I hate you I love you-EdSer oneshots

Hold On

A/N;

I am sorry guys, I forced myself to write for the previous part, but there was nothing. No inspiration. Nothing.  I tried. I failed. Moving on....

I thought about this for a while, so I had to do it.

Also I think that Ayse should have gone in this direction for the season 2.

Also, my depression gets cured when I think about season 2.

Stormy Istanbul weather didn’t stop one lonely man to sit on the cold white bench.
The view from it would normally calm a person; blue-green waves hitting angrily at the shore (a few drops blessing this man’s expensive black shoes), strong smell of salt in the air, and few calls of hungry seagulls, that flied under the dangerously dark clouds.

It would normally calm, yes, but not today and not for this man.

Not for Serkan Bolat.

Strong wind moved a bit the black folder that was placed next to him, the folder that had his brain scans, the folder that told him that he was most probably going to die.


Decades and decades of eating healthy, exercising daily and denying himself a one simple burger, and all lead to this...

To a huge fucking mass on his brain.

“Well”, Serkan thought, “at least I have an excuse for my behavior during amnesia.”

Serkan smiled, but there was no joy, no mirth, no nothing.


Looks like he is going to break another promise that he made to Eda, that he will make her happy for the rest of their lives.

If he knew that the rest of his life will last a couple of months, he, of course, would never told her that.

Serkan turned his head to the left and saw it.

He saw Eda with one hand holding a balloon, while the other hand held her big pregnant belly. She had a huge grin on her face, because she was looking at him. Serkan, himself, whispered something to her that made her giggle, while holding tiny legs of their toddler daughter, that was sitting on his shoulders with a toothless smile.

His family.

His family that he will never have.


A single tear escaped his eye as he felt his heart breaking.


What did he do deserve this?

He survived a plane crash…And for what?


His imaginary family disappeared with a blink of his eyes, so he painfully returned his gaze to the sea.

Without looking at it, Serkan took a piece of chocolate from the box that laid next to him.

It melted inside his mouth, and he didn’t know if it is because of his situation, but that chocolate was the best thing he ever ate in his life.


Not a single soul was around him when he said his next words.

“I don’t want to die”, he said, as another tear ran down his face.



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Serkan didn’t know how long he stayed there. He just established that he was cursed and wasn’t born to be happy, when a phone call woke him up from his unpleasant thoughts.

He took it slowly from his pocket and his heart panged when he saw Eda’s face.

What the damned fuck will he say to her?

Maybe: “Hey baby, I know I just got my memories back, but don’t get too comfortable. I have cancer!”?

Or: “I am going to die, and after a while, I will have to watch you fall in love with someone else, marry him and have his children, while you slowly forget about me”?

How will he say to the love of his life that the 5-year survival rate is 35 percent?

65 percent of chance that he will die.


The odds are not in his favor.  (side note- rip finnick odair.)


The phone call ended and Serkan realized that night came. It was time to go home.

He looked up to the sky.

“Thank You, oh You Mighty Power. Thank You for allowing me to have nothing.”

He sighed heavily and slowly stood up.

After everything he went through, does he have enough strength to fight?


“I am sorry, Eda…”




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Immediately after entering their apartment, Serkan’s gaze met with a pair of very angry and very worried brown eyes.

“Where the hell have you been Serkan Bolat? Do you have a phone? Do you know how many times I called you? Do you know how scared and-“

Eda’s voice fell in the background as looked at her like it was his first time.


Eda was wearing his green shirt, that was big on her and grey sweatpants, with her fuzzy slippers and hair in a messed bun.
She wasn’t wearing any make-up, and Serkan stood in place, frozen.

She was always beautiful, in her skirts and dresses and heels, but right here, at right that moment…
She looked like she belonged there. She looked comfortable. She turned this place into a home. She is home. And she never looked more beautiful than in that moment.

Everything he owned is hers. Everything good inside him was brought by her. 
His mind, his heart, his body, his soul- everything has her signature.

Is that love? That feeling of belonging to someone, and not even complaining about it?

Is that love? When a person finally comes home after a tiring day and knows he can relax for now on, that feeling he gets every time he sees her.

Is it even possible to love someone that much, that she becomes the only reason to fight against death? Against 65 percent?


“I am going to miss you so much”, Serkan thought, as she continued to yell at him.

“Serkan? Are you even listening to me? I swear to God, I am going to-“


He interrupted her by a kiss. He walked towards her in a second, grabbed her head, and kissed her deeply.

