I hate you I love you-EdSer oneshots

You will find your light again, Serkan Bolat

what even is season 2

☆☆☆☆☆

Warm, summer breeze played with his short, soft strands of his hair, as he laid on freshly mowed grass in his big, flower-filled garden that provided the look of the beautiful blue-green sea of Bosporus.

Sirius was running somewhere in the background, trying to catch his sworn enemy -the chubby squirrel that loved to play with his nerves, which made Serkan smile, as he continued to lay there, barefoot, enjoying the sun and salty air with closed eyes.

For the first time in long, long time, Serkan could with absolute certainty say that he was happy. Truly, exceptionally happy.

“If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up”, Serkan murmured, frowning when he couldn’t feel the sun on his face anymore.

“Are you talking to yourself, Serkan Bolat?”, mocking voice of his woman woke him from his drowsy thoughts, and he squinted his eyes to look at the lovely face of his wife, that hanged over his head, upside down from his point, shielding him from the burning sun.

Eda Bolat was and is the most beautiful woman in the world, and the fact that she was his wife filled his chest with pride. He couldn’t stop staring at her, her teasing smile, her wide, doe like eyes, her long, curly hair that danced on the wind’s tune, and most importantly, her ever-growing belly, that was hidden behind soft fabric of her white summer dress.

His family. His whole world in the range of her arms. His everything.

Eda cocked an eyebrow to him,  never getting used to this look on his face, that was painted every time he looked at her.


“Need to speak to someone intelligent here, to keep my head up”, he teased, making Eda gasp in faux hurt.

“Oh, I see how it is”, Eda replied and started to walk away from him, making Serkan laugh.

“Come back here”, he ordered and stood up, causing Eda to start running, which is hard for her considering her pregnant state.

“You’re making it too easy for me”, he yelled and he took her in his arms after a few seconds, making her scream in surprise and joy.


Serkan twirled her in his arms for a few times, making her laugh out loud, his favorite music, and when he got tired, he sat again on the grass, with Eda on his lap.

“I was just joking, princess. You are the most beautiful-kiss- the smartest-kiss- the kindest-kiss- person I know”, Serkan said and blushed when he saw the look in her eyes. The look of a woman in love.

“Continue please”, Eda replied with a satisfied smile, while gently caressing his cheeks.

“My life. My world. My heart. The mother of my children”, he whispered the last words, feeling emotional, and Eda placed one of his hands on her belly, on exact place their baby was positioned.

They stared at each other for a while, feeling content, until Serkan felt something small, something that happened under his hand.

He looked at her in surprise, and waited for few moments until it happened again.

Baby kick. Their baby kicked for the very first time!

Serkan’s eyes were immeditely filled with tears as he waited for another one, and when he felt it again, he burst out crying.


“Hello princess, baba is here. How are you doing down there?”, Serkan asked his daughter, while his wife watched this scene with tears in her eyes.

Serkan replaced his hand with his head and pretended  like his daughter just answered him.

“Oh, everything is good? I am glad, but I have to tell you, before everything, you are not allowed to date until you’re 40.” Their daughter kicked again, this time harder, almost in protest, and Serkan laughed, while Eda shook her head, knowing that he was serious.

“This is the greatest moment in my life. Thank you”, Serkan said to his wife and kissed his daughter, while Eda caressed his hair.

“It’s too bad”, Eda whispered to him in a weird tone, making Serkan look at her in confusion.

“What is too bad?”

Weather suddenly changed, it was suddenly cold, and dark clouds stood right above their house, warning him about upcoming storm.


“Too bad you will never experience this, my love. And you know why?”

“Why?”, Serkan asked, on the verge of tears.

“Because you missed all of this. Because, this is just a dream, Serkan. Just a dream…”


“Just a dream…”

“Just a dream…”

“Just a dream…”



☆☆☆☆☆☆


He jumped in his bed, heart beating rapidly as his eyes tried to adjust to the darkness.

It took a while for Serkan to calm himself, but when he did, he fell back on the bed and covered his sweaty face.

He had a daughter, and he missed five years of her life.

Five years.

