I hate you I love you-EdSer oneshots

Breathe 2

I am sorry for being disorganized.  I don't know why I do it...

Reread the previous chapter from this if you don't remember.

Song is called Kissing a fool by George Michael.

Several years later…



Serkan stared through the window, Italy’s ground getting farther and farther from his eyes, and his legs…

One minute later, they were up in the sky and he was overwhelmed with the emotions.

That was his home for the last several years, and now, he was leaving it, for good.
But there was someone else that he was leaving too.

And Serkan didn’t how to feel.


He tried to ignore them, and think about the place he was coming back to.

He didn’t know how to feel about that too.

The stewardess brought him a glass of lemon water and placed it in front of him, and left with a small nod.

Serkan stared at it and could feel his pulse accelerating.

He is going back home. Serkan is going to see her for the first time in years.

Serkan wondered how would she feel when she sees him again.

Would she hate him?

Would she throw him poisonous words at him, the way he did to her couple of years ago?

Maybe she won’t react at all, maybe she would hug him and show her huge diamond ring, and a small baby bump…

Serkan immediately tensed after that thought came to his mind.

His jaw clenched in the poor attempt to not show his jealousy.

Why was he jealous? After all these years…It would be normal to move on, just like he moved on…

The jealousy Serkan felt was immediately replaced by the guilt.

How can he be jealous, when barely six months passed since his wife died?

Six months since Aysun died…


Serkan looked at the ring on his finger, the ring that didn’t have Eda’s name.


So many things happened in the past years, and he had no will to tell someone about it.

Or maybe there was someone…Someone who still held his heart, despite the head’s enormous wish to hate that same person…

How could he tell Eda that he was a bad boyfriend and even worse husband?

How could he tell Eda that instead of feeling devastating lose after losing his wife, he felt ugly, nasty relief?


“I am a miserable man”, Serkan thought, as his wife’s last words appeared in his head.


“You are the love of my life, Serkan”, she whispered weakly. “Even though I know that I am not yours “


Twelve hours later, she died in the hospital bed…


Aysun knew that he loved her, but she also knew that he was not in love in her. Not like she was with him. She had came to terms with it somewhere along her sickness.


Serkan sighed tiredly and closed his eyes.

He hoped for better things in his life. He hoped for a family. He hoped for five kids in his garden with brown hair and brown eyes.

But more than anything, he hoped for forgiveness.

From both sides…



☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆



Eda sighed dramatically and massaged her head. She was struggling with her headache since this morning, and bickering between Erdem and Leyla didn’t help it dissolve.

Erdem bragged about his new model girlfriend, and Leyla questioned about her sanity or if he had kidnapped her.

Or something like that…

Eda couldn’t listen to it anymore and left her table and walked up the stairs, towards Serkan’s office.

She sometimes worked in there, and Eda could say that reason was the silence or comfort in there, but she would lie.

She would work for hours in there, and maybe, just maybe, in a tiny bit of second, she could still feel his scent around the office, or in the room behind, or in the shower…

God only knew how much she missed him.

How much she loved him.

How she still dreamed about him and their little family, that could only live in her dreams…

How much the fact that he hated her, that he met someone knew, that he fell in love with someone else, that he married someone else still hurts her…


But she couldn’t blame him. Not after what she has done to him…No matter that she didn’t mean them…


If she could only see him one more time, hug him one more time….

One more time of him…


But that wouldn’t help much.


Because she would want one more time, and one more, and more…

A lifetime with him wouldn’t be enough…


Eda cursed herself for thinking about him once more, and finally decided to actually do some work today.

Rich, old clients wanted to redesign their garden, and choose Art Life and her to do so.

For half an hour, she drew trees, flowers, arches and paths, until she sensed that she wasn’t alone anymore.


Strong scent of her favorite perfume overwhelmed her and she instantly closed her eyes.

“It can’t be, no. It’s impossible”, Eda thought panicky, as her heart fluttered against her chest.

