The Promised Crackerland

Steamed Hams

The day is Ray's birthday

Knock knock

Ray : well, Emma, I made it...despite your directions...

Emma : ah, Ray, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable lucheon

Ray : ...yeah...

Emma runs to the kitchen, only to find her roast is burnt and gasps in horror

Emma : oh, egads! My roast is ruined! *sees a McDonald's*
But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?
*chuckles* delightfully devilish, Emma.

She begins to climb through the window, but Ray enters the kitchen

Ray : EEEMMAAAAA

Emma : Ray! I was just...uh---just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

Ray : why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Emma?

Emma : uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having
Mmmm, steamed clams!

Once Ray leaves the kitchen, Emma breathes a sigh of relief, climbs out the window, and runs across the street to McDonald's, where buys hamburgers and french fries to replace his burnt roast. She enters the dining room with the fast food on a silver tray

Emma : Ray, I hope you're ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers

Ray : I thought we were having steamed clams

Emma : oh no, I said 'steamed hams'
That's what I call hamburgers

Ray : you call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?

Emma : yes! It's a regional dialect.

Ray : uh-huh. Eh, what region?

Emma : uh...upstate New York.

Ray : really? Well I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams'

Emma : oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression

Ray : I see

Ray takes a bite out of a burger and chews it a little, while Emma sips her drink

Ray : yk, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at McDonald's

Emma : hohoho, no! Patented Emma Burgers. Old family recipe!

Ray : for steamed hams?

Emma : yes.

Ray : yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled

Emma : y- uh..you know, the...one thing I should...excuse me for one second.

Ray : of course.

Emma enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing it is now on fire

Emma, yawn : well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped

Ray : yes, I should be--HOLY SHIT, WTF IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!

Emma : Aurora Borealis?

Ray : ah- Aurora Borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?

Emma : yes.

Ray : ...may I see it?

Emma : ...no.

They exit the house as the kitchen fire grows larger

Alex : Emma! The house is on fire!

Emma : no, father, it's just the Northern Lights

Ray : well, Emma, you are an odd fellow, but I must say...you steam a good ham.

As Ray begins heading home, Alex screams for help, causing Ray to look back towards the house. Emma gives him a thumbs up and a fake smile, causing him to keep walking away. Once Ray is out of sight, Emma rushes back into the house to deal with the fire

Alex : Help! HELP!!!