The stories in my flesh (Sequel to scars)

Part 5

When I try to get up from my bed I have to sit back down because I'm feeling extremely dizzy, it's one of the side effects of the pill. I don't know what time it is because my vision is blurry. I finally seem to feel a little better and I see its 7:30 a.m. Henry told me breakfast would be at 8:00 a.m, so I start to get ready. I still wear a long sleeve shirt under my dress because I don't want anybody to see my bandages.
~

After breakfast we have an hour to "relax" before we start with our group/ individual therapy process thing. As I'm about to walk in my room Dr. Smith stops me, "May I talk to you Sydney?" Oh not again. I follow her to her office and sit down when we get there. "How are you feeling, Sydney?" She asks. I focus on the clock behind her desk because I can't look her in the eye, I don't want to. "Good." I say staring at the clock. It's making this tick tock, tick tock, noise. "Did you have any side effects from the depression pills?" She asks. Tick tock, tick tock, tick toc- "Yeah." I can hear her writing down something, "What was it?" Tick tock, tick to- "I felt dizzy."

"Was that it?" She asks, tick tock, I nod. "Now tell me, are you feeling any different? Are the pills helping at all?" Tick toc- I shrug. "Sydney," tick to- "Sydney, look at me." I slowly move my focus from the clock to her face. She looks concerned. "What's wrong? Do you not feel good?" She lowers her voice, "I feel alright." I say. "Are you sure?" I nod, "Hows everything with the people here? Are you making any friends?" I stare at her for what seems like ever, "I don't belong here." I finally say and I can't believe I just said it. Her eyebrows raise, "What do you mean you don't belong here?" She emphasizes here. I shrug again, I shouldn't have said it.

She sighs, "Sydney, listen. I'm trying my best to help. Why won't you let me in?" Goodness, how many questions can this woman ask? "I'm just .. Not ready." I tell her so she'll stop asking me questions. "Okay, but can I ask one more thing?" Already did. "Yes." She takes out the piece of paper I wrote in that "class". "Who is he?" I stare at the piece of paper, I wish I hadn't written that. "Doctor Smith, I already told you I'm not ready. I don't want to talk about it." She nods her head, "Very well, okay Sydney. I'm willing to wait for you to open up. Oh and by the way Henry is going to check your," she points to my wrists. "Your wrists, you know just to make sure that it doesn't get infected." What she really meant was, 'Hes going to check your wrists to make sure you haven't tried to cut anymore.' How pathetic. She should just tell me straight up. She turns around to put the papers back in her cabinet and I notice she has some paper clips in her desk, I take one and put it in my mouth. "You may go now." She says turning back around, I get up and leave.

As soon as I get to my room I take the paper clip out of my mouth and put it under my pillow. About fifteen minutes later theres a knock on my door, "Ms. Williams." Henry. Another knock, "May I come in?" I sit up from my bed, "Yes." Henry walks in with bandages, wipes, and a bottle of pills. "I'm here to check your, uh, wrists." I roll up my sleeves, his fingers are cold and he unwraps the bandages on both hands. When he sees the cuts he inhales sharply, he stares at them for about two minutes. "So many." He says, I look at him and his cheeks redden.

Technically that's not true. It's not many cuts, five in total. Three big ones and two smallish ones. "I'm going to put these wipes on them, it might burn or sting a little." He says opening up a pack of wipes. He then runs the wipes through the cuts and I wince and close my eyes because it stings so bad. "I'm sorry, Ms. Williams." He says. When he's done he wraps them up in new bandages, he then gives me two pills and a bottle of water. I'm waiting for him to leave but he doesn't, "The doctor told me to stay here to wait until you drink them." Unbelievable. Does the doctor don't trust me? I take the pills and drink some water, he waits until I swallow and then he leaves.

The pills make me feel numb and empty. Is this how it's suppose to feel? Because it doesn't feel good. I take the paper clip from under my pillow and sit on the floor beside the bed, I unfold the paper clip until it's pointy. My legs are shaking as I pull up my dress, I put tip of the paper clip in my thigh. My heart starts to speed up, don't do this Sydney, don't. I press it hard and run it across my thigh, it makes a puffy scracth on my thigh. At first it doesn't bleed, so I do it again. Harder. The blood starts to drip. Tear after tear falls from my eyes. I keep doing it over and over until I cry more because I just need to feel. I can't stand feeling numb and empty. I need to feel something.

Even if it's pain.