Slave to a King | Jinkook

Forty-Three

Jin chewed on the inside of his lower lip as he looked at Jungkook, who was waiting for his response. He was nervous to say what was on the tip of his tongue because he knew it was far from what Jungkook wanted to hear; however, lying was not something he could do, especially when it came to what he truly felt.

"Are you not going to respond to me?" Jungkook had already been stung by the fact that Jin sat across from him, deafeningly silent, with no words of the kind he wanted to hear.

When Jin looks at Jungkook, he sighs deeply and says, "I care about you, and I look forward to us building our relationship into a better and healthier one, but as of right now, I do not love you in the way that you may be expecting me to." Jin couldn't lie to Jungkook; he couldn't fake when he knew exactly how he felt deep down.

There was stillness as Jungkook gazed at Jin; his jaw tightened, and his hand pressed on the table. No words were necessary for Jin to grasp what he was feeling as he looked at him. He was angry, maybe even wounded, but there was nothing Jin could do; he had to be honest with him about it.

"It is not that I will not love you or that I cannot love you; I am confident that it is possible. That is one of the reasons why I want you to see a psychiatrist: until you can acknowledge all of the things you have done and the pain you have intentionally caused me, I will not be able to see beyond what you have shown me. I should not have to be in fear around you, especially as someone I am about to marry; I shouldn't be afraid of you, but I am afraid of you because you are so unpredictable."

"How could you take my ring if you don't love me?" Jin is taken by surprise at Jungkook's question.

After a few moments of staring at him, unsure of what to say, Jin took a long breath and said, "Except for the fact that you never gave me much of a choice in marrying you. According to what I indicated when I accepted the ring, I have seen certain good qualities in you-"

"Why give you a choice when you are going to tell me no?"

"You would do that, Jungkook, if you loved me."

"Have you considered that it's because I love you so much that I can't do that?"

"That's what a normal person would do, Jungkook."

Jungkook stood up immediately, causing Jin to worry, but as Jungkook stayed on his side of the table, Jin relaxed.

"Well, I suppose I'm not normal, which is why you want me to visit a psychiatrist, isn't it? I'm sure I'm not the only one that doesn't fit in. You're not your normal Seokjin, and you're not the easiest person to live with, but I don't complain because I try to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship. Do you think the first thing I want to do when I come home is the shower? I can't even say hello to our daughter because you behave as if I came in with sickness. I can't leave a piece of clothes on the floor because I've done something wrong.

And don't even get me started on having sex with you; I'm waiting for you to fold and arrange everything. Do you think that's enjoyable? Have you ever heard me whine? No, I try to be understanding, but you think of all the awful things I've done. You don't get to tell me what I'd do if I loved you; you can't describe how I feel for you. All I know is that I've changed a lot for you, but you can't see it since you've already coded me in your mind as who I am and can't see anything I do. You're exactly like everyone else; I'm bad to you, and I'll always be bad to you! Seokjin, I'm sick of it! Why can't you see that I'm trying?" Jungkook slapped his hand down on the table, tears streaming down his face.

When Jin got up from his chair and moved around to Jungkook, he overcame emotion at watching Jungkook cry. Wrapping his arms around Jungkook, Jin held him and said, "It's not that I don't see the good you have done, Jungkook, I do, and you are correct, I am difficult to live with. I have an issue with wanting things to be specific in my environment, and I don't believe I have ever considered how my actions would influence others since I have never had to consider such things. The fact that you have accommodated me for being this way is something I appreciate. You are correct that it is probably not common for me to have our house set up the way I do; I don't object to you for saying this. Perhaps the psychiatrist might assist me with this, but I suffer from severe anxiety when I see things that are disorganized or cluttered around me."

Jungkook didn't say anything to Jin because he was engulfed in his emotions and resentful of himself for crying, but he couldn't take it any longer; he was tired of being judged for all the things he did wrong and never for anything he did well.

"Furthermore, Jungkook, although you have done some awful things, it isn't that they are all that I hold against you; it's simply that you have never once shown regret for the suffering you have caused me. Because you have decided that I should love you and have never provided me with closure, you want me to see past it all and love you. It's impossible for me to love you while my heart is crushed as a result of all you've done. Until you accept responsibility for your actions and stop acting like a dictator in our relationship, my heart will never be able to love you with the passion you want. Nothing I say is intended to cause you pain; rather, it is intended to inform you that I would never lie to you or give you false hope in any situation.

I have agreed to marry you because we may have a successful future together, provided you are willing to accept that you will need to improve in many areas of your life; a relationship is not one-sided. It's not always about what Jungkook wants; what about me? Shouldn't we be working as a team?"

Jungkook remained silent without uttering a single word. This troubled Jin as well since he was not used to it.

"I have a soft spot for you, Jungkook. I am so grateful that you were there for me throughout my parents' passing; you have shown me how much you can care for me, which I had never anticipated. You then offered a burial for them that I couldn't afford, which struck my heart profoundly, and it was something you didn't have to do. Thank you very much for your kindness. While I cannot provide the exact words you need now, I promise you one thing: I will do my best to ensure our relationship becomes the best it can be. As we work together to make it so, you have to be open to change at the same time."

"I will do whatever it takes to keep you at my side," Jungkook said, wrapping his arms around Jin and embracing him hard. "I don't want you to feel confined, and I can't bear the thought of letting you go. Hopefully, I will do well one day, and you will be willing to remain with me here in this place."

"Let's take it together one day at a time; we'll make it happen." Jin smiled reassuringly even though Jungkook couldn't see his face.

The two of them remained in that position until Jin separated them and warmed their meal to finish supper. There was silence between them as they ate, but their hearts and minds were heavy with various emotions and thoughts.

*****

When Jin woke up the following morning and was ready to leave Jungkook in bed, he remembered Jungkook's comments from the previous day and leaned in and kissed Jungkook on the lips before getting out of bed and going to the bathroom.

When Jungkook's eyes popped up, he turned to face the closed bathroom door with a grin. As he placed his fingers to his lips, he realized it was the first time Jin had kissed him without him initiating the kiss. As he held the pillow under his head, the grin on his face became even wider, "I think he likes me."

As he rose from his bed, he determined that he would not disturb Jin, that he would use another bathroom in their house, and that he would then wake Moon up and feed her before leaving for the day.

"One day at a time, he said." Jungkook reminded himself.

When Jin entered the bathroom, he waited patiently for Jungkook to join him, but this did not happen.

"Perhaps I should have done more than a kiss, right?" he thought to himself, thinking about what he should do the next time differently.