being alive | glee

17. BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN |
baby, it's cold outside

***

KURT FEELS EMPTY. He supposes he's been stuck in this rut for as long as Jason has been out of his life. It was crazy, but somehow he just couldn't imagine what his life was like before the Warbler. Maybe his memory was warped because he had spent so much time trying to win over Blaine, but really Jason had been there all along right under his nose, and he just didn't get how he had missed that.

When he looks back on it, he thinks he's always been blind to when people like him. Even in friendships, he always just had this sinking feeling that people secretly despise him, so the idea that someone could not only like him but fall in love was a bit hard to grasp. He loved Blaine, but even he was surprised when Blaine was the one to drop the L word first.

In hindsight, maybe it was obvious. Jason was his best friend and Kurt was always jokingly flirting with him the same way Blaine did to him,  so maybe somewhere in the recesses of his mind it wasn't impossible that his best friend could fall for him. It still didn't help that he just couldn't see himself as the kind of guy someone crushes on though.

He remembers the kiss he and Jason shared at Rachel's party last year fondly. He's sure Jason doesn't remember much since he was just as trashed as Blaine that night, but he wonders if Jason might have been in love with him then. Kissing him was a good experience. Certainly better than making out with Brittany or being assaulted by Dave. His lips were soft and he tasted like the strawberry cooler he was drinking. He liked the way Jason's lips felt against his, but it was just a game, so any residual feelings he might have gotten from the kiss he pushed away. Jason was with Morgan and he was in love with Blaine anyway, but maybe that wasn't the case.

Jason stormed out with Sebastian in tow hours ago and Kurt hasn't left this spot, cuddled up in his cover with his mind racing a million miles per minute. He knows Blaine is just watching him by his doorway and the silence is killing him.

"Did you know?" Kurt mumbles out, looking over at Blaine's looming figure by the door.

"Know what?" Blaine asks, finally coming closer and sitting down on the edge of the bed next to him.

Kurt sighs. "That he loved me."

Blaine nods, putting an arm around his boyfriend. "Everyone knew except for you. I, uh, I think I've always just been waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know. For you to realize you love him more and go running into his arms."

Kurt frowns, laying his head on Blaine's chest. "Never. I love you."

"I love you too, but haven't you ever thought about it? Being with him?" the younger boy questions.

Kurt shrugs. "Maybe after we kissed during Spin the Bottle, but that was before you. It was just a thought."

"Are you sure about that? Because as close as we were, you two were always closer. The cuddling, the studying, the phone calls? He tried to convince me I wasn't in love with you once." Blaine says anxiously.

Kurt feels overwhelmed and he's unconsciously raising his voice at Blaine. "Look, I don't know!" Then a whisper, "I don't know."

He can feel tears building up again and Blaine feels bad, so he pulls his boyfriend in close and lets his cry. Maybe neither of them really know what to do right now, but they're trying to survive either way.

-

Kurt hates this. He hates feeling like the bad guy, but even more, he hates that Jason is mad at him right now. The two months without him were hell. Every day was a neverending battle of staring at Jason's contact in his phone and just wanting to call him, but along with that, it was hating Sebastian for hurting Blaine and if Jason could keep around someone who was hurting them, obviously he didn't love them as much as he thought.