healing

numbers

TW: Calories, minor panic attack, NG tube

Alice took me downstairs and rolled me into the hallway of the day room.

"Ready?" she asks. I just nod and she opens the white wooden and glass doors, immediately attending all eyes on me. I squeezed onto Nina in my lap and Alice leans over a bit to talk to me. "Where do you want to go?"

"I got it," I sighed, rolling the chair to an empty spot in the room and putting the locks on the wheels. I kept my eyes on the stuffed bunny in my lap and prayed I wouldn't throw up again.

I suddenly see someone sit in the chair beside me. I look over and see Wilhemina in the single couch, who opens her book once again. I smiled to myself at the thought she maybe wanted me to have company.

I then look up and see the many shocked faces around the room at the fact Wilhemina came to sit with me. I make eye contact with Sally and I think it was the first time I've seen her not looking like she wanted to just fuck me. She actually seemed sorry which was probably the worst reaction she could have.

Diane had her knitting tools in hand but she stopped as she looked at me. She hesitantly stands up and walks towards me, Wilhemina eyeing her the whole way.

"Hey honey."

"Hi Diane."

"I'm really sorry about-"

"It's okay...I just- I don't know I feel so gross."

"Oh honey you don't look gross. You look gorgeous as always. My uhm... daughter, Chloe had to get one of those before because she was so sick that she couldn't really eat."

"Yeah they really suck. Uhm how- how many calories are in them?"

"y/n." Wilhemina interrupted.

"Sorry. Nevermind. Uhm thanks Diane..."

"Of course baby. If you need anything just let me know okay?" she asks as she moves a strand of hair behind my ear.

"I will. ...Thanks."

"No problem sweetheart."

Diane looks over at Wilhemina who was glaring right back, lifting her head from her book. Diane just gives her a dirty look and goes to sit back down. Wilhemina and I just look at each other and try to hide a laugh. She just shakes her head and goes back to her book.

I fix my eyes on the television, which was now playing "The Office" I mean it was a stupid show but it was something to watch. ...It was actually a little funny. We were then joined for morning meeting and I go to stand up but Wilhemina stops me.

"Hey. Maybe you should still sit down."

"I'm fine Wilhemina. Thank you," I mumbled, standing up and immediately feel dizzy. I blink a few times and shake my aching head and start walking, leaving Wilhemina and her concerned face behind.

I sat down between Lana and Amanda on one of the chairs and pulled my legs under me, leaning against the back of the large chair.

"Alright. How are we today ladies?" Alice asks with a smile. Everyone just mumbled half-assed responses and Alice nodded. I stayed completely quiet, spacing out as the women talked about what was going on with their lives.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I hear my name escape Alice's lips. My head snapped up and I looked into her dark brown eyes.

"What?"

"How are you feeling y/n?"

"Uhm. ...Well I obviously... got tubed... and you know. It- it hurts... and I- I can't stop thinking about how many calories are in it. ...They won't tell me."

"fifteen hundred," Diane mumbled. My head snaps in her direction and I swear my heart dropped to my ass.

"What?"

"Diane what the hell is the matter with you?" I hear Xandra whisper, placing a hand over her eyes.

"D-did you say fifteen hundred?" I said with a panicked voice.

"When Chloe got it-"

"Diane, we really try not to cross talk or talk about numbers."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay Diane," Alice replied then turning her attention to me as my breathing quickened. "y/n, how are you feeling right now? It's okay."

"Uhm- that- that's a lot."

"And I'm sure you're wondering how you're going to burn that off?" she asks, tilting her head to try and make eye contact but my eyes were fixated on my bunny that still resided in my lap as I squeeze onto her.

"Uhm. Y-yeah," I said, quickly wiping a tear from my cheek.

"y/n?" Alice says with sorry eyes.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, quickly standing up and rushing to the stairs, not caring if I faint or not. Fortunately, I didn't and I went to my bed and laid down, shoving my face into my pillow, hugging Nina close to me as I let the tears go. I sobbed loudly into my pillow and just wanted to pull this fucking thing out of my nose.

I tired myself out so much that I fell asleep. I was so tired. Tired of absolutely everything.

***

A few hours later, I was woken up by a knock on my door. I opened my eyes and the sun was just setting, casting golden streaks across the white walls.

"y/n? It's Dr. Staple. Cordelia's downstairs waiting for you. Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I said with actually excitement in my voice. Dr. Staple opened the door and I practically jumped up.

"Woah hey easy honey." I grabbed my black, grey, and white drug rug hoodie and throw it on over my tank top, shoving the end of the tube down the back of it, along with my grey sweatpants and white knitted socks. I shook my head, adjusting the braids that hung by my shoulders.

"I'm fine," I say, rocking a bit on my feet which didn't go unnoticed by Dr. Staple. She then pulled a wheelchair from beside her that I didn't even see before. "Dr. Staple I really don't want Cordelia to see me in that thing."

"y/n you almost faint every time you stand up. I think it's best." I just nod and sit in the chair as Dr. Staple brought me to the elevator. "I'm sorry about what happened in group today... Diane feels awful," Dr. Staple said, pushing me into the elevator.

"It's fine. She didn't mean it," I mumbled, looking down at my lap, only to realize I was still holding Nina in my hand.

That's when I looked up at the mirror in front of me in the elevator. I realized how fucking sad I looked. Like a sad, sick little child. My hair in braids, a stuffed bunny in my hand, a tube in my nose, and baggy clothes. Dr. Staple and I made eye contact in the mirror and she smiled at me but I was too focused on how I looked right now. The slightly smudged mascara from crying really didn't help either.

Finally, the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened, separating the mirror that reflected the stranger looking back at me.

My eyes landed upon a certain blonde talking to Nurse Aird. She quickly turned her head and her arms fell to her side.

"y/n."

"Cordelia."