Just love me

Right person, wrong time

The cruise is almost over. Two days before the end, you guys decide to talk about all that. You ask Payton to go to the restaurant to talk about it. He says yes, so you go out for dinner.

You guy start eating, you are pretty quiet at first but then you bring up the subject.
You : « well... Payton.. »
Payton : « I'm sorry »
You : « for what ? »
Payton : « for the last time »
You : « ..it's okay »
Payton : « ..and for getting further away like that, but... »
You : « but ? »
Payton : « I needed to think a little bit, like, idk, it's so confusing in my head »
You : « yeah I know... I'm kinda lost lately too »
There is a little silence.
You : « I'm scared actually... »
Payton : « ...of what ? »
You : « letting go, idk »
Payton : « ..yeah, same »
You : « I know »
You : « I'm scared because I feel too attached to you and I need to be reassured about some things, ...because of Matt probably.. and you can not do that.. like, I know you love me, I can feel it, but you never open up to me... and it's so hard for me to deal with that because I need to hear things that you've probably never said in your life, you know what I mean ? »
Payton : « I know yeah... I've never been in a relationship before you and.. what I'm feeling rn is as pleasurable as it is terrifying for me.. it's really frustrating I swear »
You : « I understand... I feel that way too.. besides, I'm aware that I'm not as open as I used to be, and it doesn't help you, I know... »
Payton : « yeah.. but idk what I like better, because if you open up to me it's going to make me uncomfortable because I can't tell you back... »
You : « yeah... I get it.. » tears in the eyes, sad but at the same time feeling sorry for him.
Payton : « y/n... »
You : « but I need to hear it... » :

Payton looks at you kind of helpless and sad. He hates seeing you like this.
You : « I know you love me, but.. tell me... because... I love you, so much... » wiping away a tear that rolls down your cheek.
Payton : « ...I can't.. »
You look him in the eyes, desperate, still hoping :

Payton : « I'm sorry... » tears in the eyes.
You look away, trying not to cry more.
You : « Payton, listen, ...we may not be ready... »
Payton : « no y/n- »
You : « you're not gonna force yourself, I don't want to.. and I'm not gonna pretend that everything's okay when everything's literally so confused in my head... I'm so lost and what happened with Matt is still there in my mind.. »
You : « I hate behaving like this, I swear. And I can see that it makes you upset, and you're right but.. I can't help it.. I'm maybe not ready yet. It all happened so fast »
Payton : « don't do that.. »
You : « but I'm not doing anything, I'm just telling you that.. maybe it just isn't our time... it's your first relationship, and I've been-... cheated on not long ago »
There is a little silence.
Payton : « you're breaking up with me, aren't you ? »
You : « no.. I'm not »
You : « ...people break up when there's no more love, right ? »
Payton : « or when the relationship doesn't work.. like us... »
You : « I don't wanna break up with you.. it sounds like we'll never see each other again... »
Payton : « so what do we do ?.. »
You : « ...we can take a break.. » not well.
Payton : « a break ? »
You : « yeah... we go back home, we take time for ourselves, to think about it all, and.. we see if we miss each other »
You : « I think we need to be alone, each on our own... »
Payton looks away, sad. You notice that his eyes are shining, as if he is going to cry. It hurts you to see him like this, so you hold back from crying.
Payton : « our relationship is already so confusing, a break is even more confusing.. »
You : « you wanna break up ? »
Payton : « no- I mean, maybe it's better. Like, if we're meant to get back together we will yk »
You : « ..okay... » not well at all.
Payton : « I'm really sorry.. »
You : « it's probably better this way... I'm tired of this situation where we ignore each other, we can't keep pretending... »
Payton : « yeah I know... » sad but agree with you.

After that, you decide to leave the restaurant. You go back to your rooms. You go straight to yours and close the door. Then you burst into tears. You are so sad and angry at yourself. You realize that your relationships never work out, so you can not help but think that you are the problem.

On Payton's side :
He goes to his room, the guys are not there. Once alone, he gets really tense and mad at himself.
Payton : « fuck. » frustrated.
He can not calm down, so he decides to go get some fresh air. He goes outside and sits on your bench. He looks into the distance, clenching his teeth, tears in the eyes. He thinks he is so stupid. He really loves you, so why is it so hard to tell you and open up to you.
After a while, he goes back to his room. The guys are there this time.
Chase : « so ? »
Payton : « I don't wanna talk about it. » going into the bathroom.
Josh looks at Chase, clenching his teeth.

On your side :
The girls, who were talking and chilling, hear you coming back, so they rush to the door.
Talia : « y/n... omg what's wrong ? »
You are still crying.
Madi : « bby... » coming to give you a hug.
She helps you up.
Talia : « y/n, what happened ? » looking at you a bit worried and sad for you.
You : « we broke up... » wiping away your tears.
Madi : « what ? No » surprised and sad.
Cynthia : « omg no... »
You : « we weren't going to keep pretending, we're both not ready... » feeling emotional again, so your voice breaks a little.
Talia : « beb... »
You : « you would have seen his face Talia » putting your hand in front of your mouth, starting to cry again.
Talia : « eh... come here » hugging you.
You cry so bad, because you've been holding back the whole meal.
They are all so sad for you.
Cynthia : « it'll be okay y/n... »
You : « ...at least we both agree... »
Talia : « yeah... and you'll find him again, dw »
Madi : « ...Payton must be so sad »
Cynthia : « Madi. »
Madi : « no but I just want to give him a big hug too.. »
Talia : « I think he doesn't want to talk to anyone »
Cynthia : « true, leave him alone... »