She forced herself to calm herself, and counted to three.

One, two, three…

Eda opened her eyes and slowly raised and her breath hitched instantly.

He was there…Serkan was there, standing against the door, with his black suit and a soft smile on his sweet face.

She was frozen.

Serkan was there! In front of her, with a soft smile and even softer look in his eyes.

If she could read his eyes, they would say: “What a sight to sore eyes.”

“It must be a dream”, Eda thought, but then, he said her name, and tears immediately came to her eyes.

Her body was covered in chills. Her hands were sweaty. Her stomach was twisting inside her, making her wonder if she is gonna puke right there, right in front of him.

She hoped she wouldn’t.

“Eda”, Serkan called her once again, and a teary smile came to her face.

“Serkan”, she whispered weakly, and the corner of his lips raised even more.

Serkan took a step forward, and slightly opened his arms, his non verbal invite to a hug, and Eda didn’t hesitated.

She jumped from the chair, sending it in another direction, and she ran to his arms.
Without thinking about anything, Eda jumped in his arms, slightly surprising Serkan from the force of her jump.

Eda hugged him with her arms and her legs, squeezing the life out of him, but he didn’t mind at all. He hugged her back with the same firm, sighing deeply as he placed his head on her shoulder, smelling her intoxicating scent.

“God, do you know how much I missed you?”
“I want to live in this moment for the rest of my life.”

Eda and Serkan wanted to tell each other just that, but instead of it, they just hugged harder…


They didn’t know how much time they spent like that, it could be a minute, or an hour, or a year, or even a decade, but they did know that it wasn’t enough.
It’s never going to be enough.


Eda smiled against his head, her hands automatically going towards his hair, until she realized what was actually happening.
She stilled for a moment, long enough for Serkan to realize, and then he was gently placing her on the floor, already missing the feeling of her in his arms.

Eda blushed as she stood in front of him, and he watched with an adoring smile.
It was just like in the beginning.

“I am sorry”, Eda said and put one piece of lock behind her ear, a nervous habit of hers.

“Don’t. Don’t ever apologize for that”, he said and Eda smiled, showing her adorable dimpled that Serkan loved and missed so dearly.

“What are you doing here?”, Eda asked after a moment of silence where they examined each other with their eyes, wondering if anything changed during these years.

Serkan threw a look towards her hand, and then towards her stomach, and a satisfied smile appeared on his face, until a familiar punch of guilt reminded him of everything.

He met her gaze and the guilt somehow got smaller.

“Well, you can only eat that much of Italian food”, he joked which draw out a giggle from Eda.

A memory flashed through Eda’s mind, a time when Serkan told her about the house he bought in Rome, a house in which both of them would live. And Sirius.

Eda wondered if he lives there with his wife, which brought a sad smile on her face.

Serkan obviously noticed it, despite her attempts to hide it, and it was a bittersweet moment when he realized he could still read her like a book, even after long several years without a single contact.

And of course, he knew what made her sad, and the memory returned to him too, the feel of her lips on his face when he told her about the house.


Life really likes to mess with you…


One broken dream of a house in Rome later, Serkan spoke up.

“I am back, Eda. For good.”

Eda could only hear the strong and fast beats of her heart.
Her brain has fizzled out.


He was back. In Istanbul. She would see him every single day.

Her slow grin was interrupted when her gaze fell on his wedding ring.

He was back, yeah. Back with his wife.

She tried to return her smile. She really did. But still failed as she asked him the damned question.

“With your wife?”

Serkan was carefully observing her, but after a while, he shook his head as an answer.

“No, not with her. Aysun died from a brain cancer six months ago.”

Eda gasped and put her hand on her mouth in shock. She couldn’t imagine the pain he went through, and less than ten minutes ago she jumped on him like a fool!
“Idiot”, Eda thought.

