The stories in my flesh (Sequel to scars)

Part 55

March 4, 2015
I think I'm back in that dark place. And I can't get out.

March 15, 2015
I get the urge to take take all my sleeping pills and never wake up. I feel hopeless and empty inside. Sydney tries to talk to me but I'm not in the mood. It's my mood that makes me go crazy. I don't know how to control it.

March 23, 2015
Everyday I feel more and more lost. Everyday I fight to get out of bed and fake that I'm okay. I honestly don't think I can make it. Not with these feelings.. Not with these thoughts.

April 3, 2015
I think I'm doing better. I think I can make it out of this dark place.
... I think I'm lying to myself.

April 10, 2015
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so alone. I think these feelings for Sydney are getting stronger. And it hurts to know that she doesn't feel the same way.

April 20, 2015
Sydney said she wanted to die today. It broke me to pieces. She can't feel that way - she can't feel the same way I do.

April 23, 2015
I'm giving up, on life and on breathing.

I flip the page horrified and with tears on my eyes. The rest on the pages are blank and I feel my chest tighten so bad it hurts. Nick, oh Nick. How come I didn't notice he was going through this? How come I've missed it? I know the "dark place" he talks about is depression. He is depressed, that's why he sometimes pushes me away.

I quickly run to the phone and dial Nicks number. He doesn't answer. He should still be home. I feel my heart beating out of my chest and I start to cry. No, no, maybe I'm making things worse. I need to stop thinking so many negative things. Nick is fine, right? He will be fine.

I call three more times and on the fourth time I give up. "Anthony!" I knock on the bathroom door. He's already out the shower because I can't hear the water running. "Yes?" I hear his voice panic. "Take me to my apartment, please! Now!"

"Sydney, what's- what's wrong?" He quickly opens the door and I notice he's not wearing a shirt and his chest is wet. He looks at me worried, "It's Nick. I don't think he's okay! I read his journal and he said horrible things, he said he wanted to die and that he was giving up. Anthony you have to take me to him right now- please I need-"

"Woah, Sydney calm down. Slow down I can barely understand, let me just put on a shirt and I'll take you." I wipe my tears but it's useless because I keep crying. "Hurry please." I sob. He quickly puts on a shirt and grabs his keys. I follow him behind to his car.

"Why do you think he's not okay?" He asks, "I called the apartment. He won't pick up, he should still be home." Anthony grabs my hand, "It's okay Sydney. Maybe he's still sleeping don't worry." I shake my head while crying, "No. I know he's not- I feel like something's wrong. Oh God."

"Sydney it's not good to worry. That won't help in any way. It's okay Sydney, just please calm down." I wipe my tears and close my eyes. My head is pounding and I want to scream at myself. Those days that Nick was acting distant . . . He was feeling alone and he was having thoughts about killing himself and I was so selfish, how come I didn't realize? I was too busy worrying about myself that I never paid attention to his feelings.

As soon as we see sirens outside the building Anthony looks at me concerned. I freeze sitting there watching police cars everywhere and tons of people gathered around. I feel no tears coming but I feel like in dying inside. I get out the car and walk slowly to the sirens, Anthony is behind me.

There's yellow tape indicating an accident. A car is there and I see the driver talking to he police, "I swear I didn't see him. And I tried to stop but he didn't move out the way. Instead he opened his arms and waited for me to hit him. I tried to stop I swear I did." I try to see who's on the floor but the crowd of people won't let me. I push past them and I see Nick on the floor. There's blood coming out of his mouth, and his eyes are closed. I want to scream but no noise comes out. The police man tells me to back off but I push him and kneel in front of Nick. "He's okay right?" I say my eyes filling with tears. The police man grabs me and pills me away and that's when I scream as loud as I can. Anthony grabs me and I elbow him, "Nick! No!" I fall to the floor and Anthony hugs me from behind as I cry.

No. This can't be happening.