He missed the entire pregnancy, baby kicks and shopping for baby clothes.  He missed the ultrasounds, hearing his baby’s heartbeat for the first time, the birth and everything in between. He missed seeing his baby for the first time, holding his baby in his arms and her little fingers. He missed seeing her eyes for the first time, he missed feeding her, changing her diapers, singing her lullabies, telling her stories, bathing her, falling asleep with her, buying her toys and spoiling her all along. He missed calling her his princess, he missed hearing her first words, he missed calling him dad, he missed seeing her first steps. He missed making her laugh, he missed her running towards safety of her father’s arms, he missed her birthdays.

He missed everything.

As Serkan realized more and more about what he missed, his body was uncontrollably shaking, while tears ran down his cheeks, as his soul screamed for the great injustice, for the biggest cruelty life had thrown at him.


Everything that happened to him was nothing compared to this.

Not losing his brother, not his mother sending him to a boarding school, not spending years in loneliness and solitude, not his father being a complete piece of shit, not finding the love of his life and then losing her, not losing her twice, not that damned plain crash and losing her thrice, not being manipulated and mentally and physically abused, not losing her for fourth time, not having cancer twice and not losing her for the final fifth time, not losing Sirius and not his suicidal attempt.

All of that was nothing. Nothing. He had a child, a child that doesn’t know who he was, a child that will never call him dad.

A miracle child, whose wonders he missed and will never know about.


What does she like? Is she anything like him? Is she allergic to strawberries? Does she like animals, horses and dogs? Does she like things being in a certain way? Stars? Does she like architecture, looking at pretty things and wondering how are they made?


Serkan remembered the day he found her, playing with her block toys, and how he noticed her talent for building.

He shook his head as a tiny smile interrupted his agony.

His daughter. His little cherry. And from this moment, the only owner of his heart.


But, no matter how proud he was that he was a father, bitter poison coursed through his blood as he once again thought about missed moments, and it was not just about that.

That was his only chance to be a father. It was impossible for him to have another child, and even if that was somehow possible, Eda ruined him too much to have him look at another woman.

Another sob went through him, another painful reminder of what he was denied of.

“I am sorry, Kiraz, I am sorry my princess”, he whispered his apologizes, as waves of pain and regret went over him, drowning him into a world of misery and despair.

Serkan looked at the window on his ceiling, noticed a starless sky, and closed his eyes.

“God, give me however cancers you want me to have, just bring me five years back. Please, God. Please…”

After few minutes of silence, Serkan was disappointed to see himself in the same position.

Why would he ever think that God would be kind to him?

What a fool…


No longer being able to be in bed, Serkan slowly stood up and walked out of his bedroom, his eyes immediately falling on a sleeping figure on the couch.

With heavy heart, he walked towards her and sat on the table, facing her.

Except for different haircut, Eda looked exactly the same, exactly the way she looked in hundreds of his dreams, nightmares and hallucinations...

The woman who made him alive once upon a time, and killed him with just a few words couple of hours ago.

Eda continued to sleep, obvious to her ex lover’s staring, as he continued to look at her, fighting the urge to cover her better with a blanket.

“Why would you do that to me?”, he asked, his voice quit and hurt.


Storm began to reign inside him, as more and more negative feelings rushed through him, towards her.


And to think, that she was ready to run again, refusing him his own daughter.

And her daughter her own father.


Would he ever know about Kiraz if they haven’t accidentally met?


More and more questions arrived in his head, but in his heart, he knew only one thing.

He will never forgive Eda.

Ever.


☆☆☆☆☆☆☆


He was sitting on a couch in his garden, seemingly deep in thought, but he felt her presence, his whole body acknowledging her before his mind steps up. Just like always.

He felt anger rushing through him, waiting impatiently to be let out, to express every not-so-nice thing he felt currently towards her, but he squeezed his hands in forced control and waited to calm down.

When he did, he stood up and finally faced her. Because he couldn’t look at her eyes, he found a perfect spot between her eyebrows and anchored himself there.

Few meters was a physical distance between them, but for him, Pacific Ocean stood between them.

“Serkan”, her trembling voice did something for Serkan, which made him hate her even more.


Serkan took a deep breath, preparing himself for the upcoming battle.

