An Inconvenient Flame [Sandor Clegane]

Chapter 51 - Hope

Chaos. It was the only word I could use to describe the situation at Winterfell. I had been back home for a few days, but it no longer felt like home. It was strange and not how I had remembered at all. The only thing that almost had stayed the same was the Godswood. The large Weirwood tree still stood tall and proud.

I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, shutting off everything, only allowing myself to feel the bark underneath my fingers and listen to the constant noise still reaching me from outside the walls of Winterfell. There were people everywhere, training, preparing, building, hammering, the constant noise surrounding Winterfell were annoyingly loud.

I breathed in deeply when opening my eyes again. I had sought refuge here for a little while to clear my mind. It had been rough being back but what had been worse was the fact that Sandor bluntly ignored me. I had seen the looks he sent me every time I passed him. It had become harder and harder to stay around him. My heart ached every time I was close to him.

Sandor had stayed away from me like I had asked him to, despite how much I wished for him to cast those whishes a side. I hadn't been able to sleep at all for so many days already. I was getting increasingly frustrated with myself and wanted to yell at him for being so stupid, but I also wanted to scream at my own stupidity. I wanted him so badly to see me, touch me like he used to, and share what we once had shared.

I removed my hand from the rough bark before turning away from the Weirwood tree. I needed to get back, it was getting late. I left the Godswood and moved towards the dining hall where multiple others had already gathered. Not in the mood for too many people, I took a bowl off stew and left the dining room just as fast again.

I returned to my room, only to find it unbearably empty. Tears threatened to emerge once more, and I lost most of my appetite before crawling underneath my sheets. The days had become long and cold, as the dead came closer. Jon was busy running around trying to live up to the expectations from both the people but also from the White-haired queen.

I rolled around to my other side with a loud groan. My bed was excruciatingly empty, and sleep would not find me at all. I missed Sandor being by my side, but I also knew that he was adhering to my wishes. I painfully remembered how I had told him to stay away from me. I didn't know for just how many hours I had been lying here. It had already gotten dark and the fire that once roared in my fireplace was only a few glows now.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position before scooting off the bed. I made sure to throw a few pieces of wood on the fireplace before I grabbed a robe to throw around my night gown. It provided me with much more decency as I roamed the halls of Winterfell. I had always loved the silence in the castle at night, it had been the same in King's Landing, whenever I couldn't find any rest I would roam the halls, ignorant and innocent.

It was much colder in the hallways and it made me seek refuge in the library where I knew it would be warm. It always had been, and it hadn't been any different after I had returned to Winterfell. Very few things had changed, despite everything that had happened since I left Winterfell with my father and my sisters all those years ago.