Faded Sun| SunSun

[Chapter 23]

"Hey can you two go play somewhere else?" Sunghoon asked firmly. His two little cousins pouted at him, but didn't put up a fight. They quickly picked up their toys and hurried out of the room.

Jay shut the door, as Sunghoon walked further into the back room. The two, plus their families, had gathered at Jay's Mum's restaurant, for a joint Easter meal. This was the first chance Sunghoon had gotten to tell Jay about what he saw the other night, so he asked if he could speak to them in private.

"What's going on?" Jay causally slumped down on the couch, not thinking it would be anything serious.

"Have you spoken to Jungwon recently?"

Jay furrowed their brows. "Yeah, is something wrong?"

"I saw him with Si-Woo the other night, he was going into some sketchy bar." Sunghoon replied, annoyed that he even had to say that guys name. He really despised Si-Woo for what he did to Sunoo; he really didn't understand why Jungwon was hanging around him again.

Jay was just as confused as Sunghoon, completely taken aback by hearing this. They had never met Si-Woo, only knowing about the bad things he did. It wasn't fun learning that their partner was hanging about an ex, and not only that, a person who did awful things.

"Seriously? How did you see this?" Jay's voice was full of disbelief.

"I couldn't sleep, so I went out for a walk, and ended up seeing them." Another lie to cloud his conscience. "I don't know anything more than that, but it didn't look like he was being forced to go with him. I thought I should tell you, because anything that involves Si-Woo is bad news."

"I know, I can't believe Wonnie's hanging out with him again. After everything he did to him, and to Sunoo, you'd think he'd be the last person he would want around." Jay shook their head, frustratedly running their hand up through their hair. "Fuck...what do I do?"

Sunghoon leaned himself against the lockers, dropping his head back against the metal. "He's been different since the debut announcement, like he's not been himself at all."

"And what about you?" Sunghoon looked at Jay in confusion. "Don't think I haven't noticed how you've been different, are you off your meds?"

"I don't need them."

"For fucks sake Hoon!"

"See, this is why I didn't tell anyone. You won't understand, you're not me, I can make my own decisions." Sunghoon crossed his arms, ignoring how Jay scoffed at his words. He knew it would be like this, people don't respect the choices he makes. He's not a child, he's twenty years old, he knows what's best for himself.

"You're being ridiculous! The doctor assigned you those meds for a reason, they're the only ones who can tell you to come off them." Jay stated, anger overcoming them. They got up off the couch in frustration. "What makes you think you don't need them anymore?"

"They're not good for me, I feel too much. Sometimes I just want to shut off."

"That's exactly your problem Hoon! We can't have you shutting off, have you learnt nothing over these two years?!" 

Sunghoon took a deep breath in, attempting to calm himself down. He didn't appreciate Jay yelling at him, especially over something he didn't understand. 

"I have to rely on myself, I can't have anything getting in the way of that. If I want to feel, I will, If I don't, I wont. That's what I want for myself, and I should get that choice." Sunghoon insisted.

"Even if that was a healthy thing, you couldn't do that. You're not capable of balancing your emotions, and that's okay, you just need some help." Jay tried desperately to control themself, but they couldn't handle this nonsense Sunghoon was spewing. "I don't want to lose my best friend again."

Those words.

Lose my best friend again.

They were really what made Sunghoon stop and think. They affected him way more than anything else Jay had said, and he wasn't aware why. It was strange, almost like he was grounded again, just for a moment.

His father, that car, the rooftop.

All could've taken him from this world, but they didn't. They were the evil, they were the destroyers. So why did he feel like he was one of them?

"You deserve happiness, and I don't believe slipping back into that dark space will bring you that." 

It was hard to admit, but Jay was right. These past couple weeks had been miserable for Sunghoon, such a constant up and down, he knew that if he didn't do something now, he may never pull himself back.

"Shit Jay, I've really fucked up."

Jay placed their hand on Sunghoon's shoulder, patting it a couple times. "You have, but we can fix this." 

A creak of the door echoes through the room, as Sunghoon's mother swings it open. "The foods ready, come on."

Jay nods their head, giving Sunghoon a final reassuring glance. The two walk out of the room, greeted with a table full of delicious looking food. Jay takes their seat beside their own mother, whilst Sunghoon hangs back for a second.

He grabs his mothers sleeve. "Hey mum, I need a refill on my anti depressants, can you get me them?"

"Of course sweetheart." She smiles, stroking the boys bleached locks. "Have you run out?"

"Yeah I didn't bring enough with me, so I have none for tonight, or tomorrow morning."

"I think I have some from when you came last time, it should be enough until you get back to Seoul." She replied, grabbing the boys arm. "Now lets eat before the food gets cold."

Sunghoon follows behind her, taking a seat across from Jay. He felt the inner battle, that part of himself, commanding him to not go back on his meds. Yet, every time he looked to Jay, or his mother, or his cousins, he was reminded of the happiness Jay brought up. Deep down, he knew he didn't want to fall back into old habits.

The ice may be cracked, but once the sun comes out, the ice melts anyway.

Even if things look bad now, the times will change. Sunghoon's trauma will always play a part in the person he is today, but it doesn't define him. He knows how it feels to be truly happy, and the fear of losing that, losing control, will never go away. It won't be easy, and no one expects him to be healed after two years. He can get back on track, it just takes a little time.