“I want my daughter to spend a day with me, and night too, if the mother allows it, of course”, the last part was said in a sarcastic tone, making Eda furrow her eyebrows.

“We need to talk, first”, she replied, making him instantly mad.

“I don’t want to talk, I want my daughter. Can I please have her, for one fucking day?” Serkan asked assertively.

“Look, she doesn’t know yet about-“, Eda started but he interrupted her with mocking laugh.

“Yeah, I do wonder what you told about me? Maybe I am dead, or ran away, or with another family…Where am I exactly, Eda Hanim?”

His words pained her, and he could see it clearly on her face, but to his dismay, it didn’t satisfy him. If anything, he wanted to comfort her.


“You did ran away, Serkan. We finally had a chance to start a f-“

Serkan, judging by his shaking head, didn’t want to hear anything from her.

“Kiraz. I need her. Can I, after five years, spend some time with my daughter?”, Serkan didn’t want to sound desperate, but he was. His heart was shattered, and he needed those tiny hands to repair what was broken multiple times.

He didn’t know what was going on in Eda, since he wasn’t really looking at her, but when she finally nodded in surrender, Serkan all but ran to his Maserati.  His mind quickly went to the last time he drove his BMW, but he shook these thoughts and unlocked the car.

Before entering, Serkan saw Eda standing her, like a child, and he sighed in annoyance.

“Get in”, he said not so gently, and when her saw her hesitating, he softened his voice.

“Please?”, he said, and opened the door for her.  She gave him a shy smile, and Serkan walked around the car, dreading this unwanted proximity with her.


One hour drive to Sile was mostly filled with uncomfortable silence. Eda would look at him from time to time, and Serkan forced his gaze towards the road, refusing her to have an upper hand.

Her closeness was killing him, and his thoughts often went to happier times, times where he called her his and he was the happiest man alive. But then, his dream appears in front of him, the baby kicks he will never feel, and the previous rage founds him again, making him hit the gas pedal harder.


At the end of the ride, Serkan finally speaks. “Tell your aunt that you agreed to let Kiraz with me. Just in case she calls police on me and have restrain order on me”, Serkan said sarcastically, completely aware of Ayfer’s blinding hate towards him.

Eda wanted to say something, but she knew she had no rights. She herself heard Ayfer say awful things about him, and she did nothing to stop her, having her own negative feelings towards her ex fiancé.

“You don’t even have a car sit for her”, she whispered, staring at her nervous hands.

“It’s in the trunk. I bought it last night when I couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh”, she replied, trying to hide her surprise.

“Do you know how to put a seat belt?”, she asked again, now watching him carefully

“The seller showed me how. And I watched the videos”, Serkan replied, returning her gaze.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

What have they turned into? This conversation was so difficult, so unlike them, and a real vision of what those five years did to them.


“Is she allergic to something?”, Serkan asked, fighting the urge to remove the rebel curl from her eyes.

Eda smiled sadly. “Just strawberries. Like her dad.”


His lips quivered as he tried to say anything, but what could he? His princess carried something of him in her, and he couldn’t wait to see her again.

“One more thing”, Serkan asked as he saw her hand move towards the door.

“I don’t want you to spy on me or send Melo, or your aunt, or your boyfriend or your assistant to my house. I have experience with children. You can ask Engin or Piril”, Serkan stated, looking through the window. God knows how much times he held Can in his arms, and how much times he wished for his own kid. His and Eda’s kid…


Eda was silent for a minute, trying to find anything to say. When she couldn’t find anything, she simply said “I’ll get Kiraz”, and left the car.

Serkan sighed and ran a tired hand through his long hair, and went out of his car. He took the car seat from the trunk and with a little bit of hassle, he placed it in the car.


“Serkan Bolat”, he heard his baby’s voice, and even if it is not ‘baba’, his heart still skipped a beat or two.

He turned around to see her running towards him, with Eda behind her, and Serkan reached out for her, his hands opening for a hug.

When she finally jumped in his arms, Serkan hugged her with his strong arms and he finally felt like he could breathe. It felt like he could take anything in this world as long as she kept hugging him like this.

He felt like a super-hero. He will protect her forever, as long as he is breathing.

