The stories in my flesh (Sequel to scars)

Part 46

Note; Sorry there's typos sometimes I sometimes don't notice them D:

"Sydney, get up. You can't keep on like this." Nick moves me and I lay there on the bed not moving. "I really don't want to get up." I whisper, "You've been like this for days. You just can't keep on living like this. You barely eat, and all you do is cry and lay down." He looks down at me but I close my eyes. "I just feel down."

"I felt like that a few weeks ago." He says. And then it comes back to me, all those times Nick would just stare at nothing and he would just not be himself. Why didn't I ask? How was I so selfish? I open my eyes and look at him, "Were you depressed?" I ask, he shrugs. "I guess. I felt blue. I think it's because I haven't taken my depression pills for a long time." Depression?

"You have depression?" I ask surprised. Anger problems and cutting are different from depression... Right? "Yeah. Well at least that's what my doctor said. He said I needed to take pills could it could eventually come back and hit me hard. Apparently my depression was really bad."

"But Nick, you haven't taken those pills since we left the hospital-" he interrupts me. "Actually I never took them at all. Not even when I was in the hospital. I would flush them down the toilet or simply throw them away."

"I remember they made me took those pills but they made me feel weird and I had many side effects. That bothered me." I say remembering all the vomiting and sleepiness caused by the pills. "Exactly, and I also didn't want to be put in medication. I felt like a freak- like a psycho. I mean I was put in a hospital and I had to wear white, I was watched at all times and almost every hour they would give me pills. Pills for everything. For anger, for depression, for anxiety- they wanted to fix everything with medication. The only ones I actually took were the sleeping pills because they would help me forget. And fall in deep sleep."

Wow. I never knew he felt like that. "Are you okay now?" I ask, he shrugs. "I don't know am I?" I raise an eyebrow, "What?"

"If you're okay, I'm okay. If you're not okay, I'm not okay. So you tell me, am I okay?" I look at his face, there's some dark circles under his eyes, his lips look a dry and he looks a little pale. Almost like he looked weeks ago. I start to feel worry build up inside me. "I'm okay." I say because I fear that he's not going to be okay if I'm not okay.

"Alright good. Now let's go to work." I wish I didn't have to get up, I wish I could just lay here. But I can't do that to Nick, I can't let him pay the bills and work by himself. I also can't worry him because that's not fair for him.

He gives me time to change. As I get dressed I look down at my thighs, my scars are fading and Im afraid I'll feel completely lost without them. Why am I thinking about this? The razor Brittney gave me is under my bed wrapped still wrapped up in the paper towel. Why does it feel like I'm going back to those times?

On the way to the cafe, this little doubt inside me is bothering me. "Hey, Nick?" He turns to face me. "Yeah?"

"What does depression feel like?" The doctors said I had depression but I don't know how to explain depression. "It's like you're drowning but everybody else is breathing fine." And that's a perfect example because it's how it feels.

~
"Sydney, you look sad. What's wrong?" Alice asks. Throughout the day she has tried to talk to me but my answers were short. I swear I'm trying but I just don't want to talk. At all. "Nothing, I'm fine." I say with a fake smile. She puts her hands in her hips. "You and I both know that's not true."

I look down at the floor. "How do you known huh?" She sighs "Because I've faked a smile before." I look at her, it's still hard to believe Alice Fletcher isn't so happy as I thought she'd be. "I'm just tired."

"Or you don't want to talk about it." She says, how does she do that? Can she read my mind? "Hey it's fine, no worries, you don't have to tell me I understand some things you just want to keep to yourself." Shes so understanding, how was she ever friends with Brittney? She walks away and on the way she bumps into Nick. He smiles at her and she smiles back, it's obvious she likes him.

I walk outside the cafe to get some fresh air. Minutes later Nick walks out too, he sits next to me on the ground. "What are you doing here?" He asks sitting next to me. "Nothing, just getting fresh air." I say. He stares up at the sky.

"Do you like Alice?" I don't even know why I even asked that. "Alice? Like that Alice? Your friend Alice?" It sounds weird when he says that Alice is my friend. "Yeah." I say, he looks confused. "Well of course I like Alice. She's nice, why wouldn't I like her?"

"No, not like that. I mean like her like her, like a girlfriend." His eyes widen, "No. Why would you think that?" He tilts his head like he's trying to understand or comprehend. "She's beautiful."

"So are you." He says and I gasp. "What? It's true." He says. I look down feeling heat coming to my face. I get up to walk back inside. "Did I make you uncomfortable? If I did I'm sorry." He says. "No, no, it's - it's fine." The wind blows to my face and my wild hair gets everywhere. He fixes it and puts it behind my ear.

Nick looks behind me and he stops touching my hair. "Someones here to see you." Nick says, I turn around and see Anthony walking to us. Anthony!

"Anthony." I say, "Yep. That's him." Nick turns around but then Anthony speaks, "No I want you to stay. I need to talk to you too."