Sometimes I wished it had of killed me. Sometimes I wish I didn't survive what you did to me. The pain I feel every day right before I sleep. The pain I feel when I'm thinking about the girl that I was when I was with you. The pain I feel when I think about the fact that we would have been parents had things gone differently. The pain I feel when i think about how quickly everything seemed to be set alight.
Sometimes I sit here and wonder how much easier it would have been if I hadn't of made it through those weeks in the hospital room that you put me in. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened. How my family would have made you pay for what you did, because lord knows that I don't have the strength for that. It's sad really...the one I would have taken a bullet for, inevitably ended up being the one to pull the trigger. My nights are consumed with the thoughts on how I wanted us to be but on why we couldn't be. You will always be the hardest lesson I ever had to learn. I think of you and all there is, is pain. Trapped somewhere between wanting to forget and wanting to hold on. I tried so hard. You know that right? I tried harder than you could ever begin to imagine.
But now here I am trying my best to forget everything. To forget how you smelt. To forget how it felt to look into your eyes. To forget how it felt to be in your arms. But I can still feel you, and part of me thinks I always will. Like I'm branded by you in the worst possible way. My heart broke the day I saw you look at her the way that I looked at you. Now there's parts of me that will never be the same anymore.
- you ruined me more than you could ever understand.