Five years too late, but he was there. He was a father.

“Where are we going, Serkan Bolat?”, Kiraz asked her in her tiny, adorable voice, and he smiled for the first time in years.

“Today is your day, princess. Would you like to spend some time with Serkan Bolat?”, he asked her, taking her in his arms.

“Today is not my birthday”, she said with cute confused face, eliciting a loud laugh from her dad.

“No, it’s not, honey. Today is a ‘Serkan Bolat wants to spoil Kiraz day. What do you say to that?”

Serkan didn’t hear a louder ‘yes’ than that.


After she said goodbye to her mother, Serkan carefully placed her on a car seat and put a double seat belt with concentrated and serious face, making Kiraz laugh.

Eda gave Kiraz’s little sleepover bag to Serkan, watching this entire scene with teary eyes.

“Have fun, you two. You look like a good team”, Eda said, playing nervously with her fingers.

“If anything happens, no matter how small-“


“Yes, I have been a father for one day, but I won’t hurt her. I am not Alptekin”, Serkan replied coldly and without a glance, he went to his car and drove away.



☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆


“What do you want to do on your day”, Serkan asked, feeling nervous all of sudden. What if he screws up somehow? What if she founds him boring or annoying? What if she doesn’t want to spend time with him?  What if she wants to go back to her mom?

Serkan looked through the rear-view mirror, panic spreading through his body, but he smiled and relaxed when he saw her thinking face.

“We could…Wait…Uhm….Oh, I know! Ice-cream!!”, she told him in delight, happy for finding a solution.

“Ice-cream?”, he exclaimed with a laugh, and tried to find a way to refuse this very unhealthy junk food. Hell, temperature outside is not for ice-creams! It’s only 30 degrees Celsius, and you eat ice-creams when its over 35!!

Somehow, Kiraz knew he would refuse, so she made the best pair of puppy eyes, which caused his heart to stop beating.

Just like her mother…


He sighed in defeat and whispered a grumpy ‘fine’, making his daughter smile and happy.


☆☆☆☆


For the first time in long time, Serkan Bolat was happy. If not happy, than at peace at least. Holding his daughter’s hand, even if she didn’t know he was her father, with ice-creams in other hands, listening to her talk about anything, was slowly mending his broken heart, piece by piece.

They were walking on the shore, with Kiraz gushing over the sea and seagulls, bridges, faraway buildings, dogs and cats, while Serkan gushed over her.

This tiny, little, joyful perfect being couldn’t be his daughter, right?


Maybe this is all part of his hallucination, maybe his cancer came back for a third time, determined to finally finish him. Or maybe, he died in that car crash and he was somehow in heaven…


Just to be sure, Serkan touched her cheek, to make sure she was real, that life is actually giving him a chance to be happy.

Kiraz giggled at his unexpected move, showing her father a glimpse of her adorable dimples, that were a complete replica of her mother’s.

At that realization, he stopped smiling, and of course, Kiraz noticed it.

“Are you okay, Serkan Bolat?”, she asked as they stopped walking.

“What do you mean?”

“You look sad. Have I made you sad?”, Kiraz asked with her tiny voice, tears already filling her beautiful eyes, breaking Serkan’s heart.

“Oh, no, princess”, Serkan said hurriedly, kneeling down so they could be face to face.

“You could never make me sad, Kiraz. In fact, today is the first time I felt happy in a long time. And that is all because of you. So thank you, for spending your time with me and everything. I know you have a lot of friends, so thank you, really.”

After a long moment, Kiraz grinned and jumped into his arms, hugging him as strongly as her small arms allowed, ice-creams long forgotten.

“You are my friend too, Serkan Bolat”, she whispered, mending and breaking his heart at the same time.

“I am your dad too”, he almost whispered back…

“Almost…”


☆☆☆☆


“Do you see that building on the island, right there?”, Serkan asked and pointed a finger, helping her find it.

“It’s pretty”, Kiraz answered with a joyful smile.

“It is”, Serkan agreed. “It’s my favorite building in this city.”

Kiraz turned her head to look at him with curiosity. “Why?”

