Bucky Barnes imagines

Away (Part 1)

(A/N: Hello, my loves. It has been a while. Things have been a little hard offline, so I have been taking some time to focus on myself and completing course work. Crazy to believe I will be graduating college in the next year or so. Anyway, I still need to finish "Cold", so it will be at least a few more days until that comes out. But for now, I have started a new one called "Away".  There should be a few parts, but I'll update you the more I write. Thank you all for staying with me and reading my writing. It means the world, as always. 

-M <3

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The familiar chorus of Tony and Steve's banter broke me from my half-hearted attempts at falling asleep. I rolled over, glancing at the door with a small huff of amusement. I couldn't help the small smile that pulled at the corners of my lips at the sounds of their fighting, but it did not last long. I did not smile much anymore.

It startled me how much I had changed in only a matter of months. Joy was an unfamiliar word, laughter an unfamiliar sound. Nothing brought me much happiness anymore and there was little that would lure me out of my room. It startled the rest of them, and it scared the shit out of me. Yet, I did not fight back against whatever this was. I submitted to this darkness, and accepted my fate curled up in the warmth of my blankets.

A small knock broke through my thoughts, but I didn't turn to look back. "Y/N?"

Natasha's voice was a relief, but it still didn't prompt much of a response from me other than a single word. "Yes?"

"Glad to hear you're alive." She let out a small laugh. "Want to go out with us? We're going to get some dinner."

Something in my heart told me to get up and go with them, find comfort in an environment other than this dark room. Laugh again. Feel happiness again. But I could not find the energy to do so.

"I'm sorry, Nat." I pulled my blankets further around me, sinking deeper into my bed. "I'm not feeling well tonight. Maybe another day?"

The silence that followed only meant disappointment, and my heart felt like it was going to split in two. I did not want to disappoint her, let alone anyone else in this damn place. She had been one of my closet friends ever since I had arrived, and we were rarely ever seen apart. Until whenever this started.

"It's okay. Feel better." Her words were short, and I couldn't help the tears that pricked at the corners of my eyes as I heard her footsteps walk away from the door. That was all I wanted, to feel better, yet it felt like the hardest thing in the world. I couldn't even get out of my own bed.

After another hour of sulking, I finally found the energy to get up. My eyes glanced at the mirror, prompting a half-hearted chuckle to escape me as I took in my appearance. My hair was in a messy bun, my body encased in a large sweatshirt and sweatpants. My eyes were watery and rimmed red, dark circles beginning to form underneath them. I certainly fit the profile of "not doing well".

If I had known that anyone else had been in the compound, I would've tried to present myself better. But I didn't care. I just needed something to eat.

I quietly opened the door, slipping out and walking down the hallway to the kitchen. My feet felt cold against against the tile floor but I payed it no mind, my sole focus on creating a makeshift meal. I gently pulled upon the fridge, glancing inside and finding a left over pizza box resting on the shelves. That would do.

"I see someone's emerged from their hiding place." I nearly jumped as I whirled around, finding Bucky standing behind me. My other close friend... my best friend. Perhaps even more than that. Ever since I had begun spiraling, I had avoided him at all costs. I did not want to pull anyone else into my pain.

"Jesus Christ." I slammed the fridge door shut, glaring at him as I put the pizza box down on the counter top. "Don't sneak up on me like that. You nearly scared me to death."

"Nearly thought you were dead. Where have you been?" Bucky's voice was cold and firm, and I did not dare look at him, searching the kitchen for a plate. My eyes locked on one and I pushed past him to get one, plopping a slice onto it and putting it in the microwave. I turned around once more to face him and sighed.

"Away."

"That is very unspecific."

"It's not important." I shrugged, suddenly self conscious of my disheveled appearance under his icy gaze. "You're all doing fine."

"The moment my friend stops showing up to work out, to go to work, to go on missions... is the moment that we are not fine, at the very least me." Bucky asserted, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. "What is going on?"

"I was sick. Nasty flu. Didn't want to pass it onto any of you." I shrugged my shoulders, feeling a sinking feeling of dread as his eyes darkened with disbelief.

"Then why didn't you answer any of our texts and calls? Don't think you can give the flu to your phone."

The microwave beeped, and I jumped at the interruption. I quickly turned, opening the door and grabbing the plate before shutting it. I moved to walk away, but his metal hand slammed down onto the counter, blocking my path. I stared up into his eyes, nearly flinching back from their intensity. "Answer me."

"Why do you care so much, Barnes?" I groaned, placing my plate down before turning fully to face him. "It doesn't matter. I don't matter."

"You matter to me." A shiver down down my spine at his words and as he took a step closer to me. His eyes softened as he gazed down at me. "And to the rest of the team. You are scaring me, doll. What is happening?"

"I just want my pizza."

"Y/N-"

"Please, Buck." I begged, trying to keep in my tears. "I just want to eat. That's all I want right now.

My heart ached at the pain spreading across his face at my unwillingness to let him in, but I knew it was for the best. I would only bring him more pain, letting him take part of the weight that world left me to burden. He sighed, and nodded his head slowly, removing his arm. I picked up my pizza and began to move towards the hallway. I stopped for a moment and turned to look at him.

Bucky's eyes were still focused on me, and I nearly broke down just from his gaze alone.

"You mean the world to me, Bucky." My voice was a broken whisper, my fingers tightened on my plate. "I just can't share my sadness with you. That is a burden I am unwilling to place on anyone else. I'm sorry."

And with that, I turned and walked to my room, tears beginning to fall before I could reach the safety of the darkness. The moment I walked in, I placed my pizza down and fell into bed, tears soaking my sheets and overwhelming my soul.

This sadness, this pain, this depression... I could not allow anyone else to bear it for me.

It was mine and mine alone. And despite how much he wanted to help, I would not allow anyone else to feel it too.