Serkan lost the love of his life, and he was still here, ready to continue with his life…
Eda wondered how would she feel if Serkan died, and the imaginary scenes were far far darker from this.

“My sweet robot”, she thought, “how brave and how good he really is.”

He went through the hell, and he was still here, with a gentle smile on his face.

Eda thought about it for second, but decided to go with it, and took his hand gently, her thumb caressing his palm gently.

“I am so sorry, Serkan. I can’t imagine what you went through. If only I can somehow take your pain away from you…”

Serkan hated the fact that he wasn’t focused on her kind words about his dead wife, because he was focused only on her hand on his, her tiny fingers on top of his hand…

What kind of a sick man was he?

Nevertheless the unanswered question, he still squeezed her hand in return, he still welcomed the warmth that came from her, he still enjoyed at the sight of his much bigger hand with her smaller one.


Despicable, that was the answer. He was a despicable man.


“It’s okay, we had time to say goodbye”, he said and wondered what would happen if he intertwined their fingers together…


“If you want to talk about it, I am always free for free therapy sessions”, Eda said half-jokingly, and Serkan also had a half smile on his face.


“You may regret offering me that. I am famous for being a robot, after all”, Serkan teased and Eda laughed.

Ah, how much he missed her laugh…


“Well, from my personal experience, robots are the best kind of people in the world.”

Their warm encounter was interrupted by loud knocks on the door.

Serkan still held her hand when, out of all people, Erdem came to the office.


A familiar anger ran through Serkan after seeing this man, and he wished, oh he wished, that he could punch him in the face.

“Edacim, how are you? I came here as soon as I could to warn you about Serkan Bey, but it looks like the bear already found its victim”, Erdem sais with loud and squeaky voice.

Eda looked at Serkan’s face and stopped herself from laughing out loud.

Serkan was pissed, and his free hand was already turned into a fist.

“Did you just call me a bear?”

Erdem foolishly stepped towards Serkan. “I am not afraid of you anymore, Serkan Bey.”

Serkan raised his eyebrow and took a step towards him, but Erdem instantly moved and ran from the office.

There was a moment of silence in the office, or silence between Eda’s giggles.

“Why is this man still working here?”, Serkan asked her and Eda’s tiny giggled turned into a full-blown laughter.


“It’s not funny!”, Serkan exclaimed, but Eda ignored him.

Serkan continued to glare at until both of them heard Erdem’s voice downstairs.

“LOOK AT ME, ART LIFE, I AM THE BRAVEST MAN IN TURKEY. I HAVE JUST CALLED SERKAN BEY A BEAR!”


“That is it. This man is going to be fired right here and right now”, Serkan said and left giggling Eda in the office.



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Eda rolled her eyes for the millionth time in the last hour.
She was drinking coffee with Ceren and Melo in the break room, and Melo couldn’t stop talking about Serkan, or the way he constantly looked at her while in meeting.
Ceren would from time to time add something, like a certain tension between two of them…

“He wasn’t the only one looking, Cerencim. Our dear friend over here stared at him almost as she wanted to jump his b-“

“Melo! I swear, if you say one more word, I am going to strangle you!!”

“Allah, Allah”, fourth voice entered the room and they all turned their heads towards the entrance, where Serkan stood with an amused smile.

“Shame on you, Eda. You would actually hurt my Melo?”

“Ah, Eniştecim, if you only knew how she really treats me. I don’t even know why am I friends with her.”

If looks would kill, Melo would be deep down in the ground. Eda couldn’t believe that she let that old nickname out of her mouth, but luckily for her, Serkan didn’t seem to mind.

“You know what, I think you and I would be much better friends. Maybe you should replace her with me? I know we would have so much fun together”, Serkan teased while Eda gasped.

“Are you stealing my best friend?!”, Eda asked in the same time Melo happily said “Yes”.


“Betrayal”, she exclaimed and pointed a finger towards them accusingly.

