I grieve you like you are no longer on this earth. I grieve you like you were taken from me.
I just need the pain to be gone. The worst part about loving someone is the day you lose them. Thinking back I can't even recall when I did first lose you. It was masked so well that I barely even knew it had happened. I think I was in denial. I was in love with you. You were my happiness. You were the reason i was excited to get out of bed. You were my laughter. You were my everything. I couldn't imagine my life without you. When i found you i thought this was it. I thought perhaps you were my one. That maybe we'd spend our lives together. But now I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I feel guilty for being sad. I feel guilty that part of me misses you.
Sometimes when looking for something else I'll come across photos of us together and my heart breaks. My throat forms a lump. My eyes well up with tears. My stomach drops. I looked so happy. There was a sparkle in my eyes. There was hope. There was acceptance. There was wholeness. Somewhere along the line it just got ripped from under me. Our normal disappeared. Something changed with us before it even was set in stone. We changed before I even realised. We ended before I even got the chance to say goodbye. I can't remember what our last moments were like, I can't remember when I last saw your face, when i last kissed you, when you last wrapped your arms around me and called me baby, I can't remember.
Someone once said "the thing you are most afraid to write, write about that. Write clear and hard about what hurts." so here I am. Bearing my vulnerability on this page. Perhaps im finally processing it. Maybe im healing from it. I didn't want to be loved in shades of grey, in half measures. I wanted to be loved in black or white, in cups not spoons. Either you love me completely or not at all. I never wanted to love someone who treated me like i was ordinary.
Damaged people are dangerous. I have come to learn that they make hell seem like home. And the problem being i loved you so much that I let you drag me to hell, just so i could hold your hand on the way down. You once told me forever. Who knew that forever meant 182 days, 6 hours, 22 minutes and 7 seconds. For 182 days I set myself on fire just to keep you warm. It's a horrible realisation you come to when you realise you need to walk away. The hardest thing I've done was walk away from you whilst you still held my whole heart. The worst way you can love someone is in silence. Silence was your goodbye. I have no need for revenge. I am no longer yours, and that is punishment enough.
I've been trying to work out how we ended up here. How did we go from talking about weddings, calling each other the one, leaving each other love notes, being insperable to being strangers? Where did it change because I have hopelessly been looking back trying to pin point the moment in time when I was no longer the girl you pictured your future with. It's a daunting feeling...to face your future without the person you planned it with.
Everyone tells me it's his loss. But he's the one who decided to walk in the other direction. It's no loss to him. But me? Part of me felt like it died. I lost every kiss we ever shared. Every hug we ever had. Every hand we ever held. Every beautiful moment we shared was now tainted. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be if we had never met. If we had never met in this life time. If we had never memorised the curve of each other's faces , who would I be if I had never held your hand. Who would I be if I had never been loved by you. Who would I be if I had never loved you. The fucked up thing is, there was a moment when i could feel my own heart breaking, and yet I was still willing to love the one who broke it. Everyday since has been engulfed with the goodbye we did not get to say.
- I wanted to be what you needed so bad that i forgot how to be what I needed.
