Faded Sun| SunSun

[Chapter 20]

Sunoo was in a bad way, his days filled with constant jitters, dizziness, and the overwhelming feelings of wanting to throw up. This momentous time, plagued with the anxiety of what the end of the week would bring. His whole world was a messed up scale, each side teetering frantically, unable to balance the highs and lows. He had already made up his mind, or Junseo had done it for him, but that very decision was eating him up inside. 

His phone lay flat on his desk, whilst he thought over giving Sunghoon a call. On one had, he wanted to speak to him. His love for him hadn't gone anywhere, he wanted to hear his voice. However, on the other hand, he had no idea how he'd react when he picks up the call. His fragile state left ample room for guessing games, would Sunghoon work out what was going on?

Sucking in a deep breath, Sunoo picked up his phone, dialing Sunghoon before he could change his mind. The ring sent waves of anxiety rushing over him, quickening his heart beat. His leg shook under the desk, as his sweat encased the phone he was holding. 

The call was answered.

It stayed silent.

"Sunghoon, I, um... sorry I haven't been able to call. I've been really busy, hows the past few days been?" Sunoo blurted out, voice shaky. 

"They've been nice. I visited the rink, and spent some time with my family, nothing major. The concept photo's are really cool, you looked amazing."

Sunghoon's normal response, relaxed him slightly. "Thanks... It's hard to believe this is all happening, I'm debuting in just over a week."

"Why don't you sound excited?"

"Oh uh, it's the nerves probably." Sunoo replied, feeling the tears welling up. He didn't want to talk about this, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold back. "I cope better when I have you and Jungwon around me."

"Only three more days, okay? You can get through that. When I come back I'll give you the biggest hug, and shower you with kisses, how does that sound?"

He was so sweet, why did he have to be so sweet? Cute phrases that would have once caused giggles, instead brought a wave of sadness. Those cuddles, those kisses, would all be a thing of the past. Sunoo couldn't bare with the thought, he couldn't bare to lose Sunghoon. 

Little sniffles escaped him, tears trickling down his pale cheeks.

"Wait why are you crying?"

"I-it's nothing...really, I just miss you." Sunoo muttered, the best he could at the time. As the trickle of tears, turned to streams, Sunoo covered his mouth with his hand, in an attempt to hide it from Sunghoon. 

"If there's something wrong, tell me."

There was worry in his voice, but Sunoo couldn't reassure him like he wished. If only he had the strength to tell him the truth, not do the one thing he hated, lie. 

"I-I promise H-hoon, It's n-nothing."

There was a pause.

"Alright, if you say so."

The change was immense, worry turned to indifference in a matter of seconds. 

"I need to go, mum needs my help. I'll text you later."

"Oh, I love y-"

The call ended.

His phone slipped so easily from his fingers, falling to the coarse carpet beneath him. Sunoo's sobs filled the room, laced with frustration, exhaustion, and mostly regret. 

He regretted coming to Seoul.

He regretted telling Junseo.

He regretted calling Sunghoon.

Debuting wasn't meant to be like this, this wasn't what he signed up for. He now understood that dreams come with sacrifices, he wished someone would have told him that. 

Eyes foggy, Sunoo's line of sight, guided him to a picture. Four friends in a small practice room, what a simpler time. Never could they have guessed how things would end up, ripped away from each other, disconnected from what really made them happy. 

"C-come b-back soon Jungwon... I really n-need to speak to you."

____

No one predicts failure for someone like Yang Jungwon. 

A boy who works hard, a boy who's naturally talented, a boy that everyone seems to love. 

You'd think he could do anything, and at one time, so did he.

Hindsight is a wondrous thing, knowing what the future will be like. Having the ability to make different choices; go down different paths. 

If he could go back to that first audition, would he walk right out of those doors?

Or would he do it all over again?

The wind sent a shiver down his spine, shaking him out of his thoughts. Jungwon crossed his arms over his body, snuggling further into his jacket. The streets were dark and empty, a full moon lighting his way. He had no where set in mind, he just needed some fresh air.

He couldn't stay hauled up in his room, being sad for the rest of his life. He needed to rethink everything, the next step. He could go anywhere, do anything, but he'd be lying if he said the fear of not succeeding wasn't at the back of his mind. 

Sure he could continue with his studies, he was excelling in economics. Though, a career in financial planning, accountancy, investment analysing, not the most exhilarating future.

He could also continue with his training, but it was obvious why he had no plans on returning to that anytime soon.

So, where to go?

It may be cliche, but there are times in life, when one must follow their heart. Let the voice inside guide them to where they need to be. 

Right now, his home town was calling his name. The place he grew up, the place where he met his best friends, the place where he once had hope. Even if it wasn't the answer, if in a few years he ended up on another continent entirely. At least he did what felt right.

"Jungwon, long time no see."