Serkan laughed softly, showing his sweet dimples, and Eda suddenly couldn’t pretend that she was angry anymore…

There was something about his laugh, that she missed so dearly, and now here she was, getting smitten one more time…

Ceren and Melo exchanged a knowing look and tactfully left them alone.

Tension in the room immediately reached to the roof, and she didn’t know what to do with herself.

“Do you want some coffee?, she asked and turned to prepare it, after he nodded his answer.


“So”, Serkan said and took the cup from her hand, “What were you talking about if you wanted to hurt my best friend so much?”

Eda snorted. “Why don’t you ask your “best friend?”

“Well I hope that my other friend would be nice enough to share the information with me.”


Eda had frozen. Him saying that she was his friend, after all that happened, after the last fight they had, the way things between them got so ugly…

Serkan noticed the mood shift and regretted saying it.

Silence became unbearable between them, and after a staring contest, Eda decided to break it.

“Are we? Friends? I mean after everything we went through…”, she was nervous, fidgeting with her finger, scared of his answer.

“Maybe that was our problem from the beginning. We went right from hating to loving each other. But, maybe, from my side, there was no hate at all…We never got through that ‘friends faze’.

“Maybe you are right. And, I hate to admit that, but I also never hated you. You actually charmed me the first time we met, but there was my scholarship and…”, Eda stared at the cup in her hands, not knowing what to say anymore.


He smiled at her confession. “We can talk about other things when time is right. But right now, there is nothing I want more than being your friend.”

“So what do you say, Eda Yildiz, do you want to be my friend?”, Serkan asked and extended his hand for her to shook it.

Eda was lost for a moment. Being friends with Serkan, after all of their history, and years they spent without contact. Being friends with him when she was pretty much still deeply in love with him?
But she knew he didn’t love her anymore, and she didn’t want to lose him again, so maybe, being friends with him is better than nothing?

Eda took his hand.

“Let’s be friends, Serkan Bolat”, Eda said with a loose smile and shook his hand.

They could be friends, right?




☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆




Eda stared in front of her mirror, frustrated as hell. Two dresses were in her hands, one black with gold chains, and one baby blue with puffy sleeves.

Behind her was her bed which was full of her clothes.

What to wear on a dinner with your ex that is now your friend after not seeing each other for years?

Serkan invited her to a dinner at his old Bolat home.
Well, invited is a strong word…


“I think we should celebrate this reunion, so I will make dinner tonight at 8 and you should come, friend”, Serkan said with a wink and left her there without hearing her answer.



“Stupid Serkan Bolat”, Eda said and continued to stare at her reflection.

Should she wear this black dress? Or the tiny red one she bought for special occasions? Or that velvet green skirt? Or better, nothing at all?

Headache was starting to form, so she gave up on her over thinking and chose the black dress.

Nothing could go wrong with a little black dress…Right?


☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆


From the other side of Istanbul, Serkan had the same problem.
Olive green business shirt or black one? Or white one?

This is not a date, they were just hanging out like a pair of old friends, so things should be casual.

Should be…

There was nothing wrong in this, but Serkan still felt guilty.

He stood in front of a mirror shirtless, but his gaze fell on his ring.

They were friends. Friends hang out with each other all the time. There is nothing wrong there.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

He got frustrated in the end and choose black shirt. Plenty of time for olive green shirt.

Plenty of time to ignore his guiltiness.




☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆




“Mehraba, arkadaş”, Eda greeted Serkan as his eyes went up and down her body, lingering slightly on her cleavage.

He gulped and met her gaze.

“You look beautiful”, Serkan said with difficulty.

Eda raised her eyebrow. “Is this how you greet Engin? No wonder he is still with you after all these years.”

Serkan snorted. “I have never seen him wearing that kind of dress, or any dress at all, but if I did, I would probably compliment him too.”

Eda grinned and there was something natural in the air between them, an old push-pull game that was holding just a tiny bit of nostalgia, mixed with old feelings that were dangerously close to ruin the façade that they called their new friendship.