Eda’s first thought during the kiss it that it felt different. That she was kissed by a desperate man. She wanted to push him away, because she was still angry at him, but for some reason, she couldn’t do that. Not when he was kissing her like that…

They stopped for a few seconds, breathing heavily, until he kissed her again.

Is there any really good words to describe a kiss between a dying man and a woman who would die for a dying man?

Eda let a slight moan when his tongue caressed hers, but there was nothing really sexual in it.

It was just a kiss by two star-crossed lovers. Nothing more, nothing less.

The fault was in their stars…( okay?)


Nobody knew how much time had passed until Serkan broke the kiss and leaned his forehead on hers, trying to give his brain and his guest some oxygen.

“Serkan?”, her small little voice destroyed something in him…

He leaned back to look at her angelic face, and realized that he will never meet an angel in the heaven. Because all of them are already here, on the Earth, and of them is currently looking at him with bewildered and teary eyes.

His hands were still holding her face.

“You…You, Eda Yildiz…You are the most important thing in my life. I wish I can give you all those romantic speeches in the movies at which you always end up crying.  I wish I could tell how much I love you, how much I crave you, how much I belong to you.  I would eat thousands of strawberries, just to make you smile. I would eat an entire patisserie, just to make you laugh. If I was a poet, every sonnet would be about you. If I was an artist, you would be my muse. Fuck Mona Lisa, when there is Eda Yildiz. I want you to remember this, Eda. I want you to remember how much I loved you… love you…Can you do that for me?”

Eda’s face was covered in tears, and she sobbed while looking at his soft and teary eyes.

“Serkan...”, she said quietly. His words were beautiful, but something in those words made her feel like this was some kind of a goodbye.

“You’re scaring me, are you alright? What is going on?”

Serkan shook his head. “Everything is alright, my love. Can I just ask you for one more thing?”

She nodded.

“If something happens to me, maybe tomorrow, or in a year, or in five, can you promise me that you won’t forget me? Not like I did, at least”, Serkan sadly whispered that last part.

Fear crawled in the roots of her heart, and she prayed inside that there is nothing to be worried about this conversation.

She took one of his hands and placed it directly on her heart.

“How can I ever forget the reason my heart beats like this? How can I ever forget the owner of my heart? How can I ever forget my future husband and the father of my children?”, Eda replied in a soft voice, not realizing her words broke his heart and his soul.

A bittersweet smile appeared on his face, and to hide it, he placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

“I love you”, he whispered in her hair.

“I love you more”, Eda replied, looking deeply in his eyes.

Serkan smiled at her. “And I love you the most.”



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“Tell me about our future”, Serkan said to Eda, whose head comfortably laid on his chest.

After their talk, Serkan took her to their bedroom and made love to her for a long time.
Unlike their other times, this time they both took time in everything. He kissed, caressed and worshiped every single part of her body, slowly, like they had all the time in the world. When he entered her, he didn’t do it roughly, hard, and fast, the way she preferred. He took her gently, lovingly, adoringly, just to show her how much he truly loved her.

Eda loved it, even though there was a moment when she looked at his eyes, and saw the way he looked at her and her body, and thought that he tried to memorize every single thing he or she did. Like this was the last time they would do this.

But she kicked that thought out of her head, and currently was enjoying being in his arms.

“Our future?”, she asked and felt his nod

Eda looked up at him and Serkan saw the most beautiful smile on her face.

It ruined him.


“Right after my graduation, we will get married. We will go to Italy on our honeymoon, and after a while, I will get pregnant, possibly with our little star, our little daughter. We will buy the doctors house, and we will make it our home. Our little girl will turn out to be totally daddy’s girl, but that is alright, because our son would be on my side. You will spoil them so much, and love them even more. Maybe we would have one more kid, because I would probably want another mini Serkan in the house. When our girl grows up, you will probably scare every boy that even looks at her. We will work together until the retirement and we will move to Paris for a year or two. And then, we will go back to spoil our grandchildren. We will grow old together, and we will die in each other’s arms. What do you think? Do you love our future?”

Serkan tried so hard to hide his pain, so he smiled brightly and pecked her lips.

“That is a future worth dying for, Peri Kizi”, he replied which caused a big cause on Eda’s face.

She kissed him once more and settled her head in the crook of his neck, and fell asleep after a few minutes.


Serkan waited for her to fall in a deep sleep, and when she did, he carefully placed her head on the pillow and got up, walking towards the bathroom.

When he met his reflection in the mirror, he let it go.

Sob after a sob, and his body was shaking from his crying.

They will have that future…

Right?

Right????