I hate you I love you-EdSer oneshots

Happier than ever 5

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” -Lois Lowry

Serkan was tired. Mentally, physically, spiritually, you name it.

He was sitting on a bench outside of the hospital, cold wind messing with his hair, not that he cared.

He was tired.

Serkan prayed to every God he knew to save her, to let her live, no matter the consequents.

He smiled bitterly as God listened to him, but added that tiny consequent.

Eda didn’t know who the hell Serkan was.

And Serkan felt like he just lost his favorite person in the entire world.

They have lost each other.

Again.

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After half of hour of horrible questions and tests, in which Eda repeated that she has no single memory of the man that was standing next to her with tears in his eyes, breaking his heart after every single ‘hatirlamiyorum’ that came from her mouth, doctors got the official diagnosis.

Dissociative amnesia.

Dissociative amnesia is a condition in which a person cannot remember important information about their life.

“Eda hanim has a localized type of dissociative amnesia. It means that memory loss affects specific areas of knowledge or parts of a person’s life, such as a certain period during childhood, or anything about a friend or coworker. In this case, Eda has lost her memories about you, Serkan bey. I am really sorry.”

“But why specifically me, doctor? She has a lot of friends, and have met a lot of people during the years. Why me?”

“In the study for these specific cases, researches found out that people who get amnesia tends to forget about people who had the largest impact in their lives, emotionally or mentally. The brain most probably get over stimulated, so when traumas happen, they use the ‘easy way out’ and just erase the memories from the mind.”

Serkan gulped hard while looking at Eda, who was watching him with an empty gaze. She was looking at him like he was stranger to her.
Which currently, he was.

After a few moments of silence, Serkan asked the question he really didn’t want to ask.

“Her memories…Will they come back?”

“In most cases, they do, quite quickly and suddenly. But strong emotions make amnesia last longer, or in the hardest cases, they never came back. It just depends from person to person.”

The word ‘never’ froze Serkan and he briefly closed his eyes.

There is a good chance that Eda would never return her memories.

Serkan can’t imagine a world where Eda isn’t his best friend.

He opened his eyes again to see the doctor, who was looking at him with sympathy, almost as he understood the pain he was covered in.

“Can I help her somehow, to help make her memories return?”

“You can tell her about your past, show her the things that can remind her of you, but the remembering part…It’s all on her. If she wants to remember you, she will eventually. But I must warn you, these patients have surprisingly little concern over their amnesia.”

Serkan looked at Eda to see that empty look in her eyes.

In that moment, Serkan knew just one thing.

This will hurt like a bitch.

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The next morning, one hour before visits are allowed, Serkan sat at the same bench from yesterday.
He was physically there, but mentally?

He was in front of the university, shouting his feelings out of open, and instead of running away, he stayed.
He was waiting for her to say something, and after a while, she did just that.
Her eyes were red from tears but she was smiling, a smile that made him fall in love with her just a little bit more.

“I love you too, you idiot” Eda replied and pulled him in, kissing him with all her strength.

The moment their lips touched, Serkan opened his eyes, guilt eating him alive.

Serkan was that kind of a person that when he makes a mistake, he beats himself for it far more than necessary.

Sometimes, he remembers some harsh words he said to Eda, and waves of guilt would overwhelm him, making him hard to breathe.

He never forgives himself. He was declared as a perfect child from the day he was born, and the only hope for Bolat family, so when he makes a mistake, it’s bad. Really bad.

He knew he will never forgive himself for pushing her away when her was with Selin.

He also knew he was going to hell after that damned accident.

If only he didn’t tell his feelings.

If only he didn’t love her.

If only he wasn’t in love with his best friend.

If only his best friend knew who he is.

If only…

Serkan turned his head to the left, eyeing the bouquet of daisies he bought for Eda, and though; how was he going to survive this?

After another round of self-pity, he took deep breathes and walked towards the hospital, hoping his heart would make thought this.

He knocked slowly, and after hearing Eda’s mother’s ‘Come in’ he entered the room nervously.

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence where Eda and Serkan looked at each other, while the older woman took her cue and left the room.

“Uhm” Serkan mumbled and pointed with his finger towards the flowers.

“I bought you flowers, I know daises are your favorites” Serkan said while he stood there awkwardly, not knowing if he should enter more into the room or leave.

Eda frowned a little, not quite sure how she feels, beside the medication she was on.

“If feels weird that a stranger knows my favorite flowers” Eda said and immediately regretted, after seeing his face flinch in pain.

One minute in she already hurt him…

“I am not a stranger…Not to you” Serkan said and broke their eye contact, suddenly interested in the picture on the wall.

“Maybe you know me a little, but I surely doubt that our friendship was that deep, Serkan. Think logically, if you were that important to me, I surely wouldn’t forget about you…”

Eda silently gasped when she saw his red eyes that were clearly in pain.

“Can I put these somewhere?” Serkan asked, not quite looking at her, Eda noticed.
She nodded and watched him carefully, putting the flowers gently in the vase.

“Can I sit here?” Serkan asked again and she confirmed, while suddenly getting hit by his scent, that immediately calmed her down.

After another uncomfortable silence, Serkan met her gaze.

“I know it’s really hard for you, with the pain and the broken ribs and concussion, and I know this is the last thing you want, but I was thinking if I could come here every day, and tell you a story or two of us, maybe I could help you that way with recovering, if you don’t mind, of course” Serkan said and a tiny hope could be detected in his voice, one tiny detail that Eda failed to see.

Eda flinched uncomfortably.

“Actually, I was thinking if I could just focus on my physically recover right now. I don’t want to hurt you, but I feel just fine besides the usual pain. I don’t miss anything, not even when I look at you. I think it would be better for me if you don’t visit me for now at least, and later, maybe we could get to know each other..”

Serkan was looking at her, but he wasn’t really sure what he was watching.
It all felt like a terrible dream, hoping he would wake up soon, but by one look from her cold eyes mocked him and his hopes.

He swallowed a sob and focused not to tremble his voice through the next words.

“You want me to leave?” Serkan asked, begging Eda silently to say no.

But she didn’t.

She just nodded, not knowing that with just one tiny move, she broke his heart.

He instantly stood up and walked towards the door, under Eda’s pitiful gaze.

He stopped suddenly and turned towards her bed.

“Your favorite color is green, because you spent hours looking at my eyes, trying to figure out what color is it, and then deciding the whole spectrum of green is your favorite.
Your favorite sport is football, because I always sucked in it, and you always enjoyed beating me in everywhere.
Your favorite song is that song we head on the radio years and years ago, and we spent months looking for it everywhere.
You love old romance movies but you always blush when I say something nice to you.
You hate video games but you spent days and nights with me playing that stupid game, and you would always die first in it.
You and I have the same scar on our foreheads, because we accidently crashed our heads when we were two.

Our friendship was that deep, Eda. You were, you are, and you will always be my favorite person, I hope you don’t forget that. Again.”

Serkan finished his speech and left the room holding his heart, sensing the crackles in it, not knowing that Eda was holding hers in the same position.