𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐆𝐄 | Dylan O'brien

𝐈

2013:

I was anxious and i didn't even know why.  I usually only got this anxious around big crowds or small places.  I would feel sick and light headed, if it got to much for me i would start to tear up.  i usually try not to cry in front of people,  but some people can prevent you from running off and breaking down.  

As a child i hated hugging.  I hated when my mum would come up to me and express her love ever so randomly.  It was off putting for me.  But when as i got older i grew to accept the fact that if i want people to like me i have to be open. 

It was terrible for me,  and i couldn't get over the fear,  as an actress i had to do what i needed to do in order to do my job correctly. 

Some times on set i would have to stand in a closet with no space for a while.  Sometimes if the movie genre was horror, i would have to be buried alive and be stuck in a coffin for a long period of time.  And by the way,  we have to do several takes to get the perfect one.

When I feel like this I usually take some prescribed medication from my doctor, some Benzodiazepines does the trick. a single tablet is enough for me, they're very strong and if used wrongly such as taking to much or taking the right amount but in short periods of time, it can cause some serious problems.

Benzodiazepines are depressant drugs which slow down the messages between the brain and the body. Benzos include a group of nervous system depressants prescribed for the short term treatment of stress, anxiety or insomnia. in this case it's the stress and anxiety for me. Benzos don't fix me up, or help in the matter of seconds, but, they do slow down the body and brain's functions, in this case mine.  They help me to control my breathing, and make me feel way better than before. but, they're also highly addictive, and i know this because my driver, my manager, my family and doctor  says that all the time. i wouldn't say im addicted. i don't even have access to them on free will. my manager or hangs onto them for me. and right now, i would kill to get my hands on some.

I reached for my bag, that was sitting in the floor of the car. I opened my bag, and reached for a pocket inside, but like always, i realise i don't access to them, so there wasn't any to consume.  i looked down into my lap and let out a frustrated sigh.  

i was currently sat in the passenger seat of my friends car in a parking lot near a bar we were going to. i am currently in Los Angeles, California, and visiting a few friends.  i met them last night after not seeing them for over a year due to my last job in New York.  

Tate, who i've known since kindergarten offered for me to stay with her and her roomate Dawn for the weekend.  it was currently friday night and both of the girls wanted to go to the bar.  

"Are you okay?"   Tate asked me from the driver's seat.  i shook my head in response and she sighed.  "well lets just go in and if it gets to much jst come back out,  or just drink as much as you can adn you'll be fine."

i lightly chuckled in disbelief and looked over at her.  "and how do you think that will turn out tomorrow morning?" i asked her and Dawn leaned in from the back seat and glanced at me.

"you wake up with a hot dude."  she says with complete seriousness.  i raise my eyebrows and slowly shake my head.  i look back down at my lap, take a deep breath and lean my head against the headrest behind me, i close my eyes and think about Tate's suggestion for a moment.  

"well im going in, you can choose to either stay here or not." Tate got out of the car and dawn followed her movements shortly following behind her, befire Tate stopped and leaned down to my eye level.  "i'll see you inside."