My encounter with Rylan had me doing some self evaluation. I had realized that all these years I had been using different men to fill the void he left when he disappeared out my life. Using sex and having control over the situation as a distraction from what I truly felt. I felt that we had acknowledged all of the feelings we needed to address, and I was tired of running. For nine years I've been afraid of getting close to another man like I once was with Rylan. I slipped up briefly my first year of college with Rashad and vowed to never do that shit again. Now here I was, ready and willing to my put my big girl panties on, and stop running from what was meant for me.
Coming out of the gym he gave me an unreadable look.
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"Hey." I said shyly. "What are you doing here?" He asked me. "I was hoping we could talk." I said playing with my nails. "Came all the way to Austin to talk? Why didn't you just call? Oh yeah that's right you have me blocked." He said walking past me. "Josiah." I said, catching up with him I stood in front of him. "If you just let me explain, I will explain it all." I said. And silence fell between us. "I'm headed to the crib. You're welcome to follow me there." He said walking past me again.
Walking across the parking lot, I got in my car. Following behind Josiah closely as we headed along the Austin interstates to his apartment. My heart raced on the drive there as I thought about how he could deny me. Tell me he wasn't interested. I was afraid of rejection. But I was ready for whatever he had for me. And after all, I deserved whatever.
Pulling up to the apartment, I followed behind him as we silently walked to his unit. Going inside he threw his keys down on the kitchen counter turning to me. "You know you have a lot of nerve. I went all out for you Fallon. To show you I was a good guy with good intentions and you left without a word. Blocked me. You showed me what I meant to you which was absolutely nothing, and I don't want to hear---" He ranted. As I stood on my tippy toes kissing him. Kissing me back he wrapped his arms around my waist, making sure to take a handful of my ass. Pulling apart I stood normal. "I'm sorry." I said. "Mmhm go on." He said looking down at me. "I would like to explain everything if you would just let me." I said. Walking to the couch he took a seat patting the spot next to him.
"I'm ready." He said. "I'm telling you this hoping that we could move forward and that you won't hold any of this against me. But if it's something you find that you just aren't willing to look past, I'm saying in advance I understand and I respect it." I rambled. "You're rambling. You have my undivided attention. Talk to me." He said. "Okay where do I begin? When I was young I had a boyfriend. I thought I loved him. But I lost my virginity to someone else who I knew I loved. He found out on homecoming night and raped me. Unfortunately for him a few months later, he was killed." I said. "Did the guy you loved and lost your virginity to have anything to do with your boyfriends death?" He asked. "No." I lied. I know I was starting out on the wrong foot by lying but I would never forgive myself if I incriminated Rylan. "Okay continue." Josiah said. "The guy I loved ended up moving across the country, and I didn't see him again until nine years later." I semi told the truth. "But before I saw him again, I had met someone in college. An older guy. We had sex the first time we met, which for me was the first time I'd had sex since I had been raped. It was so important to me. It was like reclaiming my life. So we were just suppose to be a one night stand but I found myself obsessing over him. Well long story short he had a daughter and was in a committed relationship with her mother which at the time I didn't know. I kind of found out the night I met you. I was heartbroken." I said. "But when I met you, as you know we kept seeing each other and then we eventually grew close. And I really liked you Josiah but I was afraid to go through the same thing again." I admitted. "But I don't sound like any of these niggas. I would never do you like that." He said. "And this is true but I didn't care. So I started also seeing another guy I took classes with. Entertaining both of you at the same time. I kept going back to the older guy for oral sex even though--" "Even though you told me you were abstinent?" He asked me cutting me. "Yes." I confessed. "Anyways, and as I got into adulthood I met another guy at a club and started to entertain him too." "Wow Fallon. Four niggas huh? You're unbelievable." He said shaking his head. "Yes but the night I came here and we shared together I knew the feelings I had for you were deeper than I had for any of them. But I still wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship. That's why I blocked you. Then I saw the childhood guy not long enough, and I thought that I couldn't commit because I was waiting on him. Waiting on the day we would see each other again. And I would feel complete again. He would be the one for me but that wasn't the case. It actually was the closure I needed. And it helped me to realize I've wasting my time all these years. And the one for me has been here all along. And that's you Josiah. And I'm sorry we had to go through all this and it took so long to realize it but I am certain that I am ready now." I said finally letting out a breath.
"You're certain huh?" He asked. "Yes Josiah I'm certain." "So you're telling me right now, that you're ready to explore a serious committed relationship with me and only me. No other niggas?" He asked. "Yes." I expressed. Looking at me for a minute, he leaned over pulling me into his lap. Using his hands he took me by the sides of my face kissing me. "Damn Fallon you don't know how long I've waited to hear those words." He said kissing me again. Smiling against his lips, I kissed him back. This felt right. This is what I wanted. I just hoped it all worked out in the end for us.
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