Eda took a glance towards his outfit, and boy, seeing him in his all-black outfit made her feel things. Forbidden things…

“You look nice too.”

“But not beautiful? Tamam, Edacim, I see how things work here.”

Eda rolled her eyes and they walked towards the kitchen, a warm night allowing them to have a dinner outside.

“You will be happy to see our waiter for the night”, Serkan said while walking backwards with a huge smile on his face.

Eda was confused for a moment, but it didn’t last long, because Sirius ran towards her, barking with wagging tail, and a black and white dog suit.


“Sirius!”, Eda exclaimed happily and he jumped into her arms, licking and nuzzling her, his little whines breaking heart.

“I missed you too, baby”, Eda said and hugged him firmly, despite his constant movements.

“Can’t believe Sirius got better welcome than me”, Serkan muttered to himself, although Eda still heard him, judging by her raised eyebrow.

“What did you say?”

“Oh, I said how lucky we are to be here with you”, Serkan replied with the most charming smile he could make.

“Yeah, right.”


After another round of cuddles and kisses, Serkan had to drag her from Sirius to take her to the kitchen.

A round table that was filled with every kind of food waited for them on the left side of the kitchen, which surprised Eda.

She gasped when she saw traditional Mardin food, and the food she made with Serkan in the beginning.

“Serkan? Did you cook all of this?”, Eda asked and turned towards him

He was looking at her carefully, probably judging her reaction.

“Well, yeah”, he replied, scratching his head nervously. “I was kinda worried and didn’t know what to cook, so I asked around and here we are…”

God he was adorable.

God how much she missed him.

God how much she loved him.


“You didn’t have to, Serkan. You know I am a cheap date. One cheeseburger and couple of fries and I am sold. But nevertheless, thank you, Serkan”, Eda said.

She slowly approached him and before she could change her mind, Eda raised herself and kissed him gently on the cheek.

Time stopped for the two of them, as they stared at each in proximity.

Both of their eyes fell on each others lips for a moment or two, wishing that the other one is braver than themselves.

But Sirius’s bark woke them out of their moment, and Eda took a step back with a nervous smile.

“I can’t wait to watch you eat Mardin dishes”, Eda said and walked towards the table, leaving Serkan behind her, who watched the light swing of her hips with glint in his eyes.


What a wonderful friendship, Serkan thought, as he started to walk towards the table.




☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆



“Okay, I have a serious question”, Eda said and took a sip from her wine glass.

Her fourth of fifth glass.

On her good way to become drunk.

Serkan looked at her tipsy smile and grinned. “I hope I can give you a serious answer.”

Eda met his gaze, suddenly serious.


“Have you eaten at least one pizza in Italy?”

Serkan watched her for a second and waited to see if she will burst out laughing.

She was dead serious.

“No. Not even once”, Serkan said and smiled.


Few seconds passed.

And now, Eda laughed out loud.

Serkan watched her adoringly as she laughed, and after a while he joined her too.

Maybe it was the wine, but Serkan felt happy for the first time in years.

He was happy. Yes, he was a despicable man, but even them can feel joy every once in a while.

They calmed themselves after a while, and Eda stared at him bewilderedly.

“Seriously? Not even once?”

Serkan shook his head. “I’ve already told you, Eda. If I am ever going to poison myself and eat that junk, I would do it only with you.”

Tense silence appeared between them, as a bitter dream came to tear apart this wistful dinner.


If Eda didn’t listen to her grandmother, if she trusted Serkan enough, if Serkan gave her a chance to explain, if Serkan believed in their love, then today would probably been a celebration dinner, it would probably been some kind of anniversary for them and Eda probably wouldn’t drink wine. If Eda said that night, in front of everyone, that she loved Serkan more than anything in this world, maybe today Serkan wouldn’t wear a wedding ring with another woman’s name on it.


