder than I ever have before. How could i not have known you were there, sweet pea? I'm sorry i failed you. I'm sorry i couldn't keep you safe. You weren't with me for long but there lies a gaping hole in my womb. I would have walked through hell, if i knew it meant you would stay. I would have crossed the stars to keep you in my life, but now what remains is the constant reminder that you were once in this broken shell of a woman, in a broken womb, just a broken baby.
-I couldn't keep you safe
