The stories in my flesh (Sequel to scars)

Part 45

I walk in the apartment and slam the door, Nick is in the living room and he turns around as I walk to my room. "Sydney?" He gets up and starts to follow me. "Leave me alone!" I scream wiping my tears. "Sydney. Why- why are you crying?" He pulls my arm and turns me around. "Let me go!" I scream trying to pull away but he doesn't let go. I feel like a little kid trying to get away from a grip.

"Tell me what's wrong, please. I don't like to see you cry." For a second I collapse on his arms and cry on his chest even though it's his fault, but I need somebody. I feel so alone in this big world, I need so warmth, I need some love in this big cruel world.

~
"Are you still not going to talk to me?" Nick asks. We are near the end of our shift and I'm sitting down on a table, he sits in front of me but I keep staring down at the table. My eyes are terribly itchy and swollen from crying. Some people go days, months, years without crying and it seems like I cry every week. I'm just tired of living this way. "Sydney." I look up to see him, "I don't want to talk."

"But I need to-" I interrupt him, "I don't want to talk." He looks down at the table and then at me. "Don't push me away." His voice comes out like a whisper and for the first time ever Nick looks vulnerable. It scares ms honestly because Nick is Nick. And Nick isn't vulnerable, Nick doesn't feel any pain, Nick is unbreakable.

"Do you really want to make this better Nick? Do you really want to make my pain go away?" He nods. "Talk to Anthony, explain to him what happened." He stays quiet for a couple seconds. "Okay, if that makes you happy I will do it." He goes back to the cash register and I start to feel a little hope in me.

I go to the bathroom and try to fix myself, if we are going to go see Anthony I at least need to look decent. What if he doesn't want to talk to me? What if he hates me? His words keep booming in my head, I will never forget the look on his face. He looked betrayed, he looked in so much pain. And when he held me and begged me do deny it, I fell apart.

I open the sink water and start to wash my face. The water is cold and I shiver, I hear the door open and I immediately think it's Alice. "Could you hand me some paper towels?" I say with my eyes still closed tight. I can feel her behind me but she doesn't move. "Alice?" I say, still no answer. "Alice jus-" I reach my hand and I feel her shirt. But it's not a uniform. I start to panic and open my eyes, some water drops enter my eyes and I freak out when I see Brittney Hollingsworth standing behind me.

I rub my eyes feeling fear beginning to grow, I shouldn't be afraid of her but I am. It's like being in front of a cobra, she looks at you with those vicious blue eyes. They're so pale blue I can see right through them, I can see her icy soul.

"Aren't you glad to see me?" She grins, she must've seen fear in my eyes because her grin gets bigger. "What happened? Did the mice eat your tongue?" I remember how she used to say that to me. "Don't you know how to talk?" My knees begin to tremble and I try to look a little confident.

"What do you want?" I try to make my voice sound big and rough but it doesn't come out that way. She laughs, "Umm hello? This is the bathroom if you didn't know, you're not the only one allowed here." She stands beside me and opens up her makeup purse. She stares at my reflection through the mirror, "Aren't you lucky," she begins applying blush in her cheeks even though she doesn't need it because her cheeks already look exaggeratedly pink.

"I mean you leave for three years, abandon Anthony come back and you still get to be with him." She chuckles, "That's true luck right there. Why did you leave anyways? You know I heard rumors you were pregnant and that's why you left, you do need to still loose some pounds from that baby cause you're a little big." She emphasizes the word big and then she feels her perfectly plain stomach that's showing.

"I was never pregnant." I say coldly, "Hmm. I guess you're just fat." She smirks and I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I've been called ugly and I've been called all spray of things before but I've never been called fat. "You could always just starve and maybe stop gaining pounds, you know what would be better though?" I turn around and walk to the door but before I can open it she puts her hand on the door knob so I can't open it.

Her eyes meet mine and I make eye contact so she won't see or feel how intimidated I am right now. "To just go ahead and kill yourself, you've already tried it before so why not do it again? This time you might actually succeed." She stands in front of me and takes out something out of her bag, my heart races as I see a shiny razor in her hand.

She moves it around, "Do you recognize this? Oh! Silly me of course you recognize it, you're a self cutting freak." She chuckles and I try to stop myself from looking at the razor because I don't want to seem weak. "Here take it, you know you want to feel it against your skin again." She stretches her hand holding the razor but I don't take it.

She then grabs my hand and she keeps swirling it in the air, as she continues to twirl it cuts my finger. I wince and gasp as I feel it alice through my skin. Brittney grins, a happy victorious grin because she knows she's won. She knows she's found my weak spot. As soon as she puts it in my palm she walks out chuckling.

A red blood drop drips onto my hand and drips on the razor she gave me. I start to feel all shaky. It only took a small cut on my finger and to get this addiction alive again. This addiction to cut, to feel something. I wipe the blood on my finger on a paper towel and I know I shouldn't but I wrap up the razor on paper towels and stick it in my pocket.

"What took you so long?" Nick says as I walk out the cafe. "No-nothing." I say still feeling shaky everywhere. "What happened to your finger?" He says holding it, another drop of blood drips and I quickly wipe it on my pants because that drop of blood is a reminder that I am weak. I should've threw the razor away but I didn't.

~

We're right outside the building, I get out and Nick is about to get out too. "No, I want to talk to him first." He nods and he looks unsure but he stays there.

I knock on Anthony's door, my heart is in my throat and I chew on my bottom lip. He opens the door and I have to hold my breath, he looks at me and I see pain on his face. "Anthony I need to talk to you." I whisper, "Not now." He says. He's about to close the door but I stop him, "When?"

He shrugs. "Do you hate me?" I ask feeling my chest tighten.

"I don't hate, I swear. It just hurts too much to be around you right now."