“That place has a beautiful, but tragic history. Do you want to hear about the legend of Maiden’s tower?”

“Evet!”, she exclaimed, and turned her little ear towards him.

Serkan chuckled and turned towards the sea and started his story.


“Once upon a time, a temple was built in the name of Greek Goddess,  Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. Hero, a beautiful young woman, together with maidens, took care of the temple’s doves. Every year in the spring, a festival was organized in the name of the goddess, to thank her for providing all kinds of beauty in our nature. People from all the towns would go there and enjoyed themselves in food, music and dance.  A handsome young man named Leandros, came to the temple for the first time.  Aphrodite heard his prayers and caused him to cross paths with beautiful Hero. The two of them fell in love as soon as they saw each other. However, there was a big obstacle between them. It was the sea in front of you, Kiraz. This sea”, Serkan said and heard her gasp.

“I don’t like this sea”, Kiraz said, giving the sea a funny angry look, making him chuckle.

“It’s not its fault, Kiraz. Some people share love bigger and deeper than every sea”, he said, and Kiraz turned her head in curiosity.

“Before Leandros left for his town, he told his Hero that the sea wasn’t an obstacle. If Hero lit the light in the tower on the nights when the sea was calm, Leandros would be able to swim across. Throughout the summer, the young couple met every night when the sea was calm. But summer had to end, and winter came.  The calmness of the sea was replaced by big waves, making it impossible for Leandros to swim to his Hero.  One morning, when they were saying goodbye, Hero made him promise to not to come again, since it became too dangerous for him.  But despite his promises, he was still very sad and he watched the other side of the sea every night, waiting for her light…And when he finally saw it one night, he jumped to the stormy sea, thinking that it was her who called him…But it was not….”, Serkan hesitated as he realized that the end on the story wasn’t really appropriate for five-years-old children.

“Uhh”, he stretched his head. “I don’t think you want to hear the end of this story.”

“You can’t end it there, Serkan Bolat”, Kiraz said in almost bossy tone, which amused the storyteller.

“It doesn’t have a happy ending, Kiraz…”


“I already know a story with sad ending. My mom told me about Coward Prince”, Kiraz stated in as a matter of fact tone.

“Coward Prince?”, he asked, his chest suddenly tightening.


“Long time ago, there was a prince who lived in his huge palace, but he was unhappy despite being a prince. Then, one day, he met a girl and he fell in love. But one day, he realized something and he broke the girl’s heart. He was in love with her, but he kept hurting her because he was a coward. The girl didn’t give up on him, but the Coward Prince continued to be cruel towards her, and he made her go away. He never saw the girl again, and he lived in his palace alone, and the girl found her happiness somewhere else. Isn’t that a sad ending, Serkan Bolat?”

That was what he was to Kiraz. Not a father, not a dad. Just a coward prince.

He sighed heavily as he turned his gaze back to the sea. You lose your brother, beat cancer twice, but you still are coward in someone’s story.

“The light didn’t come from Hero, Kiraz. It was a trick from one of the guards of the tower, who was the only witness of their huge love. When he saw him struggling in the middle of the sea, he turned off the light and left him in the dark. Leandros got lost in the sea, and when Hero found out, she jumped in the sea to find him. She never did, but at least we know they are together now, wherever they are.”


“Why would he do that? The guard?”, Kiraz asked, feeling sad for the young couple.

“He loved Hero. He did it in the name of his love.”

“But that’s not fair!”, Kiraz exclaimed angrily, and Serkan nodded with a sad smile.

“Why Hero never swam to him? If her love was so strong?”

Serkan turned to her. “Her love was strong, that is true. But his love was stronger.”

She hummed something before going to her next question.

“Do you believe in that story?”

Serkan waited for few moments before answering her. “I do.”

“Have you ever loved someone the way Leandros loved Hero?”

“I did.” Your mother.

“What happened?”

“I got lost in the sea. She continued to live in the tower.”

He could see her thinking about his words, and to his surprise, she once again jumped to his arms, hugging him with all her might.

“You will find your light again, Serkan Bolat.”

Serkan smiled and hugged her back, enjoying the feel of having his child in his arms.

“I already did”, he replied and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.


“I already did.”





****