If only, if only, if only….



Eda tried to ignore tears that made her vision blurry. She didn’t want to ruin this night because the past came to bite her ass.

“I think I need more wine”, she joked and was happy to see a tiny small on his face.

“Yeah, I think I need it too”, he replied and left to grab another bottle.

“Have you at least tried pasta there?”, Eda asked as she took a big sip of wine.

“I am sorry to disappoint you, but no.”

Eda shook her head. “You’re getting old, Serkan. You need to try to enjoy life while you still can.”

“Are you saying that I am old?”, he replied, half-offended.

“Well, technically no, but I will probably need to buy you a walking stick for your next birthday”, Eda said and shrugged her shoulders

“Will you put me in a nursing home?”

“Probably, but you will be happy there. All the girls will be all over you.”

Serkan grinned and took a glance to appreciate her. She was always beautiful, but tonight, tonight she was a star.

“I missed this”, he admitted quietly, but loud enough for her to hear it.

Her teasing look was replaced by something more serious, something like longing and wistfulness.


“I missed this too. And you. I missed you…”


Their gazes were locked on each other, until Serkan broke it and drank every single drop of wine in his glass.

Then, he stood up and walked towards her and reached out his hand.

“Let’s dance.”

“But there is no music.”

Serkan turned to find his phone, and when he did, he pressed randomly on his Spotify.


Moment later, Eda heard soft piano tones as she watched him walking towards her.

She still looked skeptical, and Serkan saw it.

“C’mon, friends dance with each all the time.”

“Are you saying that you danced with Engin like this?”

“If you must know, I did. C’mon.”

Eda sighed and took his hand, following him to the backyard.

He pulled her impossibly close to him, his hand on her waist and her hand around his neck, and the singer’s voice appeared between them.


You are far
When I could have been
Your star

You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart


Eda’s heart panged as she was listening to the lyrics. She was going to cry, so she hid her face in his neck as they continued to dance clumsily.


Strange that you were
strong enough
To even make a start


Eda wasn’t strong. She was a coward. And scared.


But you’ll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your
Heart

She wanted to apologize to him, to say how much she hated herself and how much she still hates herself.
She wanted to tell him that he was the only man she loved, and the one she will love for the rest of her life.

But he still had a ring on his finger, that was currently burning her skin on her upper back.


She was selfish. He stopped loving her for a long time now. Maybe she should let him go, to really be his friend. Just friend.


People,
You can never change,
The way they feel

Better let them do,
Just what they will

For they will

If you let them
Steal your heart from good


Eda could heart the strong beats of his heart. The heart that beats for someone else…


People,
Will always make a lover,
Feel a fool



Maybe, one day, she will do it. She will let him go. But not tonight.

Tonight, she was dancing with the love of her life, even if she wasn’t the love of his life.


She gently nuzzled his neck, and removed a single tear that was running down her cheek.


“You will never be just my friend, Serkan Bolat”, Eda thought.

“But I will always be yours. I promise.”


But you knew I loved you


We could have shown them
All
We should have seen love
Through



☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

A/N:

Lebanon.

Syria.

Palestine.

Yemen.

Iraq.

Ukraine.

I pray for you.

I pray for mothers who keep waiting for their sons, although they know they will never see them again.

I pray for the little girls and boys, who keep asking their moms when will their dad come back.

I pray for the women whose only thing left from their husbands is a ring and a picture.

I pray for the 80-years-old man with two shirts and one pants and couple of sandwiches, who wanted to fight for his country.

I pray for the people whose cries aren't heard, whose houses are destroyed and their bodies bruised.

I pray for the pilots that are in falling airplanes, who know they will going to die in few seconds.

I pray for every animal that was killed by human's inhumanity.

I pray for this beautiful planet, that is being ruimed by every second of the day.

I pray the better future.

I pray for the world being ruled by women.

I pray for a world without greed.

I am sorry that all I can do is pray.

🤍